Your greatest mission in life is to be yourself.

I haven't had a chance to be a parent yet, but I've seen how too many parents are making their children miserable. This is not to say that these parents are very cruel or do not love their children, on the contrary, many parents love their children very much and hope that they have the best life. So what is it that makes their children so miserable and so unhappy? Joy wants to talk to your dear friend today about this compulsory credit for our parents-to accept your child.

What is the best life

Each of us has a definition of the best life, for example, some people think that people should be a good personality, have enough financial resources, have a very ambitious career and a very good partner, while others feel that the best life is life is very happy, every day to do what they like and with the people you like. And some people feel that the best life is peacefully, not suffering from all kinds of hardships and failures, plain and safe alive ... These ideas are no problem in themselves, after all, we have already entered the era of value diversification.

But when we impose on our children what we think is the best standard of life, the problem arises.

Children do express our genes, but this does not mean that children belong to us as objects, not to the things they like or to the things that make them happy. When we force our value system and what is the best standard of life imposed upon them, it tends to suppress their own natural development. But this is indeed a mistake that we would have accidentally made.

Let me give you a very simple example. Let's say you're a person who tends to be organized and methodical, but you happen to have a child who is more random and does not like to tidy up and put things in place (if you have done a test, you know that the last dimension of it is judgment and perception, and most people prefer rules and plans, while those who perceive tend to be more sexually Strong adaptability).

At this time most parents practice is: do not accept! --"I'm a very methodical person, why aren't you?" "We tend to try to change our children so that our children become a planned, rule-based person just like us, but forget that he likes to be spontaneous, impromptu and not fond of being bound."

There is no life in the world, what kind of personality, which way of life, or even what kind of character and trait is the "best". The qualities you admire and love, your child does not have to have.

If you don't accept children, what will they look like?

Here I may be able to tell a few very distressing stories. They all actually happened to me.

The first story is about a good friend of mine. She is a classic that is not accepted by her parents. From childhood father often hope that she become the "other people's children", I hope she can be good at maths, I hope she has good grades, but she is not very good at maths, but for the school's learning style is not very like. Therefore, she was not accepted by her father since childhood, and has not been able to believe in her ability or even inferiority. Later she also came to work in Beijing, but because of long-term distrust and do not know their advantages, has not known what kind of work they are fit for.

I remember the first time she came to this side of the main is to graduate. I slowly found that the postgraduate examination is not what she really wanted, because she said very clearly do not like reading. Then why does she have to take the postgraduate examination? Because her parents want her to graduate. I hope she becomes a more "accomplished" person. Later, she was not admitted to graduate school, because it is not what she wanted at all. But this thing will be used by parents to combat her self-confidence evidence: "You look at you, in the end what can be done, postgraduate examination has not been admitted!" "But they forget that the grind is what they want instead of what she wants, so the test is not really reasonable thing."

She had just resigned from her company some time ago and had a very anxious situation because of her confusion about the future direction. Such anxiety has left her with insomnia, diarrhea, nosebleeds, inflammation of the mouth and so on, which she just can't solve. Even now, her parents want her to be the daughter of their eyes, or she will continue to persuade her to go to the civil service, although they know that it is not her favorite.

Another story happened to a girl in my group counseling group. The girl looked very pleasing in vain, but I did not think that when I began to make people do the Zen meditation, she felt very difficult to be kind to herself or to bless herself. We need to bless ourselves with blessing words, such as "Bless my health, bless me safe, bless my happiness, bless my life carefree." But she found it difficult to say such things to herself. And then I found out why. Because her parents also do not accept her.

I remember one time she had a little tear in her eyes and said to us, "I've been letting people trample my life." I let my parents take the push, I have been in the life they want me to live, repeatedly retreat, but forget what they need. I have changed a few times work is my father's arrangement, and I can not tolerate is I always do, but I really very painful. I think they can not accept the most real me, so I have been unable to do my own ... "

The last story was told to me yesterday morning by a visitor who wanted to speak to me. She was a young mother, and I was able to hear it from the sound of her calling me, and she was very anxious. She told me that she was particularly afraid of having her baby affected by her anxiety and irritability. Then she told me a story like that.

She said that her mother had been giving her a blind date a few years ago, and that she should consider marrying each other as long as she was in good condition, and that her personality and character were seldom considered. At that time, she was a blind date, she said from the first glance she was very dislike, but because the family feel that the other side "good condition", so forced to communicate with each other.

At the very beginning of the meeting, the blind date was at her house, but she did not revolt because of a lower sense of self-worth. When mother came home, she shouted: "Mom!" "I want my mother to notice that she is being violated now. But not only did the mother not notice her pain, but she scolded her for being so loud in front of the blind date that she never mentioned it in front of her mother.

Later she was denied in the long-term, in the sense of self-worth at the lowest time to marry her own ex-husband, in her own words: "Treat yourself as a substandard goods disposed of". Because there is no basis for love and appreciation of each other, eventually she went to divorce. And all of this stems from the parents ' unacceptable and non-appreciation of her.

Nothing in the world is more painful than being unable to be yourself. When we do not accept our children, they will obey our thoughts because they love us, but the children who have taken our standards and values into their hearts will experience pain, confusion, frustration, anger, and so forth day after day as a result of these standards and values and the intense conflict with their innermost feelings. When a person's full energy is used to regulate these contradictions, where there is energy to grow, to bloom, to become the best possible self?

My baby, I just need you to be who you are

Many times we do not accept our own children, precisely because we often do not accept ourselves or do not allow ourselves to have a different side.

Let me give you an example. For example, you are a more attention to dress-up people, each time you go out before you will be from head to toe to clean up the beautiful. This time you walk out of the house, on the way to work you see a variety of people, some of you with the appreciation of the eye (because they are as clean and tidy as you are), while others make you sick-they are sloppy, hair messy, wearing slippers and large underwear out scary. You find it hard to accept them, right? Why is it? Because you never allow yourself to be a sloppy person like them! Your inner heart is harsh on your image, which makes you unable to accept other people's attention.

Let me give you an example. Suppose you are a very practical and pragmatic person, and you do things like having solid evidence and being completely results-oriented. A colleague who works with you is an out-and-out idealist who is creative and somewhat imaginative. Working with her makes you a little bit miserable, why? Because she has a different way of thinking than you do, and you want her to be more pragmatic than you are, focusing on the tasks of the moment rather than on the more likely future in your mind. You really want to change her, but you know she won't be changed by you, so you often get very nervous. You will find that because you do not allow yourself to have an idealistic side, it is difficult for you to accept others ' idealism.

One last example. You are an introvert and you hate your introverted personality, and your child happens to be such introverted character. Because you don't like your introverted personality, you want your child to be more outgoing. From childhood you encourage him: "Go, say hello to uncle and aunt!" "or" You go to the uncle and ask the way, see how we Go ", although you know your child is really shy. But you find that the child is becoming more shy because of your reluctance, and every time you force him to become outgoing, he will hide behind you more than you want to talk.

Dear you, please accept all the power and shadow of yourself and allow yourself to have many facets of life.

It is only when you open your heart to yourself that you can begin to open your heart to your own children.

If you are a person who likes to read and your child does not like reading, please do not force her to be a person who reads like you every day, because maybe she is not good at reading, but she likes painting very much. And the best you can give her is to encourage her to use her favorite painting to express herself better and become herself;

If you are particularly interested in making money, but your child is especially enthusiastic about doing good, please do not force him to make money to become the person you like, you should even help him better to do the public welfare, because you, in helping him to become himself;

If your definition of a good job is a job for a civil servant and a nine-to-five-hour life, your child is eager to take the risk of taking responsibility for a creative and more autonomous work, and you can support her unconditionally. Maybe what she wants to do is start a business, and you say the civil servant will never give her happiness. Do not take for granted that leisure will make her happier, can't you see that she is in the adventure and creation of the face of happiness?

If your interpretation of a happy marriage is to get married and have children before the age of 30 and the other person has a car and a house, and your daughter feels that she is looking for someone who is more mentally fit, has a common language and is in the same pursuit, then please don't force her to go on a blind date with someone she doesn't like. Put down all your "should" and do not accept, your unconditional love, can give her the ability to love others, and such ability, than you give her to save 300,000 pieces of dowry to be more valuable;

Even if you think that marriage should happen between two opposite sex, and your son happens to like a man, please try to lay down all your judgments and not accept them. He may be different from you, but please believe and allow him to have the ability to be happy. You may be able to force him to marry a non-heterosexual, but you can't make him happy. If you really love him, then the best you can do is to accept him as a different sexual orientation and encourage him to be himself.

My dear child, now my mother has not met you, perhaps it will be several years before we meet.

But mom wants to tell you in advance that MOM is practicing every day how to be more receptive to herself. Because mother know, only I better self-acceptance, more fully explore the various possibilities of their own life, I can better accept you.

I know it's not easy to do. Even my mother will be at some point in the future, because you are different from me, and want to turn you into the way I want to be, not your most true appearance. But mom will be very hard to respect you, appreciate you, and forget to respect and appreciate the most real you when you apologize.

I just want you to know that you don't need to be anybody else. Your greatest mission in life is to be yourself!

Because I know, for you, to be yourself is you, the best life!

Your greatest mission in life is to be yourself.