Let go of ineffective socializing and improve your overall ability

Abstract: birth and luck are all we can not choose, but "a person's own talent and knowledge must be able to work through the inevitable things." And if you make an effort to be a good person, there will surely be other good people and valuable people willing to offer you help. This "equivalence principle", like market exchange, may be brutal, but it is the essence of networking.

In the summer of the previous year, I accidentally broke my left foot bone in an interview, the American drama "gossipy Girl" for this reason has become my whole summer center. And a friend of Google joked that this American drama boys do not look, because the people inside are actually completely immature, but the American girls will catch up to see. I was laughing at the computer, but the so-called American drama, which describes the most mysterious figure on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, really gives me a very unique perspective.

This perspective is: For many reasons, life is always the only minority food is most people want to make friends, but also for a variety of reasons, most people do not know how those few people in the end is how to see the majority of their behavior. It's like Chuck, Nate, Blair's first clash with Dan, and most of the gossipy Girl are stories from a handful of people, sometimes even often, not most of Dan thinks they understand things.

"Mode of thinking" is our new column, launched every Monday, today we want to recommend the 25th article from Li Yu, picked from its book "Time as Friends" fifth chapter eighth section. This is an article I think is very good, Enjoy "Please put down your invalid social" full text.

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There was a lecture at Peking University, met a student asked me, "Teacher, you say study important, or business network important?" Looking at him a hodgepodge of expression, I first took out the book to write down the question, and then told him that this is a relatively large topic, I will carefully write an article on the internet, and then gave him my blog address. And then he added, "Trust me, the so-called connections, even if they are important, are not as important as they say." What kind of person would you like to be friends with? Let's start with the beginning. Think first, what kind of person would you like to be friends with?

From kindergarten onwards, everyone has some principle of choosing a friend-though not knowing it. In fact, the uneven distribution of resources inevitably leads to some kind of dependency between people.

If you look at it, you can see the fact that children with more toys in kindergartens are more likely to be friends with other children. So, the most toys children friends most? The answer is not affirmative. If you have the opportunity and are willing to spend a little more time talking to the kid with the most toys, you will soon find that in his mind, like all adults, friends are classified as "true friends" and "Friends in general". Let's call the kid with the most toys.

I was curious, patiently waiting for Jack to tell me who his "real friend" was. In the end, he told me, there are only two real friends. One is a boy and the other is a girl. Then I asked him, "Why do you think the boy is your real friend?" Xiao Qiang did not hesitate for a second, told me, "He never robbed my toy, he changed with me." I asked him again, "Well, why do you think that girl is your real friend?"

This time, Xiao Qiang hesitated for a while, after confirming that I would give him a secret, Stuttered said, "She looks good." I gave her all the new toys ... "I laugh." Later he asked, "Does she think you look good?" Xiao Qiang Leng a moment, eyeful of innocence, "do not know ..." and I asked, "Then who is the toy she has in her hand now?" Xiao Qiang suddenly appears very nervous, "not mine." I decided not to ask the little girl what the problem was.

For a variety of reasons, life is always a few people want to make friends. But also for a variety of reasons, most people do not know how the minority understand the behavior of most of them. Just now Xiao Qiang said that his "real friend" never "robbed" his toys, but "changed". Pay attention to these two words.

Here we do not discuss the so-called "scheming". It is true that some people have deep shrewdness, at least deeper than others, they can use ordinary people can't think of, even want to come to also do not to achieve their own goals. Here, we only discuss the most common situations.

All people like and value or even prefer an exchange, "fair exchange".

Little Johnny may not realize that the number of toys he owns makes it very difficult for him to have a "fair exchange" from a probabilistic standpoint, because most children don't have many toys or even toys, so the kids actually don't have the opportunity or the ability to "trade fair" with him.

To him, unfair exchange, equal to "Rob", no one likes to be robbed. And he "change" that boy, let Xiao Qiang feel fair. Xiao Qiang also have their own want but do not have, so, he also went to "change" and not to "Rob," because he did not like to "be robbed"-the latest toys to the girl to play first ...

In a sense, although the vast majority of people do not want to admit, their so-called "friendship" is actually merely "exchange of relations". However, if they do not have enough resources, it is more likely to become a "demand side", do not "fair exchange", eventually become the burden of each other.

At such times, the so-called "friendship" will slowly come to a start. There is a time to go on, but it is more likely that the other side is patiently waiting for the next exchange to achieve "equity". In the movie "Godfather", the coffin shop owner Ameli brother. Bonasera was determined to find Godfather Corleone to vent his anger on him and to seek justice for his daughter, and he was the "recipient". Many years later, the Godfather Corleone finally knocked on the door of the Asian-American brothers in the middle of the night ...

So it can be imagined that people with more resources would prefer, and more likely, to exchange with another person who has the same number of resources or the same quality of resources. Because, in this case, "fair trade" is easier to produce.

In fact, life is littered with examples. Even on campus, the nature of "exchange" is not as obvious as it is, but the same behavior is not uncommon. For example, a recognized wit, and another department in the recognition of another talent will "chance coincidence" to meet and then become "best friend".

As the saying goes, "great minds think alike" may be the cause of their being, so their conversations and any other activities often make them feel very "speculative" with each other. There are too many such examples.

When the 15-Year-old Shen and the age of Liang Jianzhang first met, the two ignorant teenagers will not realize that 17 years later they will jointly create a Chinese Internet industry miracle. In 1982, the first national student computer competition, the two mathematical "prodigy" at the same time award.

Not because they are good, they become excellent. But because they are each very good, can be very close, then the fate of the collision produced brilliant sparks.

On the other hand, these people who are recognized as good, in fact, are often not "low-key", nor "approachable." This is not their intention. They have no intention of angering the people around them who seem to be "mediocre", but they have this experience-"communication with these people, communication costs too much ..." unless one day, these people finally realize that they should protect themselves, because some misunderstandings have no chance to explain. So, they began to "humble", they learn to "low-key", they appear "approachable."

Many years ago, I noticed a phenomenon, when people turn to me, my heart is often very inconsistent, but also afraid of others say I am so-called "not enough people", and then bite the bullet to do what they do not like to do. When there was a particular injury, suddenly needle, to understand, the original embarrassment is not from the nature of my "ready to help others" character, but from my own energy is not strong enough, not exuberant to deal with their own things more than sufficient, but also have a lot of time and energy to help others do things.

As a matter of fact, I was Buddha the river. Later, I began to wonder if Lei Feng's leadership was too stupid because he didn't assign enough jobs to his subordinates--something that was very surprising to me that night, because I found myself thinking on my own.

Admitting that you have limited ability is a prerequisite for mental health. From the day I started thinking about Lei Feng's leadership, I struggled to learn how to do what I did. Funny to say, his IQ is limited to the past unexpectedly did not think "to do" is such a highly difficult behavior pattern-

1 admit that they have limited capacity;

2 Not afraid to Lu Ying in front of others;

3 dare not to prove that they are "good people" ...

Second, only good people have effective contacts

So, often only good people have effective connections. And just because these people may have to avoid the "unfair exchange" attempt at any time, they pay more attention to their own quality, know not to cause trouble to others, is a virtue. The saying goes, "many of the things left", is very accurate observation.

And those who are not good often do not know this seemingly simple truth, they are not even aware that their situation can only make themselves a "demand" role, and then turn their every "exchange" into an "unfair exchange", ultimately more likely to make the exchange frustrated-because no one likes the "unfair Exchange"; The loss of each exchange, further causing their own losses, so that their own resources are not reduced, that is, the quality of decline, further make themselves more likely to become a "demand"-a vicious circle, and may not even turn over forever.

Others are too eager to build so-called contacts and to disregard their own situation. For such people, people often use some special words to describe them, "flattery", "flattery", "bullying", even "clans" and so on. Such people, often not they deliberately do not want to. They are only vaguely aware of their own strength is too small, so that they hope to be able to use other forces. And the more small a person, the more his desire to be extremely strong.

The character of such a person is very obvious. One of them is that in daily life they often intentionally or unconsciously refer to the people they look up to in intimate ways, whether they have a personal relationship with the "big man" or not. In the Chinese context, they will only say the name does not say surname: Kai-Fu Lee is not called "Kai-Fu Lee" in their mouth is "open complex"; Robin Li is not called "Li" in their mouth is "Robin", Shen not called "Shen", in their mouth is "South Peng"; Recently, I heard more frightening, more human hair surprised, "Xiao Yu" ( Mr Yu), "Xiao Deng" (Harper), "Big Think" (ideal) ...

On the whole, networking is certainly important. But what is more important to an individual is the resources he has. Some resources are difficult to obtain instantaneously, such as money, status, reputation, especially in the real world where the resources are more dependent on birth and luck. However, some resources can easily start from scratch, such as a person's talent and knowledge. Talent or knowledge is something that can be acquired through hard work.

Once a person's mental abilities are open, they will find themselves in a world where information is readily available, as long as they are working properly and have the patience and time to be friends, and are easily experts in at least one field. Effort is not as hard as it is legendary, but "at least six hours a day at work," and patience is far greater than most people think, "to be with time for at least five years, and 20 years in length."

Many years later, I found another thing that I could not have thought of, or thought of, that I could not have known or imagined many years ago (I still have an average IQ, just a little more wisdom): When a person is surrounded by good people, no one asks him for help. Because these excellent people are almost invariably ashamed to delay others ' time, and these people happen to be considered excellent because they have problems to solve the problem.

If, finally, one day, you become an expert in some field, you will be pleasantly surprised at the real value of the so-called efficient network can actually break into the door. The people you meet will come from completely different levels, from a variety of unexpected different directions. And you are no longer the man you used to be, you are no longer a "claimant", you play a "ready to help" role-few people hate the help of kindness, not to mention that you were asked to help.

Even you will get unexpected help. If you are a good person, valuable person, then there will be a lot of other good people, valuable for you to provide help. At such times, such help is often "selfless". Just as no doctor has been able to save lives just because the remuneration is too little and angry, the same quality to a certain extent, the state of the open-minded to a certain level of people, often really can do "the grace of the newspaper."

For them, having the opportunity to "validate their own ideas" is more important than anything and can make them happy. However, the real interesting phenomenon is that you are being helped by the fact that you are not an ordinary one, so you must know the "dripping of grace, when the spring phase" of the truth. Ultimately happy, only because the "communication costs close to 0", at the same time the effect is naturally "exchange of income relatively infinite amplification." Virtuous Circle.

Third, to build their own, is tantamount to building contacts

The wisdom of life is to focus on changing the things that can be changed, and ignore those that cannot be changed temporarily. Concentrate on building yourself, making yourself a good person, a useful person, an independent person, more important than anything else. To build yourself is to make connections-if connections are really as important as they say. As a matter of fact, I always feel that the legend of the success of the network is actually very unreal, but the unknown person has to create the illusion.

I'm not saying that I don't care about anyone around me anymore, or that I don't have to deal with anybody anymore. Being good at interacting with people is also a skill that needs to be learned and time-consuming to practice. I just want to remind you not to overestimate yourself by thinking that you have enough time to properly handle your relationship with everyone around you.

Look at the names in your phone address book, how many have not been contacted for a long time? After all these years, I've only seen two or three people say, "no contact for the longest time, not more than two weeks." "One of them is particularly stubborn and special, with 22 names in his cell phone address book."

Bi once mentioned one of her own: ... I studied psychology course purely by accident. Friend xx broke the lumbar spine bone, played plaster pants, paralyzed lying in the bed in March. I wrote a line on my wall calendar: "Give XX a call every week." "I was a doctor, knowing that the bedridden patient was very lonely and wanted to lie down and chat." Then I follow the calendar on the tips, every week to this person to call, there is not a sentence to chat. Although I am very busy, I will wear more time to make her happy. Later on, she casually said that Lin Mengping, a professor of psychology at the Chinese University of Hong Kong, normal students ... I asked, "Can I learn from her?" said the friend, not knowing. Then I thanked the friend and said, "I can learn psychology, thanks to your broken waist."

In fact, the real concern ultimately has only one manifestation: the willingness to spend time, even "wasting" time. This is also easy to understand. Because, when you spend time on a person, it is the equivalent of a section of your life on him-which is the end result, anyway, that person is a part of your life, whether you like it or not. Everyone's time is limited. So in the end, "really good friends" who have only a few and their own.

It's really a topic that can be written in two books. Here are a few of my simple, but not so easy suggestions to practice:

1, concentrate on doing can improve their own things;

2, learn and have more and better skills;

3, become a person worthy of intercourse;

4, learn to be alone, to not create trouble for others as a virtue, with your independence to win respect;

5, unless there are special reasons, should try to avoid those who even in material life can not be immune to the people;

6, those who can not be alone in the spiritual life, it should be avoided-although the screening is more difficult;

7, really care about a friend means that you would rather spend even more time on him;

Remember that the degree of happiness of a person often depends on how much he can be detached from the external world. Remember, a marketing person's achievements, often lies in his personal ability and the width of the network; want to improve personal ability, must learn, and the elite crowd together.