What programming language should a novice learn?

See what you need.

• If you want to find a language with strong expressive power and function: Python
• If you want to develop Web programs more quickly: PHP
• If you want to associate with the "rock Star" programmers: Ruby
• If you want to learn the real programming: C
• If you want to be in Stargate: Scheme
• If you want to suppress the words: SQL
• If you want a gene mutation to be non-human: Microsoft Visual Basic
• If you want to get a guaranteed, but mediocre, income is good, in a small bedroom with fluorescent light to write some of the work of financial applications: Java
• If you want to put some certifications and certificates in your name: C #
• If you want to get some magical feeling that's hard to distinguish between arrogance and childish: Objective C

Follow this idea, I'll add a few,

• If you're looking for a sense of being abused by the public: C + +
• If you want to talk about fxxk all day long: JavaScript (which programmer has the most dirty mouth)
• If you want to be omnipotent BS of all Gods: The Assembly
• If you want to be a real man like Brother Chun or Brother Sharp: Brainfuck (BT ridiculous programming language)

What programming language should a novice learn?