Negotiate with Yourself

1. Change

December 11, 2014 This day, the second pain determined to lose weight. After more than 50 days, a successful weight loss of 15 kg, BMI index back to normal range. Finally can thoroughly and accompanies many years "the fat" the title thorough farewell.

Before that, I had a successful weight loss experience. It was 2008, and after months of painful dieting, I succeeded in losing 16 kilos of weight. Over the next year, a few long trips, a new rhythm of life, the previous diet was seriously disrupted, my weight rebounded a lot, and soon returned to the ranks of fat. In the years that followed, I struggled to lose weight back. But in the end it was futile. In recent years, the weight has been wandering in situ. Until this time ... After the Lunar New Year, vacation, business trip and culinary challenges, my weight has been steadily controlled. It can be said, compared with the last time, this weight loss has withstood the test for a while.

So what is the difference between this time and the previous weight loss method?

The answer is simple: the first weight loss effort has a predetermined end point, and the second weight loss effort has no predetermined end point .

The first time I lose weight, it's my goal to lose my ideal weight. The moment I reached my goal, I had a hint from the bottom of my heart: I could finally take a break, and the painful diet would finally be over. Then, the subsequent weight rebound is a logical thing, as if to wait for a reason, and the second time to lose weight, the establishment of "less food and more sports" habits is my goal. The day I reached my ideal weight, I told myself: it's a milestone, not an end. I have to move on, there is no end .

It is the difference in the ultimate goal that leads to a great change in mentality of these two experiences. Short-term goals brought about by the impetuous, I can calmly think further, how to cultivate new habits, especially the need to continue to improve themselves in order to develop the habit .

So what else do we need to do to change or develop our habits, apart from the strong desire of the individual? Is it just a two-word stick ?

习惯的改变和养成，就是不断地自我谈判的过程。

In the process of discussing problems with others, when the idea suddenly jumps out, I have the illusion of freedom ...

2. Go left and go right

There are two selves in each person's body: the sensible me and the rational one.

How many fat are the perceptual that I dominate, hard to refuse the temptation of lazy, eventually become fat slaves. How many people have experienced this scene of acquaintance: when we turn on the computer, ready to start to work hard, a message interrupted us. So we go back to the news of friends, and then can't help but curious, by the way to brush a circle of friends. After reading a few fascinating articles, preface again to comment on a friend's new photos ... When we are satisfied, we suddenly find that we have not done anything, but the time has flash. We are subconsciously dictated by the sensibility of my being, and now I regret it because of my reason.

向左走，还是向右走？

Whenever we are confronted with conflict and begin to fight fiercely, a negotiation begins quietly between the sensible me and the rational me. It's a negotiation of self-negotiation. Let us analyze this so-called self-negotiation by applying the basic concepts of negotiation.

2. The parties to the negotiations

   • Sensual me.

     I always act in accordance with human instinct and desire to get immediate results. Thus, between the stimuli of the outside world and our responses , the ingrained instincts rooted in our hearts subconsciously dictate our actions, thus immediately receiving and enjoying short-term results.

   • The Rational Me

     I always act in accordance with human cognition and desire to have long-term results. Thus, between the stimuli of the outside world and our responses , the ability to self-examine ourselves in our brains, consciously to dictate our actions, patiently waits and satisfies the long-term results.

   In terms of weight loss, I won in self-negotiation, creating my past: Gluttony and love of sports. The rational I win in self-negotiation, urging me to introspection, and strive to defer to meet, and then inspire me to change the bad habits, to cultivate the new habit of less food and hyperactivity. Every day, every hour, every moment, the result of self-negotiation determines whether I can constantly improve myself and thus establish my new habit. The whole process of weight loss is the accumulation of self-negotiated results.

4. Desire and the bottom line

   • Desire

     Sensual I crave short-term immediate results, subject to subjective instincts. Rational I desire long-term optimal results, subject to objective cognition.

   • Bottom line

     Perceptual my bottom line is not long-term repression of human instinct and nature. The bottom line of reason is that I cannot think and understand rationally for a long time.

   Also take weight loss as an example. In order for rational me to win in the negotiations, we need to work hard to improve and strengthen the desire of the rational side. Both sides should try to reduce the bottom line, so that the negotiations between the two sides of the agreement is greater, in order to make the negotiations easier to achieve. In the process of weight loss, lower rational and emotional bottom line let us reject perfectionism, will not let us because of the destruction of the perfect record of weight loss and despair, nor because of the excessive repression of their desires, and thus avoid future retaliation rebound.

6. Never stop

   The sensibility of me and the rational of my mutual survival, the common achievement of today's me. It is hard for us to imagine whether we are still a sane person after the disappearance of either side. Similarly, it is hard to imagine whether this persistence and effort can be sustained when we persist and strive to make self-change, if we cannot drive this change through constant self-negotiation.

   Before losing weight, in the emotional and rational negotiations, the outcome of the negotiations is more biased to me. And with the establishment of new habits, the outcome of negotiations is more inclined to the rational me. Although the contrast of power has changed, the negotiations have never ceased.

Therefore, one of the most necessary things to do when a person wants to make any long-term change is to define the desires and the bottom line of both sides of the negotiation and to be prepared to drive change through long negotiations. Looking back, the effort to make a lot of changes is futile because the desire to change is not strong enough, or because of the failure of negotiations caused by the high bottom line setting.

3. Double lose, win or lose?

Similar to the real negotiations, self-negotiation can be divided into two losses, winning and losing, as well as double-win results. Once we have a goal to change, the goal of self-negotiation is established.

• Dual output

  Rationality and Sensibility did not reach a negotiated agreement. Sensibility and rationality are in a double-losing state.

  For weight loss, is to labor their bones, hungry body skin, but weight does not decrease or even increase.

• Winning

  Perceptual or rational one side wins. Suitable for changes aimed at achieving short-term goals.

  Either lose weight, return to delicious lazy sitting mode, or lose weight successfully, set up a new life mode. But the sensibility is in the long-term suppressed state, cannot establish the real life habit, the new life pattern at any time has the risk of subversion. This is my first time to lose weight when the situation of success.

• Win - win situation

  Rationality and Sensibility begin with mutual compromise, with the formation of new habits, the emergence of Change, sensibility and rationality have been "reshaped". Suitable for changes aimed at achieving long-term goals. Both the desire and the bottom line of self-negotiation have been changed in reshaping, reaching a new balance.

  The success of weight loss at the same time, the new life model gradually evolved into a new life habits. Gradually experience the joy of new habits, the pain of change fades away, and sensibility and rationality are reshaped to a new balance. This is exactly what I am trying to achieve in my current situation.

Therefore, the habit of change and nurturance, if not set long-term goals, not to win for the ultimate goal, will become unreachable.

* 习惯的改变和养成，就是不断地自我谈判的过程。  这需要我们拥有强烈的渴望，并设置合理的底线。  我们最终的目标是让理性的我在谈判中以更高概率胜出。* 习惯的改变和养成，是长期自我谈判，从妥协到双赢的过程。  从坚持到不坚持，从痛苦到享受，这是习惯养成的终极目标。  不能在新习惯中自得其乐就意味着习惯并未真正养成。

"Negotiate with yourself, every day."-The beginning of a new change.

4. Extended Reading

• Basic concepts of negotiation
• Negotiating with yourself and losing:making decisions with competing Internal Preferences

Negotiate with Yourself