Why on Earth are we unhappy?
Surprisingly, Harvard's most popular elective course last year was " Happiness class ", with more people attending the class than the Ace of Economics introduction. This course was taught by an obscure young lecturer named Thelles Ben-Shahar.
In the "Happiness Class" two times a week, Ben-Shahar no big talk about how to succeed, but to teach his students in a comprehensible way, how to be happier, Fuller, happier.
Ben-Shahar claims to be a shy, introverted person. "At Harvard, I was teaching positive psychology for the first time and only 8 students enrolled, and 2 of them dropped out of class. The second time, I have nearly 400 students. The third time, when the number of students reached 850, the class is more to make me feel nervous and uneasy. Especially when the parents of the students, grandparents and the media friends, began to appear in my class. ”
Ben-Shahar became the "Harvard Reds". A number of media such as the school magazine and the Boston Globe reported that the positive psychology classes were hot at Harvard.
We are getting richer, but why still unhappy?
"I have not been happy for 30 years. "Ben-Shahar said so himself.
He is also a Harvard graduate, from undergraduate to PhD. At Harvard, as one of three outstanding students, he was sent to Cambridge for Exchange study. He is also a first-rate athlete and active in community activities. But these did not make him feel the lasting happiness. He confessed that his heart was not happy.
"At first, it was my experience that aroused my interest in positive psychology. I began to realize that inner things are more important to happiness than external things . I benefited greatly from the study of this subject. I wanted to share what I had learned with others, so I decided to be a teacher. ”
In this-Shahar's second "Happiness Lesson" in 2004, the Harvard School newspaper reported that "schools are facing a mental health crisis," under the heading of the lead: "In the past year, the overwhelming majority of students feel depressed and depressed." The article cites a letter from a school district counselor to the director of the residential district.
"I'm almost annihilated." "The counselor wrote. In his district, 20 students had psychological problems. One student was unable to complete the semester assignment because of severe anxiety, and another student missed the exams because of a mental breakdown ... The district Supervisor forwarded the letter to the President of Harvard, stressing that the problem in the district was not an exception.
A Harvard graduate who was suffering from severe anxiety and emotional disorder said: "Most Harvard students are unaware that even those who appear to be very active and wonderful are likely to be tortured by mental illness, even if you are his best friend, and not necessarily aware that he has psychological problems."
"Deep in my heart, I often feel suffocated or dead. The student said. She often does not understand the original to cry, always to lock herself up to sleep. She has seen a few psychologists, tried 6 drugs and dropped out for two months to cope with her psychological problems. "I am a Harvard psychopath with excellent results. "She describes herself like this.
A Harvard girl named Maria, who committed suicide in her dorm room, was only 19 years old. Her roommate recalls: "The night before committing suicide, Maria and her classmates were very happy when they talked about the weather." "She looks very well. She was listening to the music and the tone seemed to be cheerful. ”
A 6-month study in Harvard found that students are facing a general mental health crisis. In the past year, 80% of Harvard students have at least once felt depressed and depressed, the survey said. 47% of the students, at least once because they were too depressed to do normal work, 10% of the students said they had considered suicide ...
"We are getting richer, but why are we still unhappy?" "This is a problem that many Americans are deeply puzzled about. According to statistics, in the United States, the prevalence of depression, 10 times times higher than in the 1960s, the onset of depression age, also from the 60 's 29.5-year-old fell to today's 14.5-year-old. Many countries, too, are in the footsteps of America. In 1957, 52% of people in the UK said they were very happy, and by the year 2005, only 36% were left. But in this period, the average income of British citizens has increased by 3 times times.
When we come to this world, what is the most important thing to pursue?
Ben-Shahar firmly believes that happiness is the sole measure of life and the ultimate goal of all goals.
"When people measure business achievement, the standard is money." With money to assess assets and debts, profits and losses, all that is not related to it is not taken into account, and money is the highest wealth. But I think that life, like business, also has profits and losses. Specifically, when you look at your life, you can think of negative emotions as spending and positive emotions as income. When there is more positive emotions than negative emotions, we profit from the "high wealth" of happiness. Long-term depression can be seen as an "emotional bankruptcy". Society as a whole can also face this problem, if the problem of the individual is growing, the problem of anxiety and pressure is more and more, the society is moving towards the "Great Depression" of happiness. ”
A study of "happiness" suggests that people's well-being depends on 3 factors: " genetic genes, the environmental factors associated with happiness, and the actions that can help us get happiness ." Positive psychology can help people live happier and fuller lives. happiness can be obtained by learning and practicing . ”
Ben-Shahar said: "I know it's doable, because it has helped me deeply." "
Many of our lessons teach students how to think better, read better, and write better, but why shouldn't someone teach them to live better? It is the original intention of the Shahar to set up a "happiness lesson" to teach the students how to help themselves by simply and practically learning the academic achievements of the difficult positive psychology.
Let Ben-Shahar's understanding of happiness, the cause of fundamental change, was an important experience in his early years.
When he was 16 years old, Ben-Shahar, who grew up in Israel, won the National Squash Championship. For more than 5 years of training, the emptiness was accompanied by a shadow that he had always felt was missing in his life. Depressed as he is, he still believes that it is hard to be strong in the body or the mind to win, and that victory will surely bring a sense of fulfillment and ultimately happiness.
Finally, Ben-Shahar fulfilled, after the title of his ecstatic, and family, friends held a solemn celebration. At that time, he was more convinced of his ideas: success can bring happiness, and the pain of the past is worth it.
"But on that night, I sat in bed before I slept, trying to relive the thrill of infinity." But all of a sudden, the feeling of victory, the joy of that dream come true, all the happiness vanished into thin air. My heart, suddenly become very empty, only confusion and fear. Tears gush, no longer is the joy of the extremely sad, but sad. In such a good situation, can not feel happy, then I will go to find the happiness of my life? ”
He tried to calm himself and told himself that it was only a temporary nervousness. But in the days that followed, he still did not find happiness, on the contrary, the sense of emptiness inside is getting heavier. Slowly he found: victory, did not bring him any happiness, his reliance on the logic is completely broken. "From then on, I began to be fascinated by a question: how can I get real happiness?" "
Ben-Shahar pay attention to the people around him, who looks happy, he will consult with whom. He read books about happiness, from Aristotle to Confucius, from ancient philosophy to modern psychology, from academic research to self-help books and so on. At last he decided to go to college to major in philosophy and psychology.
His view of happiness, gradually clear: happiness, should be a combination of happiness and meaning.
"A happy person must have a clear, happy and meaningful Target , and then strive to pursue. The person who is truly happy, will enjoy the little bit of it in the way of life that makes sense to him. "
Ben-Shahar from Hamburg, summed up four kinds of life patterns.
In that year, in order to prepare for important events, in addition to hard, he must strictly control diet. One months before the start of the race, eat only the thinnest meats, whole wheat carbohydrates, and fresh vegetables and fruits. He had secretly sworn that once the race was over, he would have to eat "junk food" for two days. At the end of the race, the first thing he did was run to his favorite burger and buy 4 hamburgers in one gulp. When he couldn't wait to rip the paper bag and put the burger on his lips, he stopped. Because he realized that last month, because of a healthy diet, his physical fitness. If you enjoy the delicacy of the present burger, you will probably regret it and affect your health. Looking at the hamburger in front of him, he suddenly discovered that each of them has its own unique flavor, which can be said to represent four different modes of life :
Unfortunately, according to Ben-Shahar, most people in real life are "busy".
People tend to focus on the next goal, often ignoring the things in front of them.
Ben-Shahar often says "Tim's Story". In this story, there are many familiar shadows shaking:
Tim was a carefree boy when he was a child. But since the day of primary school, his busy life began. Parents and teachers always warn him that the purpose of school is to achieve good results, so that when you grow up, you can find a good job. No one told him that school could be a place to be happy and that learning could be a happy thing. Because of fear of bad test, worried about writing a typo, Tim is burdened with anxiety and pressure. What he hopes for every day is class and school. His spiritual sustenance is the annual holiday.
Gradually, Tim accepted the values of the adults. Although he doesn't like school, he still studies hard. When the results are good, both parents and teachers praise him, and the students envy him. By high school, Tim had been convinced that the sacrifice was for the sake of future happiness, and that without pain there would be no gain. When the pressure is too high to bear, he comforts himself: once in college, everything will be fine.
Tim was so excited to cry when he received a college admission notice. He took a long sigh: Now, can live happily. But a few days later, the familiar anxiety returned. He was afraid that he could not win in the competition with college classmates. If you can't beat them, you won't find a good job in the future.
After 4 years in college, Tim is still busy, trying to make his resume shine. He set up student clubs, volunteers, various sports, and carefully elective courses, but all of this is not out of interest, but in these subjects, to ensure that he gets good grades.
In his senior year, Tim was hired by a famous company. Once again he was excited to tell himself that he was finally able to enjoy life. But he quickly sensed that the job, which required 84 hours of work a week, was fraught with stress. He also persuaded himself: "It's okay to do this, the future position will be more solid, in order to get a faster promotion." Of course, he also has a happy moment, when he gets a raise, a bonus or a promotion. But these feelings of satisfaction soon subsided.
After years of fighting, Tim became a partner of the company. How much he had longed for this day. However, when this naïve arrival, he did not feel much joy. Tim owns a mansion, a famous sports car. His savings never end up in his life.
He was identified by the people around him as a model of success. A friend takes him as an idol to educate his children. But Tim, because unable to find happiness in the blind pursuit, he simply focused on the current, with alcohol, drugs to anesthesia himself. He extended his vacation as long as he could, staying in the sun on the beach for hours, enjoying a life without a purpose, and never worrying about tomorrow. At first he was very happy, but soon he was bored again.
Do "Busy rush type" is not happy, do "hedonism type" is not happy, because can not find a way out, Tim decided to surrender to fate, resigned. But what about his children? What kind of life should he lead them to? Tim is deeply distressed by this.
Why are there so many "busy" people in today's society? Ben-Shahar This explanation: Because people are often blinded by the "illusion of Happiness" .
Our social environment and cultural background is this: if a child is a straight-up, the parents will give the reward, and if the employee works well, the boss will send the prize. People habitually pay attention to the next goal, and often neglect the immediate things, and finally lead to a lifelong blind pursuit .
However, once the goal is reached, people often explain the mood of relaxation as happiness. It seems that the more difficult it is to do it, the better the happiness after success. There is no denying that this liberation makes us feel real happy, but it is not equal to "happiness". It's just "the illusion of happiness".
This is like a person with a headache, he will be happy for the head pain, this is because of this joy, from the painful antecedents. "Busy rush Type" people, mistakenly believe that success is happiness, firmly believe that the goal of relaxation and liberation, is happiness. As a result, they keep running from one target to another.
In Ben-Shahar's eyes, finding a real goal that makes you happy and meaningful is the key to getting happiness .
In class, Ben-Shahar constantly asks the listener:
We can constantly ask "why" to reflect on what we are after: a big house, a promotion or any other goal. See how many "why" to ask, in order to fall into the pursuit of "happiness"? Ask yourself, what do I do that makes sense to me? Did they bring me pleasure? Does my heart encourage me to try different things? Is it reminding me of the need to radically change my present life?
Ben-Shahar's philosophy teacher gave him a little advice when he graduated: " life is short, before you choose the road, make sure you can do it." Among them, do what you want to do. Then refine and figure out what you really want to do. Finally, for those who really, really want to do, put into action. "
Ben-Shahar also teaches his students how to find a job that can play their strengths and passions.
With the following 3 key questions, ask yourself: First , what brings me meaning? Two, what brings me happiness? Three, what is my advantage? and pay attention to the order. Then look at the answer and find out the intersection of the job, which is the job that will make you feel happy.
More than 10 years ago, Ben-Shahar met a young man. He is a lawyer, works for a well-known company in New York and is about to become a partner. Sitting in his superior apartment, the view of Central Park is sweeping. Young people work very hard, at least 60 hours a week. In the morning, he struggled to get up and dragged himself to the office, meeting with clients and colleagues, legal reports and contractual matters that occupied him every day. When Ben-Shahar asked him what he wanted to do in an ideal world, the lawyer said he wanted to work in a gallery.
"Can't you see the work of the gallery in the real world?" he said. "The young man said no." But if you work in a gallery, there will be a lot less income and a lower standard of living. Although he was disgusted with the lawyer's house, he felt no other choice.
He is not happy every day because he is tied to a job he doesn't like. In the United States, 50% of people are not satisfied with their work. But Ben-Shahar that these people are unhappy not because they have no choice but their decision to make them unhappy. For they put material and wealth above happiness and meaning.
"Money and happiness are necessities of survival, not mutually exclusive." "he said.
He added that, usually in the more interesting things, the more people can play their own talent, the more they can do lasting. Once a person has a passion, not only the motivation is firm, even the efficiency of doing things will improve. For example, a student who loves learning can enjoy the joy of creation in learning, and this happy achievement can help him achieve good results and help him get the happiness of the future. In intimacy, too, two of people share the beauty of love and promote each other's growth and development.
Many studies have shown that a happy person can be successful at every level of life, including marriage, friendship, income, job performance, and health. Happiness and success, there is a strong interaction, whether it is work or emotional success, can bring happiness, and happiness itself, can also bring more success.
Ben-Shahar summed up the 3 working realms: Earning a living, a career, a sense of mission.
If work is only a task and a means of making money, there is no personal realization. So every day to go to work, just must rather than want to go, he expected, in addition to salary, is the holiday, the work as a career, in addition to the accumulation of wealth, but also pay attention to the development of the cause, such as power and prestige. They will be concerned about the next opportunity for promotion, from associate professors to tenured professors, from teachers to principals, from staff to supervisors, from editors to editor-in-chief, and if work is a mission, the job itself is the goal. Salary, position is important, but they work because they want to do the job, the motivation from the heart. Work is a kind of grace, not a job for people. They are passionate about their work, self-fulfilling in their work, and gaining a sense of fulfillment. Their goal is the goal of self-harmony.
One study was directed at the hospital cleaners. A group of people feel that their cleaning work is boring, meaningless, but another group of people, feel very meaningful, do very well. They talk to nurses, patients and family members to find ways to make hospital staff and patients comfortable. They look at the job more highly and find meaning in it: I'm not just a person who's taking out trash and washing clothes, it's my job to keep the hospital running and help patients recover faster.
Just like the second group of people, because in the daily work to find a sense of mission, so it also got more meaning and happiness, their relationship with the service object, is no longer a simple money relationship. Sometimes people do not change jobs, or change the work environment, what they do is to give the work itself more meaning, to discover the fun, and thus improve the sense of well-being.
It can be imagined that a person who learns the law because of the pressure of his parents cannot find long-term happiness in it; on the contrary, if it is based on a love of law to become a lawyer, he will be in the maintenance of justice, but also feel very happy.
"An investor who finds meaning and happiness at work, a businessman with a right motive, is definitely more noble and meaningful than an absent-minded monk." "Ben-Shahar said with certainty.
Different people will find meaning in different things. such as entrepreneurship, volunteering, raising children, practicing medicine, or even playing furniture. The important thing is that when choosing a goal, it must be determined that it conforms to its own values, interests, and desires, not to meet social standards or to cater to the expectations of others. "The Call of the True me" is a sense of mission.
"It was a magical moment. "Ben-Shahar, in a passage, describes this wonderful experience: I have even formed a superstition that there is indeed an unseen force in the world to help me." As long as you follow your own talents and heart, you will find that the trajectory of life has existed and is looking forward to your presence, and what you have experienced is the life you should have. When you can feel yourself walking on the track of Destiny, you will find that people around you are beginning to give you new opportunities.
" in pursuit of meaningful and happy goals, we are no longer the time to kill, but to let the Times shine." "
One day, in the Harvard cafeteria, a student came to Ben-Shahar and asked him, "You are the teacher who teaches how to be happy." The student then said: "You have to be careful, my roommate has chosen your class, if one day I find that you are not happy, I will tell him, do not take your class." Ben-Shahar looked at the student and smiled: "It doesn't matter, I can tell you now, I also have unhappy moments, because we are human."
"Someone always asks me, can you help me to eliminate the pain?" But why use this attitude to treat pain. Pain, is our life experience, will let us learn a lot. The growth and leap of life often occurs when you feel very painful. ”
Long life, everyone will inevitably face the sad moment, such as experience failure or loss, but we can still live happily. In fact, looking forward to every moment of happiness will only bring disappointment and dissatisfaction, and eventually lead to the emergence of negative emotions.
a happy person, there will be emotional ups and downs, but on the whole, can maintain a positive attitude towards life. He is often driven by positive emotions, such as joy and love, and is seldom controlled by anger or guilt, or by these negative emotions. Happiness is the norm, and Pain is a small episode.
At the beginning of the "Happiness Class", Ben-Shahar wanted to play an omniscient, humorous person, a perfect mentor, and he went to the comedian training course to learn. But he is not the kind of person who can play a fierce joke and do hyperbole. No matter how he learned, he could not achieve the desired theatrical effect.
Want to be a perfect teacher, he found that this is the harm to himself, also hurt the students. "Every time is very nervous, afraid of being found under the mask of the real look, the results of their own very tired." This not only harmed myself, but also hurt the students, is equal to the students set up a ' perfect ' typical, tell the students to walk a never go through, the wrong way. Open oneself, bare the true humanity, will arouse the student true humanity. Being a natural person in front of a student will be more respectable. ”
Ben-Shahar wants his students to learn to accept themselves, not to neglect their own uniqueness, to get rid of "perfectionism" and to "learn to fail."
To better remember the main points of the "Happiness Lesson", Ben-Shahar also simplifies 10 tips for students:
In February 2006, Harvard made a big deal, the headmaster Summers for his amazing language "woman congenital inferior to male", paid "class" the price. The soon-to-be-resigned summers was glum, and his friends found Ben-Shahar, begging for tips on how to make the headmaster happy, Ben-Shahar.
First of all, he may now be upset, frustrated, and sad, all of which are normal, because he is also a human being. Go boldly through whatever he is experiencing now and accept it naturally.
Second, it is suggested that Mr. Summers himself should read the book of Daniel Gilbort, a professor of positive psychology at Harvard, saying that human beings have an extraordinary ability to overcome emotional loss. things were not as bad as he initially seemed, even if they were expelled from the heads of the world's top universities.
Third, he can reflect on his experience as President of Harvard, recall the peak of his tenure, and use what he has learned to find new opportunities and uses.
If the above approach still does not work, Ben-Shahar A last resort: I can leave a seat in my class, the Headmaster can audit the course and make the corresponding paper.
Why on Earth are we unhappy?
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