My "Parent's license."

As parents, the vocation is to raise and educate the children! Parenting requires our parents to make money to provide basic life for their children, but what about education? Do our parents have the knowledge and skills of a professional education child? Do our parents educate their children to have a recognised "parental license" like a school?

Recently, continue my "Thomas Gordon" course, learn the "Parental effectiveness training manual: Make you and the child more intimate". When I read the first three chapters, I found myself unable to control the whole book, and I was amazed by Professor Gordon's philosophy of parenting and parenting skills, and I was conscious that our parents needed training to get our parenting "parental license"!

1. What happened to our parents?

When we are parents, we will unconsciously take ourselves into a sacred realm, put on the "parents" of their coats, no longer treat themselves as mortals, think of their children face has no power, status, knowledge and wisdom, have the responsibility to command, control, command and guidance of children, and should be responsible for all the children's problems. At the same time, we believe that children are totally ours, we are willing to sacrifice everything for the children, can abandon their own needs, can unconditionally accept and tolerate any child's words and deeds, even if the false acceptance, we also think that we accept the children, but do not accept their behavior. In addition, in the process of educating children, our parents often think that we should maintain a consistent view, attitude and education, and establish a "united front". These ideas are the "parenting" concept that our ancestors left behind and recognized by our parents, friends and colleagues.

In practice, how do we look at and treat our children? On the one hand, on the way of life, when our ideals are frustrated in reality and cannot be fulfilled, we will transfer them to our children, we will shape our children according to their ideals and self-thought success, perfect character image, we regard them as the creation of their own life, shaping into our desired masterpiece, In this process, we will be in the "I am for his (her) good" banner, with their own authority and status to order, control and command them to carry out their own plans, completely disregard the child's feelings and intentions (I have a lot of this I am not able to obtain higher academic, wealth, status of parents, Put your hopes on the children and spend a lot of time and energy to educate children according to their own wishes, in order to cultivate the children who think "success" as the Glory, make up for their regrets and shortcomings in this respect! ）。 On the other hand, we need to honestly admit that all of our parents are mortal and will have two different feelings for their children at different times--accepting and not accepting. We sometimes feel that we can accept the behavior of our children, but sometimes we can't. Our acceptance will be influenced by our character and mood, the character of the child, the circumstances of the situation and so on, and neither father nor mother can always have the same feeling about the same behavior of the child at all times. When we falsely accept the child's behavior, the child is acutely aware of our true feelings through our facial expressions, voice tones, and behavioral postures, and they feel our silent reproach-though we accept it in words, but our actions show unacceptable. This can cause children to "get into trouble" and make them feel confused, frustrated and disturbed, which can seriously affect their mental health. Since fathers and mothers cannot always feel the same way about their children at all times, when our parents set up a united front, one of us will inevitably play the role of false acceptance, which is undoubtedly detrimental to the child's growth. It is generally accepted that "I can accept a child but not accept it", which is usually the idea that our parents give their children an explanation in a self-proclaimed and clever way, "I am not the one who denies you, but the negation of your behavior." This is purely a fallacy, how do we feel independent and opposite to their behavior while accepting children? If our response is not directed at the child who makes a specific action at a particular time, which child is targeted? Parents who cannot accept much of their children's behavior inevitably make them feel that they are not accepted as a person.

Why do our parents have to command, control, and order their children to give them advice, guidance and planning? Should we not treat our children equally, respect their wishes, thoughts and needs, just as we respect our parents, friends and colleagues? Why should our parents abandon their needs, sacrifice everything for their children, and accept and tolerate their words unconditionally? Can we not have our own needs in front of the children, to satisfy their own hobbies? Let's take these questions to find out how to get along with children and how to "parenting".

2. Children are having problems? Parents are having problems? The problem belongs to the child? Problem belongs to parents?

Should parents be responsible for all their children's problems? In life, we always feel that we are greater and smarter than the children, that we are their parents, have the responsibility and the obligation to help children solve their problems, really?

In fact, we fall into a trap and assume responsibility for solving problems that should belong to the child, rather than encouraging the child to solve the problem on its own. So, how do you differentiate between a child's problem and a parent's problem? We differentiate between accepting and not accepting the behavior of our children: parents should be responsible for solving problems when their parents do not accept the child's behavior, i.e. parents are in trouble, and the child should be responsible for solving the problem when the parent accepts the child's behavior but the child encounters a problem. When the parents are in a hurry, the child is slow; when the parents are tired to go home from work to want to rest, the child is entangled to play, the child did not go home to dinner but forgot to call; the child turned the music so loud that the parents could not hear it, which belonged to the parents for solving the problem. The child is rejected by a friend, the child finds his homework too difficult, the child is angry with the teacher, and the child is unhappy because of his overweight, which is the problem that the child is responsible for solving.

When the problem belongs to the child, the parents should let the child solve the problem themselves, let the child responsible for the problem, and find their own solutions, when the problem belongs to parents, parents should be responsible for solving the problem. The reasons are as follows:

Children have incredible, untapped potential in solving problems;

If parents help solve the problem, children will be dependent on their parents, unable to develop their ability to solve problems.

L If the parents take over the child's problem, will have a terrible burden, and can not be resolved when blaming themselves;

• When parents accept the idea that they are not responsible for their child's problems, they feel relaxed and easy to act as promoters, catalysts, and help media to help them find their own solutions;

In some cases, children do need help, but in the long run, the most effective help is not providing help.

How do you let your child solve a problem for a child? Parents can use the "listening method" to respond, to convey to the child, "you seem to have a problem, need my help?" ”。 Similarly, what should parents do to solve the problem of belonging to their parents? Parents can use the "confrontation law" to respond, to the children to communicate "I have a problem, I need your help!" ”。

3, how to listen, the child will say? What do you say, a child listens?

In reality, most of our parents are trying to take their child's ownership of the problem, such as:

Daughter: Marty doesn't play with me today. No matter what I do, she says she doesn't want to do it.

Mom: Well, why don't you propose to do what she wants to do? You must learn to get along with your friends.

Daughter: I don't want to do what she wants, besides I don't want to get along with her!

Mom: Well, go find another friend to play with if you continue to be a spoiled child.

Daughter: She is a spoiled child, I am not. And no one else can play with me.

Mom: You're just upset because you're tired. You're going to feel better tomorrow.

Daughter: I am not tired, I will not feel good tomorrow. You don't understand how much I hate her.

Mom: Don't say such things! If I hear you say your friend again, you'll regret it ...

Daughter: (angrily away) I hate this place. I wish we could move out.

Why doesn't mother's words have any effect on her daughter? and was rejected by her daughter? In communication, what is the problem with the words that mother transmits to children? Let's take a closer look at mom's words, in parentheses, which the daughter might understand:

L "Well, why don't you propose to do what she wants to do?" You must learn to get along with your friends. "(You think it's my fault, you don't believe me, you want me to change, you think you're smarter than me!) ）

L "Well, find another friend to play with if you continue to be a spoiled child. "(You don't believe I can solve the problem, you think I'm a bad boy!) ）

L "You feel upset just because you're tired. You're going to feel better tomorrow. "(You don't understand me at all, you don't understand how I feel!) ）

L "Don't say such things! If I hear you say your friend again, you'll regret it ... "(you threaten me with your authority, your status!) ）

From what the daughter might have understood in parentheses, mother's advice, preaching, evaluation, explanation, consolation, command, and threats passed on to the child are unacceptable attitudes, how can the daughter accept the mother, according to mother's meaning to do? Look at the complaints we often hear from children:

"My parents often tell me how bad I am, how stupid my ideas are, how I can't be trusted, and I just do more things that they don't like." How they already thought I was bad and stupid, I might be able to do these things with impunity. ”

This is exactly the old adage, "If you always say to a child that he is bad, he will become really bad." "How should our parents communicate with their children?" What information do our parents need to communicate effectively? Let's take a look at another conversation:

Daughter: Marty doesn't play with me today. No matter what I do, she says she doesn't want to do it.

Mom: You're a little angry with Marty.

Daughter: Yes. I don't want to play with her any more. She is no longer my friend.

Mom: You're so angry that you don't want to see her again.

Daughter: Yes. But if she doesn't become my friend, I'll never find anyone else to play with.

Mom: You hate playing alone.

Daughter: Yes. I guess I have to try to get along with her. But it's still hard for me to be angry with her.

Mom: You want to get along with her better, but you think it's hard not to be angry with Marty.

Daughter: I never used to--but then she always did what I wanted to do. Now she's not letting me command anymore.

Mom: Marty can't always agree with what you want to do.

Daughter: No ... Now she is no longer a obedient child. But she has become more interesting.

Mom: You like her better now.

Daughter: Yes. But it's hard to stop dictating to her, I'm used to it. Maybe if I let her do it on occasion, we wouldn't always quarrel. Do you think that would be useful?

Mom: You're thinking that if you give in every once in a while, it helps.

Daughter: Yes ... Maybe it is. I'll try.

This conversation mother has been trying to understand the meaning of her daughter, no orders and threats, no preaching, no evaluation, no explanation, no consolation, no advice. However, it has achieved extraordinary results, it helps the child to reduce negative emotions, promote the relationship between mother and daughter, help the child to solve the problem, the child is more willing to listen to the parents ' thoughts and ideas, the most important thing is that it left the problem to the child to solve themselves.

Understand the child's meaning, understand the child's status, accept the child's feelings, and believe that they can solve the problem themselves-that is, "active listening." Since "active listening" is so effective, how can our parents use it?

In fact, our communication is actually a coding and decoding process, for example, when a child is hungry, he will pass "what time does supper do?" "The language is coded (and can be coded by hand) and passed on to the parents, and when the parents receive the sentence and decode it correctly, the parents understand that the child is hungry." But if the parents understand this sentence as a child eager to eat out and play, and with a tired color to respond to the "early!" "The decoding of the parents is wrong, and the contradiction arises--the child does not know what the parents think, and the parents cannot understand the true meaning of the child." What if parents use "active listening" to check their children's decoding?

Child: What time does supper take?

Parents: You want to finish eating out early.

Child: No, I didn't mean that. I am really hungry, I hope the meal is ready soon.

Parents: Oh, I see. You are very hungry. How about some cookie pads? We have to wait for Dad (MOM) to come back for dinner--about one hours.

Child: That's a good idea. I'll have some biscuits first.

Although the parents ' initial decoding was wrong, the child's feedback made them aware of it, then re-decoded (the child was really hungry) and sent out another code ("You're Hungry"). "Active Listening" allows our parents to learn more about their children, to understand what they really think, and to avoid misunderstanding children because of our "ego-wise" (our adults always think smarter than their children).

"Active listening" requires our parents to abandon their thoughts and emotions and respond to their children in a sincere, trusting and verifiable manner. Avoid using

L Order, command, control--Tell your child to do something, give him an order

L Warn, admonish, threaten--tell your child what will happen if he does something

L admonish, preach, preach--tell your child what he should do.

L suggest, give a solution or comment--tell your child the answer or solution or give him advice

L Persuasion, education, logical debates--trying to influence children with facts, debates, logic

l Evaluate, criticize, disagree, blame-make a negative assessment or judgment on a child

L commend and endorse-make a positive assessment or judgement, and endorse

L classify, ridicule, humiliate--classify the child and make him feel ashamed and foolish.

L Explain, analyze, diagnose--Analyze what your child does and say, that you see through his heart and that you understand the problem.

L Comfort, sympathy, comfort, support-try to make your child feel better, get rid of his bad feelings, and deny the intensity of his emotions.

L investigate, interrogate, interrogate-try to find out the reason, motive, reason, seek more information to help solve the problem

L quit, distract, joke, shift topics-try to get your child to avoid problems, distract, and put the problem aside

"Active listening" helps children solve their own problems and promote their relationship with their parents, but what should our parents do if their parents are in trouble and the problem belongs to their parents?

"When you work a day, very tired. You need to sit down and rest for a while. You want to use this time to read the news. But your 5-year-old son is haunting you to play with him. He keeps pulling your arm, crawling up your lap and blocking the TV. Playing with him is the last thing you want to do now. ”

What would you do then? What information do you need to send yourself to rest and watch the news? You are frowning and shouting, "You are a very annoying boy!" "or" go to the side to play! " "Or, by the tone of the command," walk, leave me alone! ”。 Whether you are using command, command, control, warning, admonition, threat, or advice, sermons, sermons, suggestions, and so on, your child may refuse to do what you say, and let the child feel that your needs are more important than his needs, and that you disregard his needs. You may also use criticism, judgment, blame, "You should be sensible!" "You are a spoiled child," he said. "Interpretation, Diagnosis, psychoanalysis" you want to be mad at me, don't you? "Teach, Preach," Good boy, be obedient! "And so on to express your refusal, but these may make the child feel guilty, remorse, do not love themselves, hurt the child's self-esteem, let them fight back to you" you are always very tired! "You are the spoiled one."

We use the idea of coding and decoding to see how the child will decode your meaning. "You're such a pain in the neck!" "The message that you have delivered to the child may be" I am bad, I am not a good boy ". At this time, our parents should avoid using "you-information", instead of "I-Information", and use a non-verbal description to explain the facts and express their needs, such as "Dad worked a day, too tired!" Want to see the news, take a break! You run up and down and make me feel sick! "Or just say," I'm tired and need a rest. " After decoding the child will know "Dad tired, I can not play Dad." So, using "I-message" To tell the child you are just a mortal, you have sad, embarrassed, afraid, disappointed, tired, you also have their own hobbies, needs, you also need to get his help (the child is very happy to help parents).

"I-Information" needs our parents to objectively describe the facts, express their feelings, and the impact of the child's behavior on us. Avoid using

l Command, instruction, command--tell your child to do something, give him an order

L Warn, admonish, threaten--tell your child what will happen if he does something

L admonish, preach, preach--tell your child what he should do.

L suggest, give a solution or comment--tell your child the answer or solution or give him advice

• Judging, criticizing, blaming-making a negative assessment or judgment on a child

L classify, ridicule, humiliate--classify the child and make him feel ashamed and foolish.

L Explain, analyze, diagnose--tell your child what his motive is.

L Persuasion, education, debate-trying to influence children with facts, debates, logic

"Active listening" and "I-message" tell us, first of all, to distinguish between the treatment of children and the problems encountered by parents, and then put down our parents as "noble" authority, identity, status, knowledge and wisdom, with a verified attitude, objective elaboration and communication with children, Help children to solve their own problems or express their feelings and needs, to achieve the positive interaction between parents and children. Here's another question: how can we use our "Active listening" and "I-message" for babies and toddlers who don't speak or understand language? In fact, when children encounter problems, are through non-verbal information (crying, tampering) to encode and express, we must use non-verbal "active listening" and "I-Information" to do the feedback. When children encounter problems such as hunger, cold, and discomfort, we verify the child's problems by trying to feed, warm, caress, and confirm the stink odor, and help them to solve them (at this point they are not able to solve these problems); When we meet the infant tweaked not to wear clothes, slow to get on the bus, no reason to kick parents, etc. We can solve the problem through gentle and firm restraint actions, which can be understood by very small children, and it is the parents ' need to pass on to the infant.

How can we treat our children as judges, referees and arbitrators when they conflict with other children and demand that our parents resolve them? In the same vein, it is not difficult to judge that this is a child's problem, and if we intervene, we make mistakes in the attribution of ownership, deprive children of their own conflict and learn how to use their own efforts to resolve the conflict. At this point, we need to be completely outside the conflict, invite children to speak, and use "active listening" to help children solve their own problems.

Marcus: I want a truck! Give it to me! Let go! Let go!

Mom and Dad: Marcus, you really want that truck.

Brian: But I got it first! He came running to take it away. I want to get it over here!

Parent: Brian, you think the truck belongs to you because you got it first. You're mad at Marcus because he took the truck away. I think there's been a clash between you. Can you think of any way to solve the problem? What's the idea?

Brian: He should give me the truck.

Parents: Marcus, Brian has proposed a solution.

Marcus: Yes, of course he does, because then he's going to do it.

Mom and Dad: Brian, Marcus means he doesn't like the solution because you win and he loses.

Brian: Well, I'll let him play with my car until I finish the truck.

Mom and dad: Marcus, Brian suggested another option-you could play with his car while he was playing the truck.

Marcus: After he's done, can I play the truck?

Mom and Dad: Brian, Marcus wants to make sure you don't play with the truck after you've finished it.

Brian: All right. I'm going to finish it soon.

Mom and dad: Marcus, Brian said he agreed.

Marcus: That's fine.

Parents: I guess you've solved the problem, haven't you?

4, "Active listening" and "I-information" can solve all problems?

As the title asks, is this a universal key? The answer is certainly not. Because parents and children inevitably create contradictions and conflicts when it comes to children's values, beliefs, styles, preferences, and philosophy of life, such as the fact that we can't accept a child's odd outfit or a personality hairstyle, but these are the rights he enjoys as a citizen, as long as it does not violate the Constitution and the laws. Here, many of our parents want to be able to pass on their most cherished values to their children, and of course our parents can teach their values and inevitably do so. It is inevitable to impart their values because children are destined to learn the values of their parents by observing their parents ' behavior.

My parenting philosophy: accept what we can't change, change what we can change!

Finally, it is recommended to read the original "Parental effectiveness training manual: Make you and your child more intimate".

My parental license