Why do I always feel wrong when a female friend or friend complains to me about a thing?

Why do we always feel that the problem is in themselves when someone complains about something?

But why do we feel wrong about others or the environment when we meet ourselves?


This phenomenon is calledBasic Attribution Fallacy (Fundamental Attribution error), which generally exists in most people. We tend to use internal causes to explain the behavior of others while ignoring the environmental impact. But when we try to understand our behavior, the external causes become particularly obvious, so we will overemphasize the environmental impact and neglect our own factors--this is calledActors-observer bias (actor-observer bias)。

Jones and Harris did an experiment in 1967. They looked for a group of students to read an article opposing or supporting Fidel Castro (the former Cuban leader) and then evaluating the author's attitude towards Fidel Castro. The first group of students was told that the author of the article was a free-choice article, and it was natural for the group of students to believe that Fidel Castro's author was more positive about Castro. The second group of students was toldThe author's position is determined by coin toss., in other words, the position of the article has nothing to do with the author's attitude. Following the logic,This second group of students should not be able to judge the author's attitude, but the experimental results showed that the studentsstill think that the author of a coin-toss decision to write a pro-Castro stance has a more positive attitude towards Castro .。


Why is there such a phenomenon? is not because we are selfish love to shirk responsibility of the bad guys, justour attention is limited.Just When we observe and analyze others, our attention is focused on that person and it is easy to overlook the surrounding environment. And when we do something ourselves, we will have more attention to the environment around us. So we tend to choose the one we focus on when it comes to attribution of behavior.

Other than thatWe are quite lazy in dealing with other people's Affairs .。 Since our cognitive system automatically interprets the behavior of others with internal causes, even though we realize that the behavior of others is constrained by the environment, our cognitive system needs to be clearly consulted before the adjustment is explained. Especially when the cognitive system is very busy, we don't have enough cognitive resources to justify the behavior of others.

One last reason, perhaps some have heard--The phenomenon of the just World (Just-world phenomenon)。We are more willing to believe that the world we live in is just, we can control it, so long as we try to get what we want.。 If we attribute others ' failures to their own, then the world that cannot be changed and cannot be controlled is still good and just in our eyes. Believe that the world is good, failure is because of other people's own fault, such an idea to meet the inner security of our hearts.


When a friend complains, learn to think in a different place. If you can't help, at least don't jump to conclusions.

As for the emphasis on women, the matter is really not related to sex.

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The reason why I mention sex in my answer is that most of the high-ticket answers are from a single gender perspective, and the problem of the main question is described: "Not only for the girlfriend, in many cases someone confided to me when I feel wrong is actually their own。 Is this happening in my own arrogant pride, or is it due to the difference in the degree of rationality and sensibility that I have with my friends in dealing with problems? If what I think is true, then how can I respond appropriately to my friends?Most of the cases are female friends .。 ”

Why do I always feel wrong when a female friend or friend complains to me about a thing?