Harvard University Open Class "Positive Psychology 1504" study notes-relationship_conflict

1 relationship is a nature need
1 relationship is a nature need. No is a island. No one can survive. No one can certainly thrive without relationships.
2 One of the reason why the extremely happy people have a stronger immune system is that they have thriving personal Nterpersonal Relationships–whether it ' s with romantic, or with soul mates, or with family members, or all th E above. They have close, intimate relationship that makes all difference.
3 The all, where you ' re happy, your share your happiness with someone, and who truly cares en Hances, amplifies your happiness as as, their happiness. That ' s the Win-win.
4 when your go through hardships and difficulties, has close relationships helps us overcome it.
5 The key though in relationships was to know yourself, meaning to know your. The number of relationships that is need that would is best for you–depends on your personal, unique needs. The number of hours you want to spend and other people differs for everyone. There ' s no right or wrong here. Some people enjoy spending hours a day with friends, while the other people 2-3 the hours a is what they. Both need close relationship, soul mates, romantic, family-members–whatever it is. It ' s a need.
6 Everyone benefits from relationships, men benefit. Because for the "a" often, men have someone they can share with, whereas women have more often, more likely have th Eir girl friends whom they talk to about certain issues. Both sex benefit from intimate relationships.
2 Learning from what works
7 The reason of why there ' re so many relationships end-when they to start off with best of intentions was that people wo Uld be attracted by new things. The excitement is higher when there's a new person.
8 How can we create relationships that thrive? The ' a ' is understanding what true love really means. Perfect Love doesn ' t exist, but true love does. True love exists between imperfect humans.
9 Ask the right question:what makes some relationships thrive grow and stronger? What can we learn and apply to our relationships? Let's learn what works best–the best relationships so we can look in and study and learn from.
Very often it is later on that it becomes better.
3 relationship is about hard work
3.1 Working Hard
One There are no short cuts, if we want a relationship to thrive, to succeed, we need to put a lot of work in it.
Finding a right partner is important, but it are a mistake to focus on finding. The more important part of a thriving long term relationship is the cultivation.
Relationships or finding the right partner, a good partner is of course important. It's much more important to then cultivate that relationship.\
There ' s more than one right person.
What makes relationship unique? It ' s cultivating that one chosen relationship. It ' s by virtue of working together, being together, of spending time together, of dedicating one another, of spending T  IME together, of dedicating one another. That's how we create one special relationship. That's how two separate "I" s become a "we".
Again, it doesn ' t happen over night, it doesn ' t even happen in a year or two, it takes time. In fact, it doesn ' t happen; T is happening. It ' s a process. It ' s not about success in a relationship; It ' s about succeeding in a relationship.
3.2 Doing things together
Cultivate We relationship by doing things together.
The important thing in resolving conflicts are having a super ordinate goal. Working together, supporting one another and when you have the Working together, doing together, that's when you are most Likely to resolve the conflicts.
The couple need mutually meaningful goals. It could be children together and raising the children together. Working together, bringing up of kids together, or being on campaigns together, or helping one another at work but doing Things together.
The doesn ' t mean they have to do anything together. It's OK for one to have he or her own meaningful goals at work, where they don ' t work Together–that ' s perfectly fine. But In addition there have to be things the done are.
What We need is a active kind of love.  We can actively engage in activities and illustrate. If we don ' t sustain the active love, over time it'll go to away. Because if I don ' t invest anything in a relationship, it cannot to be sustained.
How did we sustain love? How do we remain active? Relationship rituals. Without rituals, in our modern world, the important and yet not urgent activities a take.
4 being known rather than validated
If We are known by the other partner, then means we must open up, we must reveal, we need to share of ourse Lves-not just the wonderful and the amazing and the terrific things, also the things that sometimes we are don't that pro UD of, our weaknesses perhaps, something so may is we ' re ashamed of. But It takes time, it isn't happened on the the "the", it might not happen on the the "the".
Relationship is about expressing ourselves, rather than trying healthy constantly impress.
Risky to open us ourselves, because what if she doesn ' t like me? What if he doesn ' t as What he finds out about me? But you if we express, we are more likely to have a thriving relationship–it ' s not guaranteed by any stretch of IM Agination. However, if we just impress, we are guaranteed failure.
When we are express, generally, over time, people'll be more attracted to us–specially I partner'll like me even More on time because of deeper levels of intimacy, even they sometimes find out things that they don ' t necessarily like  or adore or appreciate. Over time it's people who are genuine, when we express ourselves, we are much more likely to thrive.
We also need to get and make active effort to get to know our partner, to know what their favourite wine are, what th Eir favourite flowers are, where they like to be touched, what are their fears, what-are their desires, where is it a good Time to maybe give their own spaces, when it's it a good time to talk to them, where is it a good time to touch them. And all this things take time. That's what it means to create a lifelong thriving relationship so we get to know the other person throughout our lives.
The It ' s very important to validate your partner, however, the foundation of the relationship of known.
When we disclose ourselves, it's difficult in the short term, but in the long term, it leads to growth.
5 allowing for conflicts
5.1 Allowing for conflicts in relationships.
It's natural to have conflicts into relationships, let's, we can what from it and we can learn from it. It's important to give we relationship the permission to be human and humane.
5.2 Love Booster
The love are in the details. Love isn't in one week or two months around to the world cruise, and love isn't in this 5 carat diamond ring. What sustains a happy relationship are the details. The little things, the "day" rituals, the touch, the gaze, the meal together.
60-second pleasure points, whether it ' s a passionate kiss, whether it ' s just a hug where you just hold one anther, W Hether It's just sending a text message to your partner saying so much for your love them and Miss Them–the. Little things. These little things make the big difference.
We demonstrate our interests by asking ' So how are your day sweetheart ', or ' tell me more about what you have just D One ", or" what you have been thinking ", or you know" your look at a little bit down–anything I can do ". Demonstrate interest, create love maps. Get to know the "other" person–what they like, what they don "like, and" they like it.
The little things, such as smiling, such as flowers, such as remembering the important dates.
Pay compliments to your. "Oh, look wonderful." Or "for Thinking of me." Pay compliments–appreciating makes the good appreciates. Don ' t wait to be asked to give compliments. Give it, it ' s free. And yet though it, in the ultimate currency it is invaluable.
Demonstrate empathy. Do I really listen to my partner? Do I really look in my partner? Do I demonstrate genuine interest in what me partner is doing and feeling?  And how they are? Do I really want to know them? If we don ' t have that, it's very difficult to sustain a long term thriving.
The Sex is important for long term thriving relationship. Love at Its–or rather sex in its highest are love made concrete. That ' s what we talk about making love. It's the concretization of the emotion, that abstract notion. The important thing are here as every other areas of the relationship, healthy communication. Because very often, we reveal ourselves, we share of ourselves in the bedroom more than to any other place, whether it ' s p Hysically or emotionally or cognitively.
5.3 Positive Conflicts
Healthy conflict is cognitive conflict rather than affective. Cognitive conflict is about focusing on the person's behavior or thoughts and idea, and challenging those. Unhealthy conflict is focusing on the "on" the emotions, on who they are.
The someone I attack the who they are–the person, the emotion, which is not healthy. At the "Same time", I can disagree with, can have conflict when it comes, where we focus on the ideas, the thought and the IS Havior.
Challenging behavior, not person
-person: "Are so inconsiderate"
-behavior: "Do your mind putting down the toilet seat when you are done?"
-person: "You are such a slob; You are promised to throw away the garbage; I can ' t trust you. "
-behavior: "It upsets me to return to a dirty home, after we agreed this you would throw away the garbage."
Different approaches leads to different results to these criticisms.
Avoiding hostility, insults, contempt. It is important to keep this insults away, to focus on the person, to validate the person, to appreciate the person, and Then to disagree with the behaviour or with the ideas and the thinking.
The ' key is ' to keep ' disputes private, it is difficult enough to fight in a relationship, it is extraordinary di Fficult when embarrassment are also associated with it. So couples who shout in one another when there are others, it is extremely destructive, extremely unhelpful.
5.4 The Titanium Rule
The titanium Rule:do does unto those close to your what you would don't have done unto others O).
Why treat others better than we treat the people we love the most? Why treat the people we love the most worse than we would treat?
5.5 Deep Friendship
Deep Friendship:at the heart of my program are the simple truth this happy marriages are based on a Deep friendship.  By-I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment to each of the other ' s. These are couples tend to know each of the other intimately-they are and the all other ' s versed, likes, dislikes personality,  Hopes, and dreams. They have a abiding regard for all other and express this fondness is not just in the "big ways", but in little ways nd day out.
The love are in the details. It ' s about knowing the little things, the big things. It ' s about sharing and being known. That ' s what a healthy relationship is. That's how to you can sustain passion in a relationship over years. That's how you can continue to enjoy a passionate, sexual relationship.
Beautiful enemy and Helpmeet.
6 Positive perception
6.1 Benefit finding and benefit creating
In a healthy relationship, the have is the benefit finders. They have to appreciate one another. Because remember if we don ' t appreciate, the good depreciates. If we don ' t appreciate what is working in a relationship, pass the honeymoon phase, the relationship'll enter a downward Spiral.
Benefit finding is important in a relationship. Focusing on the good, focusing in what works. and is then accentuated.
Successful thriving couples take this step further. They are not just benefit finders, They have positive illusions as. They the their partner more than the other people. Couples who evaluated the higher level in a, these are couples ' relationships were most likely to thrive and succeed ER time.
Wuyi Positive illusion becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, benefit creating. Seeing things that were not there or other people had the not seen and then it real.
Does love perceive potentialities but it also actualizes.
This is the essence of benefit creating. You are made me want to be a better mans, a better woman, a better person.
6.2 Refocusing on the Positive
Asking positive questions:what am I grateful for in my partner? It's important to does it always, especially during the difficulty times.
Asking positive questions:what is wonderful about our relationship? What ' s working? Why are we together in the ' the '? What do I love about him, her, us? What ' s good? And when we ask what ' s good, that's when we perceive it. And when we perceive it, when we appreciate it, it appreciates.
What we need to be open up a new quest, and the things that are there all along, which we simply have.
Terms of creating a more positive relationship, in terms of being a benefit creator, we want to focus on the Pote Ntial.
6.3 Positive communicating about Positive Events
Responding:ok Active constructive, tell me more. So how is it? Let ' s celebrate! Give me more details. I ' m interested!
Has It Win-win, both of us or the relationship would benefit from, or at the very least Is isn't hurt by it.
The It has to be genuine, it cannot is fake, because that especially once the partner knows "over time it just doesn" t work.
The WHO actively constructive respond to one another are building the for capacity times.
7 end up
There are no shortcuts when it comes to good relationships, to healthy relationships. It is hard work. If you are want to succeed, just-like it's in every other domain, there ' re no shortcuts. However, that's doesn ' t mean that hard work cannot is enjoyable, cannot be pleasurable as. And when that hard work are pleasurable and meaningful, over time, leads to a happier relationship, happier individuals To a win-win togetherness.
Have a person with your because you are the most important person in their lives, because they Much of that I becomes the We. They care about you as much as They care about themselves. They include in their circle of the self.
The now it dose isn't mean that there is no sacrificing in relationships, that's does not mean this if I partner is unwell, Or needs my help, I would don't go out of my way, even if meaning giving I something really-do at that PO Int.
Course, in healthy relationship, when the are becomes a We, sacrifices exist, and there is healthy sacrifice. But it ' s not a relationship this is based fundamentally on the sense of duty or altruistic of the self.
The more independent we are and the more inter-dependent we can become. That's when the I becomes a We. Ask yourself what partner would you rather to be, what partner to would you rather.