If I can't be myself

When cooking, I do not know how to think of the home of sour pepper, the flavor of the jars, is Beijing can not buy. Want to eat that taste, can only come home to help bring a little over. It occurred to me that my brother would come soon. But I don't have a pickle jar yet. Without the pickle jar, there would be no place to store sour peppers in the fridge, which would still be bad soon, and the whole fridge would smell.

I should go and buy a pickle jar, I said in my heart. But the thought of going to the eight-bridge so large market, and not necessarily where to buy, I suddenly a little impatient-I have some reluctant to waste their time looking for a pickle jar such things.

I remembered my last pickle jar, the glass. At that time, I saw a post on the internet to talk about how to make kimchi, see the heart itch not, then I was bent on buying a pickle jar. Search around the market, shops, did not find a pickle jar, only to save the almighty Taobao, but also worry about the jar fragile. Finally, a friend knew that I was looking for a pickle jar all over the place, and said that there was a sale near her house, so I hastened to ask her to buy one for me. But did not make kimchi, because I can not buy green pepper. But the kimchi jar is still useful, is to accept my husband and I brought from the home of a variety of pickled vegetables. In particular homesick, the taste of these dishes is the taste of home.

When the house moved, the Pickle jar was nowhere to be traced. Found this problem, I do not have much melancholy, just like I now think of buying a pickle jar, also no longer years ago enthusiasm. Can not say, I no longer miss the taste of home, otherwise I will not stir fry in the evening when suddenly smell sour chili flavor, can not say, I do not like before the investment, fine life, I still will often change the pattern to meet the different needs of a three-mouth.

I just don't want to spend too much time in the kitchen. I like cooking, I also like the kitchen, I think the kitchen is the place I can completely control, but I still have to remind myself, not indulge in the kitchen, I can do a lot of things.

I don't want to spend too much time on housework. Moved to a new home for some time, I drag every day to wipe the home every day, wipe the place, the collation of the finishing, often a morning unconsciously passed. A few days later, I began to feel flustered, and I found that there was no difference between me and a mother. Later, I changed into a week to clean the house, found that there is no dirty home, but my heart is much easier.

So I need to get out of the kitchen and the housework and spare more time to do other things.

Of all the other things, the most attractive thing for me is to be myself. One of the biggest problems with being in the semi full-time state is that I often lose my sense of being. My core identity is the mother, followed by the wife, I manage a family of food and clothing to live with the line, but often do not see myself. Almost like a stay-at-home mom, I can't show myself through the workplace, proving that my value is confined to the family, which is a tortured thing for a woman with a higher education. Even though I kept persuading myself that keeping the child good was the greatest value. But when the mood arrives, the heart's unwilling heart will erupt hysterically.

I found that if I could not be myself, I would be a wife full of grievances. I will put all the grievances down to the man, I think he turned me into a mother son, feel that he should be responsible for all my today. Such an unreasonable lack of the image of their own resentment, even I hate.

If I can't do it myself, I am also an insulator mother. Although in the relationship with the child, I try to avoid the "sacrifice" such words, but from my girlfriend cautious to children's words you will be able to hear, I am in fact very unwilling. This unwilling heart is like a thorn, stab me once in a while, let me lose love, have no patience to listen, observe the child, also can't establish a link with the child well. However, I do not want to let my children lack of mother's love, I know that this will form a permanent void of dissatisfaction. Only if I do my best, I can love the surging, can let love overflow out, let the child feel.

And the best way I've found it right now is to read. Only reading can draw me out of everyday chores, and let me stand in a higher level than real life and examine myself. So I want to compress the time in the kitchen, compress the time to do housework, and leave more time for reading. This is the channel I can see myself.

Today read a word: You are your time. You are your time. How you allocate your time determines who you become.

Now, in the housework and looking at the children, I finally allocated a small piece of time for myself. Perhaps it was only two hours on the Monday commuter train; maybe it was just a short time at the lunch table; maybe it was just a quarter of an hour after the child was coaxed into the evening; Even so, I was relieved, because I knew that with such a small piece of time, I would not become my dislike, Not become a resentful woman will not become a love of insulators mother.

As for the Pickle jar, I'll look for a special day when I'm particularly relaxed.