Quick Dating Tips: Moderate sharing _ Leisure

When artist Kara Madrigal (Carla Madrigal) moved to Seattle last year, she didn't know anyone there. She had been living in San Francisco for the previous 38. She wants to meet some new friends. The 68-Year-old said: "So no one to recognize you really let a person collapse." ”

In order to meet friends, Madrigal every day out of the house. She goes to the gym, participates in community garden work, registers for yoga classes, and drinks tea in a tea room. Although she thought she was shy, she started talking to people on the bus and in the grocery store.

Dave Klug But she still doesn't have a way of building lasting friendships. A lot of people are friendly, but she has nothing in common with them. And some people don't want to open their hearts.

Two months ago, in a shop, a woman complimented Madrigal on her hairstyle. They started chatting and found that they all liked to hand-cloth and write. After a while, Madrigal boldly asked: "Would you like to come to my home for a cup of coffee?" Right now. ”

The lady accepted her invitation--and now they have become close friends.

Madrigal said: "I thought all friendship need ' slow heat ', need many years common life experience." My new experience was a real surprise. ”

Is it possible to create a close friendship quickly?

The psychological research expert gives the answer is affirmative. To study "friendships" in an experimental way, many psychologists use a program called "Fast Dating" that helps strangers build "intimate relationships" within 45 minutes. What are the key points of this scenario? That is, both sides must gradually disclose their personal information to each other.

The "quick dating" approach works: The researchers asked two people to work together on three groups of questions written on index cards, each containing 12 questions. These two people have to take turns to answer these questions in order.

The first set of questions involves only a few personal topics (such as "Do you rehearse what you want to say before you call?"). "When was the last time you sang to yourself?" When are you singing to someone? ”）。 The second group of questions is more personal, such as "What is your most feared memory?" "Is there anything that you have long dreamed of accomplishing?" Why didn't you put it into action? ”）。 The final set of questions is entirely personal (such as "When did you last cry in front of others?"). I Yinqi alone last time. "Among all members of the family, the death will be the most disturbing to you." ”）。 Each set of questions also includes a friendship establishment exercise (such as "Tell your partner what you like about him").

The key to "quick dating" is to build relationships in a step-by-step way, even if it happens in just 45 minutes.

"In the process of building friendships quickly, you have to be gradual and Aron," said Arthur accumulate, a professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook (Stony Brook University) and founder of the fast-dating program Asser Allen. If you put your personal head to the ground, others will be upset. ”

Not sure how to find the golden divide between talking too little and talking too much. Recall how much you wanted to get off the plane when you last met a neighbor who had introduced you to the bottom of the plane.

Excessive sharing is often seen as self, overwhelmed and inconsistent with social etiquette, Dr. Allen says. How to determine if you are sharing too much. If the other person looks tense, disturbed or aphasia, that's it.

Fast dating skills can also be used to promote business relationships, neighborhood relationships and romantic relationships, Dr. Allen says.

Researchers have used this technique to study how to establish intimate relationships between individuals from different ethnic backgrounds and groups that often distrust, such as police officers and residents of low-income areas.

Once I was looking for an apartment, waiting in line to vote, and interviewing people for this column, I made some great friends in a very short time. Of course, not every attempt is successful. The factors we call sparks or chemical reactions are also essential. Whenever I meet someone I think I might want to know more about, my secret is to share some of my own personal, perhaps awkward, or self-deprecating things (I often tell people I'm divorced). Doing so helps to arouse their curiosity and to open a conversation.

Just through a lunch, I learned one of the best friendships in my life. I was so upset that the other night I bumped into the man I had recently met but had a crush on. My lunch partner was a social psychologist, and I was so lucky that I wanted to do some reporting on his research. Before we could order, I asked him if he could consult him on some personal matters, but I told him that I could not feel so embarrassed until he also told me something about himself. From this lunch, we have been immersed in a few hours and laughter.

"The only way to create intimacy is to be open to your heart," says David Bakke, a 46-year-old personal finance website Editor David Baki. Once the two sides feel the bud of friendship, it is logical to freely share more unknown details. Baki said one of his closest friends was a former male colleague, who was nearly 15 years younger than him, and that it only took a few days to build friendships. Although some colleagues have joked about the age gap between them, they cherish the friendship because they can speak freely about both work and personal problems, says Ba.

When Madrigal's new friend, Susan Hannover, 61, was a guest at the Madrigal house on the day they met, the two were talking about art and their creative projects. Madrigal said: "The more I introduce myself to Hanover, the more I feel that we are very much alike." ”

It was not long before Hanover mentioned the sad years of her life. Later, Madrigal also confided in a few of his stories about the end of her first marriage and the experience she had to reshape her life thereafter. Madrigal said the sharing was "cautious ... In the spirit of building friendships. "

Hanover says the friendship between her and Madrigal is an "unexpected gift". "Sharing and initiative are good for both sides," she said. ”

Madrigal said it was exciting to find out that he was able to create a deep friendship so quickly. She said: "I realize that life sentiment can be shared in an instant, it's so alive, it's like we've been in each other's lives." ”

Elizabeth Bernstein

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Quick Dating

The following is part of the "Quick Dating" program used by interpersonal researchers to help strangers establish intimacy within 45 minutes. While it may be embarrassing to use any of the following as an opening statement for a conversation at a dinner party, these questions show how two of people can build friendships by talking about each other.

• Do you want to be famous? What way do you want to be famous?

• Did you rehearse what you were going to say before you called?

• When was the last time you sang to yourself? When are you singing to someone?

• Do you have a mysterious feeling about how you are going to die?

• If you can make any changes to your growth experience, what you will change.

• If you can wake up with some kind of talent or ability, what do you want to be?

Source: Dr. Asser Allen, State University of New York at Stony Brook