Why we married

Why are we married because we love each other?

Because at the age of getting married?

Because all aspects look very good?

Because of family stress? Or unexpected pregnancy?

Is it because of loneliness that we need to find a companion?

Many of my friends know each other. A girlfriend told me after divorce that she was not discouraged by her ex-husband, but by the marriage itself. I asked why, she said that because life is different from the marriage she imagined, and she felt that no matter which man she imagined, the marriage she imagined could be created. I asked again: Did you tell your ex-husband about your ideal marriage? She said that he had just started to laugh at the beginning, and she could not talk about it later. I continue to ask: What is your ideal marriage like? She was silent for a moment: that is, two people ...... Have a good time. I will continue to ask her. Finally, she said: There are several rooms in the house. Two people can have an independent space to do different things. On weekends, they have to have two people's activities to play in the suburbs, the requirement for a man is that he can share some housework, pay attention to hygiene, and be willing to participate in cleaning.

Her requirements are not limited at all. However, her ex-husband does not want to cooperate with her. He likes to sleep, watch TV, play games, and not go to the suburbs. He thinks housework is a thing for women, it's okay with her. They fought for these trivial matters for two years and finally broke up. In the beginning, she didn't love each other. Her ex-husband bought her jewelry and new clothes. She never gave them away when she came out for a party, she also remembers to bring him back when she eats a good meal. She remembers to give her a greeting by phone every month. There is no money between them, that is, what she wants. He can't give it to him. She gives it to him. He also thinks there is nothing, because he has paid the same thing and is fine with her, shouldn't she be nice to him?

After talking to me, she said, "I have never told anyone about the ideal marriage. I don't think I can force or force it. However, if your ideal is just a good personal secret in your heart, how can you give the other half a thorough understanding of you and not understand your needs, to accept your needs, how can you have a wonderful life together? We don't get married to say "I love you". We get married because we want to live with another person, create a life, and enjoy happiness together.

Before getting married, we should first ask the other party what your Ideal Marriage looks like. This is necessary. What do you need? What do I need? After we understand the needs of the other party, our imagination of marriage will gradually be put into practice.

Modern People's marriage is not as simple as three meals a night. When we get home after work, we need a comfortable, safe, and warm little world, instead of being picky, shirking, dirty, and lazy, in addition to destroying your marriage, it also destroys your confidence in the marriage. So, I would like to emphasize that we want to live and get married with another person. Together, we want to create a life, enjoy happiness, become the parent of a child, and be healthy and happy together, be strong enough to complete this long life.

We have all acknowledged or are forced to admit that reality is the most important thing. We always have to succumb to reality as a human being. The ideal is just a young and frivolous thing. There is always a gap between ideal and reality, we dare not say that through hard work, the ideal can be realized, and the ideal can be turned into reality. Because we are afraid and afraid that in the face of cruel reality, idealism is just a frivolous joke. Because we are afraid, we are afraid that what we get after repeated efforts will still fail, and we will be farther and farther away from our ideals. However, have you ever thought that marriage is an ideal that we cannot give up, because it is about to accompany your life? For us, there is only one life, and life is always.

We are worried about our studies, our work, our dressing, and our work in location a, or our work in the interests of location B, we have to think about the quality and price of a piece of clothing. However, when we love a person and stay with someone, we often make a decision quickly.

In this case, we can enlighten ourselves: this is a matter of feelings. We can't worry about feelings. We need to have love. The conditions are almost the same. In the future, it will become better. We can buy things that are not available in the house after marriage, something he doesn't have in his mind, which can be cultivated after marriage. This is the first step for you to give up your ideal.

We don't want to face the difference. Our dedication to love is to accept the difference in an all-round way. We feel that this is for love and that this is the sacrifice that should be made in marriage. Actually, it is not. The difference is the reason we become ourselves, not others. Your other half is not good enough. He is just different from you.

Unfortunately, once we start to fall in love, we will regard two people as one person. A beautiful verse like "Change your heart, change my heart, And remember each other deeply" usually comes from the fact that you are thinking hard and thinking of him with tears, and he is sleeping, at the same time, it was cool and drool ...... Can your hearts be exchanged? It's okay to switch.

Our heart is not a USB flash drive, but what is recorded in it cannot be easily read by anyone, even your lover. Do not deny the existence of an ideal. An ideal is the life we want. Why should we be ashamed to admit it? Instead of waiting for the future to get angry and tangle, we should tell him in advance: I want this, this is also the one, I don't like that and that, what I hate most is that, I absolutely cannot accept it, but it is another one. (For convenience, I name all the women mentioned here as flowers. In fact, everyone is flowers .)

My friend Yamanashi, her husband hated her and told him every day: What did a colleague wear today, what did she wear, and what cosmetics a colleague recently uses, so-and-So students added something during the party. First, he doesn't understand the brands at all. Second, he thinks she is too Vanity and trivial. Third, he is hurt by his self-esteem. He thinks she means: how can we afford nothing, why are we so poor? The look of his dislike stimulated her, and she had to say, the more annoying she was. Until the last quarrel. In fact, the idea of Camellia is very simple. She hopes that he can understand that these things are gifts from her husband. She actually wants a gift. Of course, out of vanity, she also wanted some good things, so she mixed them together-she wanted her husband to buy her many good things, preferably something she liked, some big-name things.

She hoped that he could pay attention to her speech and be interested in her words. Then she asked, "Oh, what is that? Is it so good? Do you like it? Can I buy it for you? Shan cha said: even if he doesn't buy it, it's good to just say a word, at least it makes me happy ...... This is a mistake that a woman often makes. We always think that he should understand how simple it is and how difficult it is. But a man just doesn't understand. He must wait for you to tell him: I am a woman, and women like gifts. I will be very happy to give me some gifts, for more information, see the luxury contents of this magazine. The address and price are provided. Note: It is much cheaper to buy in Hong Kong.

Is it ridiculous? But this is the reality. The asymmetry of information received between men and women has been exaggerated. You live on Mars and I live on Venus. What is the earth? Is it a safari? Before you get married, it is a good thing to describe the ideal marriage with your target. It allows you to discover many hidden differences in advance and think about how to solve them in advance.

Let us assume that you have successfully told the other party what the Ideal Marriage looks like. If you have not said anything, you will get into a quarrel and you will not despise the other party's small ideals. Let us assume that you have made your own ideals very clear, so that you will have a few children in the future, and there will be several windows in your room.

You and the ideal marriage in his mind are two different things. Even if you have a very high degree of similarity and the picture is the same, there will also be 3D and similar differences. Don't cry, don't be disappointed, don't get angry, here again remind you are two completely different people. Even if two people describe the same thing, they all say different things. What's more, it's your ideal classroom composition. It is useless to talk about the ideal of life. At least it will let you know in advance that your marriage life will be easy to go wrong in those places.

My classmate Peach Blossom, even our friends know that her greatest wish is to walk a few more places while traveling while she is young. She also told her husband with certainty that she would go out to play every year after getting married. Her husband did not promise, but she agreed well. Basically, peach blossom said that he agreed well about all things after he got married. If she asked him what he wanted, he said, "Listen to you. Sweet. You heard the other half say that, right? Actually? As a matter of fact, this is a perfunctory process. It is a perfunctory process without any consideration or commitment before the reality comes. Travel requires money, time, and mood. He doesn't want to think about these things, because it's not his problem. He just wants to make her happy and doesn't want to think about it carefully. He didn't go out for a trip after marriage. He didn't have enough money, but he didn't want to. He told her: I have no idea. I am very tired. I am very busy. I have to work overtime on weekends. They had a lot of quarrels over this matter. At the end of the day, his real thoughts came: My parents were so bitter at home that I was so happy to go out and play?

Peach Blossom said: Can we take them out to play? If they are older, they are better off giving money. But we didn't pay less? In short, this problem was not solved. The only small ideal of Peach Blossom was shattered after marriage. She thought about divorce more than once. She gradually understood her husband's Ideal Marriage: it is best for her wife to follow his arrangement and not to spend any extra money to save the money for her parents. He is fair and both parents give it to him. However, this is definitely not the life that peach blossom wants. Marriage is not just about making money, saving money, saving it to her parents. What she wants is better than that.

Have he been perfunctory about your ideal conversation before marriage? He said impatiently: What do you want so much? Can you understand all these things? Come on, let's listen to you. I'm obedient to everything about my wife. Many men will not dare to express their true thoughts because of their emotional nature. In addition, they have many ideas and think too much, but he will definitely think so after marriage, because those ideas are deeply rooted in his mind.

Peach Blossom's husband's idea should be described as follows: we want to make money. My main goal in the past decade is to make money. The goal of making money is to filial piety, filial Piety is a lot of money, both sides of the parents are. Also, we need to save money. If we have children in the future, we need to spend a lot of money. If we are ill, we also need money. Enjoying life has nothing to do with me. Enjoying life is a waste of money. You women love to waste money. Don't pull me up.

He is not wrong either. From the appearance, he is a simple, tall, considerate man. He can quit smoking and wash dishes every day if he really listens to Peach Blossom, he suffered a little bit from his background, so he looked very much at the money, which is also normal. The problem is that their ideals are not only too far apart, but also incompatible. He never likes her new clothes. He never buys flowers for her. He looks ugly as soon as he hears traveling.

So, you really need to know what his ideal is, and you should not throw your temper to scare his thoughts back. If you really want to marry him, you need to check it first, what is the gap between your ideals? To what extent? If you have different understandings of happiness, at least do not destroy each other. If we say that for him, saving all the money is happiness, then you will no longer be able to see the happiness of the mountains and see the water. Similarly, if you go out for a tour and realize your own ideals, it hurts him to think of your "waste.

Then you need to ask each other how much sacrifice can you make? The peach blossom problem is actually very simple. Her husband only needs to sacrifice a little money and it will take a little time. Apart from her business trip, she has never traveled any place. Their income is not low and the money is not bad, her husband was not that busy, and she couldn't even get out for a weekend. However, he thinks that this is a principle, and the principle cannot be accommodated. If you have another one, you will not be able to save the money.

Terrible? She really didn't know what he thought before she got married. She really thought he would listen to her completely. They are in another situation of marriage. They are deadlocked, that is, the relationship is continuing. Two people are continuing their obligations to their families, but they have nothing to do with happiness. This is nothing for her husband. He is used to such a simple and dull day. Peach Blossom says: in this way, I am not dead, I am crazy. You can say that the peach blossom dream is too high, blame her for not lowering the requirements, you can also sympathize with her, why met such a person. You can also sympathize with the peach blossom husband. He can't see his wife's smiling face, but he is afraid and hard to be happy.

The ideal gap exists at any time and there are more contradictions because of these gaps. Unfortunately, even if we know before marriage how different this person is from us, or will he change? Will marriage change him? Maybe he will be better if I pay more?

......

Another common story is the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Of course, her ideal marriage does not include staying with her mother-in-law. But because of her husband's persistence, she gave up. As a result, she was unable to get along with each other and divorced. They have the same idea about the Ideal Marriage: for houses, for cars, and for raising children in the future, how can we all have a job? How can we survive? There are no special requirements. Both of them are very real and don't pay attention to small sentiment or small atmosphere. They all hope to live a good life and make their careers better over the past few years.

It is reasonable to say that such a consistent goal should be able to form a beautiful small family after marriage. Happiness is at least safe. They did not consider the third person, just saying "stay together", cannot erase the role of her mother-in-law in life. They have lost their freedom from their eating habits to their daily routine, from their consumption habits to their entertainment activities, and even their sexual lives.

These are what you can't think of before marriage. Our ideal description is too vague. We always feel that we cannot have such clear settings in our life. We can see that there are cars, houses, and two parents are dead. This is a joke. This joke is very rough and snoop, but the description is clear. If we can compress our ideal description into a slogan or slogan, it may be more crude and snoop.

To sum up, we know that before marriage, we should talk about your ideal marriage. When talking about the ideal marriage, we should understand the gaps between each other. These differences will directly affect our modification, adjust your own marital ideals. After all, two people can get married. In the future, it is best to take into account the two people's ideals at the same time.

Do you mean that I have to get my ideal. Even if I have sacrificed my present, I will not hesitate to do anything. Is this happiness? Or, for him, I can be sacrificed and ignored. If I see him happy, I will be happy?

Extreme is never happiness. The impulse and fanaticism will erase your reason and hurt yourself. A person who truly loves you cannot afford to give up his beautiful ideas. A person who is not good with you regards his ideal as his own, loses himself, and others will not appreciate it.

The premise is that we are truly loving and sincere to face our future lives. I don't think you will talk to the hair washing master about your ideal marriage. You may say this to your friends or your parents, but you should tell him the best thing to do with the person who really loves you, you are also sure to love him, your future child's father, your lifelong partner, and tell him about your ideal marriage.

As with many things, we know that communication is very important, but it is really difficult to do so. We will think that it is silly for couples to discuss the issue and consider marriage as one thing. It is especially silly. before marriage, we will take all kinds of things after marriage to the desktop first, when we discuss one thing, it's just ......

However, we are very careful about applying masks, and we are tirelessly talking about gossip. We watch TV series for an hour. We eat, chat, and shop for hair, and spend a lot of time and energy. We would rather do this than discuss marital issues before marriage. We would not like to talk with the other half about foreseeable troubles and differences and try to solve them in advance. It's just because we are afraid of conflicts, we are afraid to discover problems, we are afraid that we will have a quarrel with the former, and sometimes we know who he is, we still expect to see his change after marriage. We hope that we will keep our life on track when we get married, and we 'd better move on to our ideal marriage track.

This is really impossible. A lot of marriages only make us pay the price to understand and understand a person and what we really want. We must wait until all our fantasies are shattered and all conflicts break out before we know that the previous decision was wrong. It may be very beautiful. You have loved it, and you have made great efforts to eat, drink, and play. However, you have not considered any issues and have different opinions on any specific things. Wrong is wrong, love is not wrong, but in the name of love, barely stick to the hopeless relationship, it is wrong.

Let's talk about what your ideal for marriage is. The more detailed the better. In fact, when you meet the person you want to marry, your ideal will be closer to reality step by step, until it is integrated.

At this time, you will use a few words, just like the friend who wrote at the beginning: two people have a good time together. It's not that simple. You need to elaborate on the ideal process of marriage. In fact, it is also a process that you understand what you really need. This is not just a sentence or two.

Many people do not know themselves, but are not good at describing one thing and figuring out their own ideas. You need to give yourself some time and tell yourself that this is what you should do, it is more important than beauty and weight loss. Of course, we can get married in a confused way. We can also put all our ideals on men. Maybe we can live a happy life when we meet a good man. However, which of the many men on the street will come and present your ideal hands? Even if there is such a person who regards love you as his highest ideal, who should compensate him for his own ideal? Therefore, you should sit down and pour a cup of tea to have a good chat with yourself and listen to your voice. In fact, you have never been far away from the ideal of marriage.

The foundation of Ideal Marriage: What kind of love are you going to get and give. I think that the love of marriage should first be independent of each other and respect each other's independence. At the same time, we can open our hearts openly. Afterwards, we will be talking, understanding, trust, pity, and inclusiveness, comfort ...... Love is not a brute-force destruction. In the name of "I am always good for you", I broke into the other party's world and burst into tears.

We love each other, so we enter into marriage, but we are always two independent people, and no one can replace who lives. One of the weaknesses we inherit from our parent generation is that, because of love, we confuse ourselves with our children, and we unconsciously assume the roles of our parents and children. I love you. I have done a lot for you, so you have to listen to me. I love you, I am right, so you have to obey me.

I love you, you resist me, it hurts me, it does not love me. Such a mentality is a precursor to the destruction of happiness. Whether it is your own independence or forcing the other party to give up independence, it will make the road to marriage become thorny, you will be confused, very hurt, very angry, because you are all for love, but I do not know the true love. It is to grow and mature together, not to arrange everything as you demand.

You see, we are two independent people. Isn't that a simple task? But why is this the first thing that makes us confused? Because we know that after marriage, the two of us will depend on each other to finish the rest of our lives. Therefore, we turn love into rules to restrain each other and destroy his independence, they also become vulnerable and dependent. Not independent love is a rope, tied up two people, sink back to back, forget the original direction.

Often, when we describe the ideal of marriage, we may unconsciously write it as: what I want ...... Think about what I can give. In the process of giving and obtaining, we truly feel the taste of happiness. You can start to write: What kind of love do I want, how do I need a person to love me? I will be very happy if I have done those things, he will get angry when he does it, and even turn his face when he mentions it. Similarly, what can I give to each other? How can I love a person? Is this person happy in my love? He doesn't really like those things, but because I have been enduring them? Clearly write down your "Needs" and "give", and remind yourself at any time in your mind that you have laid a foundation for your own marriage ideals, and then created beautiful buildings, without a foundation, it will crash instantly.

Ideal Marriage structure: different attitudes and concepts can coexist. Coexistence is not a denial. We must keep this in mind. In family life, the Western wind is not the east wind, but the West Wind is overwhelmed by the east wind. Such a rule is suitable for the feudal society. When everyone is together, the competition for power is regarded as the center of work and life. While we live in the modern society, work is our focus. If we want to be strong in our marriage, we also need to constantly strive for a favorable side for ourselves, so that the other party can continue to give up until they give up, you will find that this marriage cannot create a happy person, and your original happiness with him will also be consumed clean.

Coexistence requires limits. You must know that nothing can be forgiven even if you only do it once. You cannot suppress your dissatisfaction. You cannot exchange your patience for peace. Otherwise, your limits will become a threshold that can be crossed by anyone. Without the principles and views of love, although people will feel sweet, but the result of indulgence is getting worse and worse.

Selfish in marriage is terrible, because you only focus on your own needs and ignore the other half. You regard the other half as a person who can sacrifice all principles to love you, as a result, you can be arrogant and do whatever you want without limits. Such a relationship may cause problems sooner or later. Based on our own limits, we will find that getting along with each other is actually a wonderful thing. We can be tolerant and take good care of each other's minor faults. We will find ourselves very generous, and we love each other, we can pay more.