Self-developed games are the most difficult time of my life.

It took me one year to assume the role of a full-time independent developer and another year to work on it intermittently. I didn't really complete the game, so it may be a little early to write this article, but this game will meet you at the end of the year. In short, this is really a great experience, but it is also the most difficult time in my life so far.

I was a student before I started a full-time game. Throughout my school life, I have always been dedicated to various projects and want to create games at home instead of going to school. I often leave some bad reputation for staying at home without going out to meet any friends, but this is only because I want to spend most of my time playing games at home.

Imagine when I spent seven months completely focusing on game production and getting eager for some social connections. At this time, I also realized that I had seen very few people in the past seven months. Most people may think: "Well, since you want to meet people, you should call each other and do something ." But there are some problems, that is, when I am completely isolated this week, I think everyone hates me and never wants to do something with me.

At that time, I didn't really understand this, but there was a conflict between my brain and body, that is, what Jonathan Blow called, the rational part of my thinking (the thinking part) and intuition.

Rationally, I fully believe what I am doing. This game is very important to me and is like a portrayal of many of my important experiences. I want to complete it and present it to the world. If I don't, I will feel like a loser.

On the other hand, the intuition of my brain is panic. I feel that I am trapped somewhere, just as everyone I know is moving forward in my own life, I am dedicated to a game that never brings me anything, that is, it is likely to be ignored by many people and financially forces me to give up my dream of being a full-time independent developer. Sometimes I will give up seriously, that is, find some work that I don't want and end it.

I hope there is some way to solve the feelings of panic and despair. In fact, this method does exist and has actually influenced my life. When you have a strong sense of contradiction, you will start to talk nonsense and feel that all these crazy emotions have no foundation. I think this is a common situation in the field of creativity, but we have been avoiding it. Maybe the best example of this internal conflict is from indie game: The Movie. Here you can see the developer talking about something similar to what I mentioned above.

I recently listened to Jonathan Blow's speech, where he discussed a lot of such content. This really helps me understand the so-called combination of emotion and thinking. Our body has core needs: physical comfort and external testing. No matter what you do, your body never seems to understand why you are standing in front of a computer and working on something for a long time. It will begin to desire to be accepted. It wants people to tell you how smart you are, how great you are, and how much you want to be "loved ".

It is really dangerous for many people to put such demands under control. If you are a musician, the only thing that makes you happy is the applause after the show, not the show itself. To be honest, you are totally tied to your own happiness. You will just want more happiness, never feel satisfied, always waiting for the next time someone tells you how great you are. This is much better than doing something, because you want to do this, not because you want to please others. I think this is why my industry is so sluggish that designers are completely immersed in how to please players: Find a way to cater to the ideas they want to master skills and make sure everything is fair, the most important thing is to make sure they have fun.

On the other hand, when you indulge in something completely, your intuition will try to let you do something different. I am not sure whether this is a natural intention, but I think it is great to have the combination of these two kinds of thinking. Finally, if what you do does not help everyone lead a better life, it is not worth the effort.

When I have too much time alone and desire social interaction, our first reaction is to climb people's heads and make demands. "You need to meet me ." "Tell me how good I am, so that I feel valuable ." We certainly don't need to make it so clearly, but this is what we want to express.

Many of us are trying to manage our self-image or self-confidence, rather than developing ourselves and investing in the value of all our lives-as long as someone "likes me ", our life is of value. This is not love, so it cannot really get satisfaction; it is just a temporary solution, such as using drugs to hide your own problems. True love is specific to some people, extending their understanding of life or providing tools that can give them some way to improve their lives. True love refers to accepting who you are and what you want without trying to change them to adapt to your perception of perfect relationships. I believe we have done something we regret or want to change.

So how do you create a game based on this philosophy. I think if you want to create something helpful to others, it must first be helpful to yourself. During the creation period, you must clarify the responses of potential users and focus on developing the sound and status of the game, then turn to the human model after the end of the main creative decisions and make careful adjustments to ensure that the content is easier to use.

When you strictly test a game and try to respond to every piece of feedback the player wants you to perform, your game no longer has its own "voice" and begins to become a commercial product afraid of hurting people's feelings. This is a major problem in both mainstream and independent games. For something specific to some people, it must have a strong identity and, as a creator, you must trust your game and what it can do for others. What is important is that we begin to listen to the identity of our projects without the conjecture that we may respond to users.

It may be difficult for us to create such a game because of a long development cycle and internal conflicts extended from the middle. I mean, I have devoted myself to this game for a year; some games even have three to five years of development cycle. So how should we manage these feelings during the development process?

I found it helpful to publish a small project, such as a collection box or a YouTube video. Similarly, you are trying to consider your situation from an external perspective (game state Note: Think critically, meditate, or explain it to people close to you) it has helped me to see that my problems are not as bad as they are. In fact, I want to say that many of these problems are not even rooted in any specific content; they are just some of the illusion your body tells you. Even if the game is rejected or financially failed, I have created important things that I will keep remembering in my future life. Life will continue, and I am sure we can experience better experiences as long as we take appropriate actions.

Although I feel that I have overcome these feelings, I think these contradictions may recover again in the future, that is, when I start working on something for a long time here. This is not a problem of having a permanent solution. As I said before, I think this is an occasional helpful method-having this feeling can inspire the completion of the game. However, we must be careful not to suppress these feelings. We must be careful enough to avoid overwhelming any of these feelings. It is important to maintain a balance in your life: chat with and meet people you care about, and devote yourself to the work you believe in.

I can understand that it is a bit strange to discuss these topics, but I really think they are related to many of the issues we have heard in this industry. An artist always draws on his own life experiences when committing to certain content. However, if all developers only know about Studio and key events, so how can we look forward to these people exploring new content in video games? Because they know at least what they have experienced.

Diversity is the condiment of life. Whether you are an independent creator of a long-term project, an ordinary game player, or an ordinary person, it is unreasonable to completely immerse yourself in something. You should try new things, dare to take risks and appreciate various things in your life, and learn from failures. The most important thing is to be able to have fun. In the real world, you only have one life, so you should use it skillfully.

Self-developed games are the most difficult time of my life.