Emotion Management-do not always be a "Grumpy" person.

First of all, the "good temper" in this article refers to people who ignore their feelings or blindly grievance themselves and sacrifice their personal interests for perfection. This "good temper" is unhealthy. For individuals, suppressing their emotions will damage their health and affect their work and family. For the team, "good temper" will undermine the mutual dependence of the team and foster resistance, which is not conducive to efficient collaboration, let it spread and drag the team down.

People who are not "Grumpy" are not allowed to clap tables and quarrel with each other, instead, we should be a person who "has a certain level of emotional intelligence, sound personality, can feel and control their emotions, and understands how to communicate. For a long definition, it must be annoying. Because I am stupid, I cannot find a concise and clear statement. (With a strong scalp) in short, a sound personality, understanding of communication is to take into account the feelings and needs of yourself and others.

People are all emotional animals, so they love our social networking, family, work more actively, and work more efficiently, everyone should learn to "express indignation". Team leaders have to constantly wonder whether their team members have a bad temper and try to melt the "bad temper" of the team.

Zhihu's topic "isn't it even more difficult to get angry? Why? "Some answers are very good. The discussion on this topic is very self-reflective, and some brilliant answers are moved here to provide some" tutoring ". (This link csdn does not allow insertion, so please start Baidu)

For me personally, I am a very contradictory complex, and my bad temper is rated as a "half-broken reputation", which makes my temper easier in my family life (mainly I am sorry for my wife ), work and Social networking are "peace lovers" who prefer Bai Min. In general, I am informal at work and in my life. I just smiled and stepped back. In the event of a dispute, the individual is guided by solving this problem. People who encounter unprovoked personal attacks cannot help worrying. I have never had a bad temper in public, because I think it is inappropriate. I have also met some "spam" people. At this time, my temper is really depressing, but there is no way to deal with it, so I can't afford to hide it.I wonder if some people provide some suggestions to cope with such "spam" attacks?

(Note: Spam humans-"some people are like Spam people who run around and are full of negative spam: frustration, indignation, jealousy, calculation, prejudice, greed, ignorance, ignorance ...... With the accumulation of garbage in their hearts, they eventually need to find a place to dump; sometimes, we happen to hit, and the garbage will be lost to us. ").

The following are my suggestions and answers.

(1) expressing indignation

First, I wrote a suggestion on expressing indignation in "effective communication-non-violent communication", and then recorded it here.

Expressing indignation

Too much education tells us that we cannot get angry or angry. It is the devil to accept reality and be impulsive. Indeed, the impulse is the devil, but the repressed emotion is the killer. How can we release the devil to drive the killer at the right time?

Indignation is not to let you bite and attack others. Instead, he jumps out to remind us that you still need to be satisfied. Attacks against others cannot satisfy your needs. Naturally, they cannot fundamentally eliminate your indignation. Why not recognize the demand that leads to indignation and make your claim? When you realize this, every indignation will help you better understand yourself and identify your hidden unknown needs. The more you know yourself, the better you can control yourself. Suggestions for expressing indignation:

The first stage is to stop and take a deep breath;

The second is to observe our accusations and obtain the details of the indignation;

Third, we need to understand our needs;

Fourth, express your feelings and unfulfilled needs.

I often get angry with "I" and think that others should recognize mistakes or be punished, because "I" thinks about the other party and its behavior. So when I get angry, I should think about what led me to think about this and how to satisfy my needs. You have made a request for an object that makes you angry. There are two results:

1. The other party may suddenly realize that it is happy to satisfy you immediately.

2. The other party also raised their own demands. Then you get angry, but their respective demands are very clear. Indignation is no longer meaningless. Will it be far from resolving the dispute? Don't forget the third way to achieve win-win collaboration.

BTW, after the above qualification steps, you may not be angry. In addition, pray that you do not encounter "spam" in your life.

(2) Wonderful replies from zhihu

1. Bai Ke-the type that won't vent their indignation

[Never understood and mastered] the temper of the other party is not due to how tolerant you are, but to the fact that he does not understand his temper at all. correct use of his emotions to express his attitude is missing in his consciousness. There are just a few such friends around, all of which have poor childhood memories. For example, when a parent divorced in the early years, the mother was a strong female who simply took advantage of her career, and the Child followed his father, but his father married again. In this way, he lived in a human face. His parents gave him a good material life, but lack of emotional care. Later, his new family had a new child, from an early age, we developed the habit of suppressing our emotional needs to favor people. So far, I have never seen this person lose his temper. I just saw him cry when he drinks too much. The influence of a child who is not concerned about being unloved for a long time is to make him feel that his emotions are useless or that he has never mastered the correct way to use his emotions. Once such a person is really angry, it can be imagined that the trigger point should be quite high.

[Lack of security] another well-known person is foster care at his grandmother's house from an early age. Because his family has added new younger brother, busy working parents only come to take care of him, the old man is given to the old man. In fact, this is also an example of a situation where you feel that you do not understand your position in the eyes of your parents and therefore pay more attention to your skills. I remember hearing from the other party that it was time for my parents to look forward to seeing him in my childhood. I had a lot of attachment to my mother, but they would leave after all to take care of a younger child. This makes him form a problematic personality in his adulthood. It shows that he is always a kind of unloving, and he is very fond of showing himself, at the same time, we hope to maintain as many relationships as possible. Due to lack of security in his heart, he was very angry. He was too afraid that the people around him would leave because, but the side of the childhood experience, it also allows him to develop as many emotional relationships as possible with a greedy attitude. I have heard that the only time this person lost his temper was when one of his girlfriends tried to find him and another of his. How can this problem be solved? Security is broken, and the benefits will be lost. The stories behind the scenes are gone and I will not elaborate on them. The anger of such people lies in the fact that when they are understood to break into tangible benefits, there is no fear for them more than the detailed losses, otherwise, we will be able to use "inclusiveness" in exchange for an overall balance.

[Educational mistakes] when a child tutor is too strict and grows up in an authoritarian family, every time he expresses his attitude, he will suppress his back on the grounds that "My parents are good for you" and "I want to obey. This type of person is used to self-suppression in an long-term environment that is useless to parents. However, not all the suppressed emotions are properly resolved, but the accumulation is heavier. The trigger points that make them angry may not seem serious at all, but they have been accumulating dissatisfaction for a long time because they are not good at expressing their emotions. In my opinion, this type is the most critical. I am pessimistic, and I am willing to endure it. Those emotions that you don't see are repeatedly applied in your heart. For example, it's like a pressure cooker. When the pressure reaches a certain level, you can't find a proper solution, so it's the end of the day.

[Peace lovers] over-emphasize a balanced atmosphere. To achieve a balance, you will not hesitate to conceal your true feelings. What these people are best at is self-regulation and self-persuasion, which will give a reasonable explanation for various problems. They will regard "peace" as so important, perhaps because of the huge losses brought about by past conflicts, they have formed a stubborn sense of fear in their hearts. Perhaps due to limited self-knowledge capabilities, we should try to reduce the situation to a lower degree of crisis. They are used to sacrifice part of their interests in exchange for a part of the realism, which is related to the trade-off in personal values, but that's all.

[Exchange consciousness] "I have no limits on you. No matter how arrogant or overbearing you are, I will not be angry with you, not because I don't want to, but because I dare not ." These people believe that you can change your mind. The formation of such relationships is generally due to incorrect relations. For example, the value of a partner is far greater than that of another party; for example, if you feel that your abilities are insufficient, you can use your attitude to make up for it. For example, if you owe too much to the other party or you have done something wrong, you may feel guilty in your heart; or if you have something in your hand, even complained, they cannot resist emotions. This type of relationship is critical. If we cannot identify the cause of patience one day earlier, the grievance will erupt one day later and we will feel that we are too good to others, the other party does not accept the resentment... but you lie to others, but you lie to yourself. Reducing attitudes leads to unequal relations. How can this problem be left blank?

This kind of attitude is the easiest to show in front of people, and it is also the easiest way to make people who have previously been tolerant of "advantages" Hard to say. Because public opinion will certainly favor the one who seems to be paying and patient, and easy to ignore things after the phenomenon.

[Emotion transfer] They don't have a good temper at all, but give their emotions to trustworthy people. When they occasionally reveal their feelings, they will often surprise others. For example, it's always a breeze, but it's easy to get angry with your lover. For example, the sentiment is transferred to the nearest family member. The cause may be the lack of security in external expressions; the lack of personal image maintained for a long time; the lack of perfection in the heart, the lack of etiquette education, and the fact that external expressions are ugly, there are some other reasons why I cannot accept myself... If you are lucky enough to meet a lover who is more loving than yourself, this situation may be mitigated. I hope this type can be met by someone who is willing to be patient and guided.

[Dark operation] This type of character often appears in film and TV dramas. To tell the truth, there are not many people in reality. However, if you think of it, you can add it. You don't have to sit on this type of phone. It was just a smile in front of people. People who encounter dissatisfaction will start secretly and get used to the overcast type. They do not need to be angry for any reason. Because there is always a dark box to solve this problem, there may be only one possibility that they will be angry, that is, the cards will be pulled away and the screens will be exposed, when all plans fail. Such a role often appears as an important supporting role and has a complicated personality cause. The characteristic is that the person is always amiable, and will be characterized as critical temperament when he is alone.

As few people can see relatively sound personalities but do not know how to get angry at the right time, there is no positive example here. People who have a certain level of emotional intelligence and know how to communicate will use emotional expression as a tool. When necessary, you can strengthen your attitude and give your emotions a breakthrough. I once wrote a sentence like this: Love is everywhere, crazy is everywhere, sorrow is everywhere, anger is everywhere. With these basic prerequisites, talents will not hate life. First, you have blocked your emotions. Afterwards, you blame the unfair life. In addition to yourself, who else can you complain? Don't tell me if you have a good temper is "Kind". It is a type of evil that you have never experienced due to conniving. There must be a strict attitude to too many things, or to swing around or be confused or angry, or to deceive others... It's not good, it's ignorance.

People's indignation is "worth". A small thing may arouse 10% of your anger. But when you pile up ten such things, when they disturb you in your mind, they may cause more than 100% vicious effects. It is always incorrect to hold your emotions and other outbreaks. Self-regulation does not mean that you must suppress them. Emotional communication is smooth, and you know how to ask for and express interpersonal relationships with the other party in front of you. We are not reluctant to accept each other, but we are not pampered. There is joy to reveal, do not shy from expressing pain. It is not easy to do this at the same time.

2. Zhang Yuling-the disadvantage of suppressing indignation

The so-called good temper, in fact, is『Indignation』Emotional SuppressionNo matter what emotion is, it is a kind of psychological energy,Suppressing indignation will inevitably lead to accumulation of energyIf you do not want to vent your emotions, you may become a physical entity (many physical diseases are caused by the suppression of various emotions. Our teacher often says: XX emotions are expressed for you if you do not express them ). Therefore, when there is a suitable opportunity, the accumulated energy will burst out at one time, more energy than the people who normally vent their indignation. That is, "endure enough 』.

In traditional education, we are all asked to suppress indignation, sorrow, and other emotions. The "Keep a positive and optimistic attitude" is really harmful, but this does not mean that you will get cancer (there are too many forms of body, cancer is only the most serious one, there are various lesions, it is also possible that your suppression has been put on the soil before it can be realized.) from now on, we can reasonably vent our emotions, but what's more important is "changing the experience in cognitive models that do not meet the expectations of society (such as indignation and sorrow 』. Don't ask me how to do it. This is a huge project. Four words: serious life.

3. Zhao Chang-analyze the psychology of some honest people

Many people think that bad temper is unreasonable. I will analyze it. In fact, they subconsciously think this way:

You are a good-tempered person. How can you lose your temper when I tease you?

You are a good man. I am joking with you. How can you lose your temper?

You are a grumpy person. How can you lose your temper when I direct you to help me do things?

You are a person with a bad temper. You should lose your temper. How can you lose your temper?

Have you seen it? The thought is: you, that is, it should be a good temper!

This is the logic of some people's brains.In fact, they are not aware of their own logic.

These silly subconscious summary are actually:Honest people, good bullying.

Many people think that a person with a good temper is unreasonable because they subconsciously think that a person with a good temper should not lose his temper, but should be treated with peace of mind. Once the temper is really bad, it will make people unable to take measures, like a gentle rabbit.

As a so-called grumpy person, I hope that my friends who see the answer will consciously avoid the above subconscious and avoid accumulating the indignation of those who have a bad temper. But suppose you are also a so-called grumpy person,Do not go from one extreme to another. Please do not change your character like Lin Chong. From then on, you will be filled with the desire to attack and revenge. Such a mentality is absolutely wrong.

We have a good temper because we know how to be tolerant and how to be humble. Because we are self-cultivating, this is at least not a bad thing. Although we have found a resonance in zhihu, we still need to maintain our own principles. Otherwise, what is the difference between us and those who are willing to bully good people. In my opinion, I think we still need to be humble, elegant, easygoing, and be able to endure or ignore small things. Principle issues, involving people and loved ones, involving reputation, cannot be concession.

Emotion Management-do not always be a "Grumpy" person.