Escape from true intimacy in a pseudo-intimate relationship?

Escape from true intimacy in a pseudo-intimate relationship? | You think it's close, but you're far away false intimacy: escaping relationships in relationships

A true intimacy is a deep, free, responsive connection between you and another person. However, not all couples really have such feelings and connections. If we look closely at the people around us, maybe your parents, or even yourself, there must be those who seem close, but always seem to be "almost what" partners.

Today we are going to talk about a very interesting state: escaping relationships in relationships (hiding from relationship in relationship). This is what we call the Irrelationship, the pseudo intimate relationship. It's not just about relationships, it can happen between friends, family or work partners. But today, let's talk about the "pseudo" state of intimacy.

This article will also talk about another morbid symbiotic relationship that we translate into a symbiotic relationship (codependency), which is hereby spoiler.

What is a pseudo-intimate relationship? (irrelationship)

Pseudo-Intimacy is not a true intimacy, but a state of being a partner by default: Use form together to avoid real being together. You may seem to be close to the outside, but in fact the relationship avoids the mutual openness and acceptance of each other and avoids the willingness of both parties to pay for the relationship and the other. It is the "connection" which the two sides consciously and meticulously constructs, is the mutual collusion of both partners.

True intimacy represents mutual concern, empathy, and emotional commitment. But these are the risks that need to be put into the emotional input, and it's possible for us to be hurt if we care about a single person. Pseudo-Intimacy is a response to this risk: we are afraid of losing control, so we do not dare to invest, to avoid each other's emotional pay.

Therefore, it is a defensive mechanism (defensive mechanism), which is two people together in defence of the "real intimacy that needs to be created together". Many times, we are afraid of "really care about a person", or "let others become important to us", because the real love and care of a person is a very dangerous thing, let us have a hurt, rejected, abandoned the sense of vulnerability. This makes us fearful and anxious.

And such a defense mechanism can help us to resist such fears and anxieties. It is "safe" for us to stay in such a relationship, because the relationship looks very stable on the surface and has carefully constructed rules that do not cause unpredictable crises. The emotional responses we will get in this relationship are in our own control and can be fully predictable. False intimacy frees us from the complexities of true intimacy.

Psychologists believe that in a pseudo-intimate relationship, we are in a state of "emotional confinement" (Brainlock), in which both sides have unconsciously reached an agreement-to keep emotional numbness together. The state of confinement, which seems to be together, but refuses to carry out a profound emotional connection, is essentially a separation.

Pseudo intimacy and Dependency symbiosis (codependency)

In recent studies of pseudo-intimacy, this concept is often discussed with "codependency", because the morbid interdependence of "codependency" is often a conspiracy between the two parties, like pseudo-intimacy, codependency are often seemingly solid and difficult to separate. (Reply 143 to the knowyourself2015 extract "Do you have a love addiction?" ”）

The word codependency has been translated into a drag disorder in Chinese, but we do not think it is completely accurate. We prefer to call it "dependent on symbiotic relationships".

Codependency is the earliest form of context related to substance addiction and refers to a relationship between partners. For example, one partner is addicted to alcohol, which leads to low self-function, while the other relies on the partner's low-functioning, giving a mandatory care (Caretake) to meet his or her spiritual needs.

So we can say that the essence of codependency is that one cannot rely on his own inner self, or his complete will to determine his own actions. Their actions and self-worth are dependent on the outside world, possibly human beings, possibly addictive substances, etc. In a narrow codependency of the relationship, two people have such characteristics, need to have a physical or mental addiction (gambling, sexual addiction, substance addiction, etc.), resulting in this person's function is low, extremely irresponsible to himself, while the other person is highly dependent on this person's "social function low" and " Irresponsible ", to gain a sense of value in the excessive, coercive and caring of the other party. This is a morbid symbiotic relationship.

A party that plays a "helping person" role in a symbiotic relationship often "relies on others ' reliance on oneself". They put too much attention on the other half, give TA do not need too much care, for this can completely ignore their own needs, but also with compulsive control, obsessed with the control of each other.

In a codependency relationship, two people are both victims and accomplices: one relies on each other and the other relies on the other's reliance on one's own. In this "symbiotic" relationship, two of people tend to feel pain, and can feel they are doing harmful things, help people can feel that their real needs are neglected, but also to the "weak", "victim" label. But this relationship is actually what they are looking for.

The people in the codependency relationship, in fact, have also secretly reached the mutual collusion, which is similar to the pseudo-intimacy.

However, the two sides of the pseudo-intimacy do not feel they are victims, in fact, they are allies. They work together to create a mechanism to reduce anxiety and to avoid sharing the true feelings with each other, even though the mechanism makes the relationship cold and suffocating.

They feel that this kind of alliance is good for both sides, and avoids having to face the real sense of disappointment. They do not easily let go of their partners and refuse to end intimacy, but this is not because of emotional intimacy or deep commitment, but because it helps them to defend against the risks that "really care about one" can cause.

And from the nature of the two relations, codependency is a kind of can be identified and confirmed, harmful individual morbid psychology (whether addicts, or help people, both sides have morbid mentality), and pseudo-intimacy is only a relationship, although it must have its negative effect, but not necessarily "morbid".

What led to a pseudo-intimate relationship?

There are a number of possible reasons.

One of the most common is that we learn to "define" what is love from the early relationships of life. Some children's parents, in itself is a kind of pseudo-intimacy, they are never self-directed, spontaneous expression of love, such children are more likely to think that intimacy, marriage, love is such a procedural interaction. Children who grow up in this zombie, programmed, and lifeless family are prone to lack of "passion", whether it is sexual passion or passion. After all, "passion" is clearly not programmatic. And passion is necessary in a good intimacy relationship.

Pseudo-intimacy seems to have many forms: sometimes one's behavior depends on the needs of the other (the requesting party is the dominant); sometimes one accepts something depending on what the other party is giving (which is the lead); sometimes one is responsible for performing while the other is responsible for the compliment (looks like the perfect couple). But in fact, either way, the two sides of the relationship are all equally bound, they voluntarily bound to feel "the world is safe", and the wild passion in their view is the most dangerous thing-after all, this is they grew up in the process of always unfamiliar, never touched.

The harm and change of the pseudo-intimacy relationship

Although the relationship is "safe" on the surface, and it can make people long-term and difficult to separate, but pseudo-intimacy if not repaired, will bring many problems. Just as the heart beats too rhythmically, it is the precursor of a serious heart attack or even death (the beating of a healthy heart is not so regular), too cool and regular patterns of intercourse are likely to be a healthy relationship.

On the one hand, the false intimacy of the people, may from childhood, there is no real mutual acceptance and understanding of the depth of the connection, their role in the self-positioning is so very partial and narrow, TA's thoughts and behavior have daily rules to follow. The false intimacy suppressed the person's emotion and suppressed the person's self-knowledge, thus depriving the person of the possibility of actually connecting with others.

In addition, the pseudo-intimacy of two people, even try to "take care of each other", also often feel disappointed. Both sides will feel that they are the only one who has been paying. Many of these people are going to meet the needs of their parents when they are young, so they gradually lose their ability to see what others or what they really need. Their self-righteous pay is based on themselves, not on each other's. So this commitment is destined to make them feel more isolated, exploited, and frustrated, angry. When we are exhausted in unconsciousness, there will always be one or both of us feel isolated and begin to desire true intimacy.

Eventually want to leave this relationship.

At this point, one of us may suddenly have an impulse to look out for new objects. But even if a new relationship is developed, fear and anxiety may be felt for accepting a new person, being treated as a "real self" and being loved.

If you are used to pseudo-intimacy, the most likely thing you should do is to look at the fixed patterns of roles and expectations that you have formed in each relationship. For example, you are always unconsciously, but inevitably, to play a role in accordance with a well-designed fixed foot. We already know that this is not a normal state, but just a defensive mechanism for anxiety. But be aware that anxiety is not the natural demise of defense and evasion.

You may have the power to "take risks" after you realize the hazards of your pseudo-intimacy status. When you try to take the first step, like trying to have a feeling that you don't always have a failing ending, you might want to develop true love. Gradually, you can try to share your feelings with each other and let them know who you really are.

This will make you scared, and the warning mechanism in your body will jump out and tell you to let others know you are dangerous, which will make you panic and vulnerable, however, the way to deal with anxiety is not to escape, but to experience them.

And if you meet a long-term habit of pseudo-intimate patterns, you may feel helpless, because you will find that although the person in the mouth to love you, and you have a routine concern, but TA actually know you are a person who is not interested in, the person in front of him seems to be just playing role play. And you'll worry that telling the real feeling will destroy the relationship. At this point, you may be able to try to be honest, only your honesty, may affect the state of your interaction, and thus affect him. Seize the feeling that makes you lose, and let it guide you to find something that really gives you the satisfaction of your heart. Perhaps the real connection between you can be built up gradually.

"Courage is not not fear, but fear, still forward." "This may be the best antidote for those who have been pseudo-intimate," he said.

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Escape from true intimacy in a pseudo-intimate relationship?