Select your marriage with caution

Why are we married because we love each other? Because at the age of getting married? Because all aspects look very good? Because of family stress? Or unexpected pregnancy? Is it because of loneliness that we need to find a companion?
Many of my friends know each other. A girlfriend told me after divorce that she was not discouraged by her ex-husband, but by the marriage itself. I asked why, she said that because life is different from the marriage she imagined, and she felt that no matter which man she imagined, the marriage she imagined could be created. I asked again: Did you tell your ex-husband about your ideal marriage?
She said that he had just started to laugh at the beginning, and she could not talk about it later. I continue to ask: What is your ideal marriage like?
She was silent for a moment: that is, two people ...... Have a good time.
I will continue to ask her. Finally, she said: There are several rooms in the house. Two people can have an independent space to do different things. On weekends, they have to have two people's activities to play in the suburbs, the requirement for a man is that he can share some housework, pay attention to hygiene, and be willing to participate in cleaning.
Her requirements are not limited at all. However, her ex-husband does not want to cooperate with her. He likes to sleep, watch TV, play games, and not go to the suburbs. He thinks housework is a thing for women, it's okay with her.
They fought for these trivial matters for two years and finally broke up. In the beginning, she didn't love each other. Her ex-husband bought her jewelry and new clothes. She never gave them away when she came out for a party, she also remembers to bring him back when she eats a good meal. She remembers to give her a greeting by phone every month.
There is no money between them, that is, what she wants. He can't give it to him. She gives it to him. He also thinks there is nothing, because he has paid the same thing and is fine with her, shouldn't she be nice to him?
After talking to me, she said, "I have never told anyone about the ideal marriage. I don't think I can force it or force it.
However, if your ideal is just a good personal secret in your heart, how can you give the other half a thorough understanding of you and not understand your needs, to accept your needs, how can you have a wonderful life together?
We don't get married to say "I love you". We get married because we want to live with another person, create a life, and enjoy happiness together.
Before getting married, we should first ask the other party what your Ideal Marriage looks like. This is necessary.
What do you need? What do I need? After we understand the needs of the other party, our imagination of marriage will gradually be put into practice.
Modern People's marriage is not as simple as three meals a night. When we get home after work, we need a comfortable, safe, and warm little world, instead of being picky, shirking, dirty, and lazy, in addition to destroying your marriage, it also destroys your confidence in the marriage.
So, I would like to emphasize that we want to live and get married with another person. Together, we want to create a life, enjoy happiness, become the parent of a child, and be healthy and happy together, be strong enough to complete this long life.
We have all acknowledged or are forced to admit that reality is the most important thing. We always have to succumb to reality as a human being. The ideal is just a young and frivolous thing. There is always a gap between ideal and reality, we dare not say that through hard work, the ideal can be realized, and the ideal can be turned into reality.
Because we are afraid and afraid that in the face of cruel reality, idealism is just a frivolous joke.
Because we are afraid, we are afraid that what we get after repeated efforts will still fail, and we will be farther and farther away from our ideals.
However, have you ever thought that marriage is an ideal that we cannot give up, because it is about to accompany your life? For us, there is only one life, and life is always.
We are worried about our studies, our work, our dressing, and our work in location A, or our work in the interests of location B, we have to think about the quality and price of a piece of clothing. However, when we love a person and stay with someone, we often make a decision quickly.
In this case, we can enlighten ourselves: this is a matter of feelings. We can't worry about feelings. We need to have love. The conditions are almost the same. In the future, it will become better. We can buy things that are not available in the house after marriage, something he doesn't have in his mind, which can be cultivated after marriage.
This is the first step for you to give up your ideal.
We don't want to face the difference. Our dedication to love is to accept the difference in an all-round way. We feel that this is for love and that this is the sacrifice that should be made in marriage.
Actually, it is not.
The difference is the reason we become ourselves, not others. Your other half is not good enough. He is just different from you.
Unfortunately, once we start to fall in love, we will regard two people as one person. A beautiful verse like "Change your heart, change my heart, And remember each other deeply" usually comes from the fact that you are thinking hard and thinking of him with tears, and he is sleeping, at the same time, it was cool and drool ...... Can your hearts be exchanged? It's okay to switch.
Our heart is not a USB flash drive, but what is recorded in it cannot be easily read by anyone, even your lover.
Do not deny the existence of an ideal. An ideal is the life we want. Why should we be ashamed to admit it?
Instead of waiting for the future to get angry and tangle, we should tell him in advance: I want this, this is also the one, I don't like that and that, what I hate most is that, I absolutely cannot accept it, but it is another one.
(For convenience, I name all the women mentioned here as flowers. In fact, everyone is flowers .)
My friend Yamanashi, her husband hated her and told him every day: What did a colleague wear today, what did she wear, and what cosmetics a colleague recently uses, so-and-So students added something during the party.
First, he doesn't understand the brands at all. Second, he thinks she is too Vanity and trivial. Third, he is hurt by his self-esteem. He thinks she means: how can we afford nothing, why are we so poor?
The look of his dislike stimulated her, and she had to say, the more annoying she was. Until the last quarrel.
In fact, the idea of Camellia is very simple. She hopes that he can understand that these things are gifts from her husband. She actually wants a gift. Of course, out of vanity, she also wanted some good things, so she mixed them together-she wanted her husband to buy her many good things, preferably something she liked, some big-name things.
She hoped that he could pay attention to her speech and be interested in her words. Then she asked, "Oh, what is that? Is it so good? Do you like it? Can I buy it for you?
Shan cha said: even if he doesn't buy it, it's good to just say a word, at least it makes me happy ......
This is a mistake that a woman often makes. We always think that he should understand how simple it is and how difficult it is.
But a man just doesn't understand. He must wait for you to tell him: I am a woman, and women like gifts. I will be very happy to give me some gifts, for more information, see the luxury contents of this magazine. The address and price are provided. Note: It is much cheaper to buy in Hong Kong.
Is it ridiculous? But this is the reality. The asymmetry of information received between men and women has been exaggerated. You live on Mars and I live on Venus. What is the earth? Is it a safari?
Before you get married, it is a good thing to describe the ideal marriage with your target. It allows you to discover many hidden differences in advance and think about how to solve them in advance.

The second question: what is the gap between your ideal marriage?
Let us assume that you have successfully told the other party what the Ideal Marriage looks like. If you have not said anything, you will get into a quarrel and you will not despise the other party's small ideals. Let us assume that you have made your own ideals very clear, so that you will have several houses and several windows in your children's room in the future.
You and the ideal marriage in his mind are two different things. Even if you have a very high degree of similarity and the picture is the same, there will also be 3D and similar differences.
Don't cry, don't be disappointed, don't get angry, here again remind you are two completely different people. Even if two people describe the same thing, they all say different things. What's more, it's your ideal classroom composition.
It is useless to talk about the ideal of life. At least it will let you know in advance that your marriage life will be easy to go wrong in those places.
My classmate Peach Blossom, even our friends know that her greatest wish is to walk a few more places while traveling while she is young. She also told her husband with certainty that she would go out to play every year after getting married.
Her husband did not promise, but she agreed well. Basically, peach blossom said that he agreed well about all things after he got married. If she asked him what he wanted, he said, "Listen to you.
Sweet. You heard the other half say that, right? Actually?
As a matter of fact, this is a perfunctory process. It is a perfunctory process without any consideration or commitment before the reality comes. Travel requires money, time, and mood. He doesn't want to think about these things, because it's not his problem. He just wants to make her happy and doesn't want to think about it carefully.
He didn't go out for a trip after marriage. He didn't have enough money, but he didn't want to. He told her: I have no idea. I am very tired. I am very busy. I have to work overtime on weekends.
They had a lot of quarrels over this matter. At the end of the day, his real thoughts came: My parents were so bitter at home that I was so happy to go out and play?
Peach Blossom said: Can we take them out to play?
If they are older, they are better off giving money.
But we didn't pay less?
In short, this problem was not solved. The only small ideal of Peach Blossom was shattered after marriage. She thought about divorce more than once. She gradually understood her husband's Ideal Marriage: it is best for her wife to follow his arrangement and not to spend any extra money to save the money for her parents. He is fair and both parents give it to him.
However, this is definitely not the life that peach blossom wants. Marriage is not just about making money, saving money, saving it to her parents. What she wants is better than that.
Have he been perfunctory about your ideal conversation before marriage? He said impatiently: What do you want so much? Can you understand all these things? Come on, let's listen to you. I'm obedient to everything about my wife.
Many men will not dare to express their true thoughts because of their emotional nature. In addition, they have many ideas and think too much, but he will definitely think so after marriage, because those ideas are deeply rooted in his mind.
Peach Blossom's husband's idea should be described as follows: we want to make money. My main goal in the past decade is to make money. The goal of making money is to filial piety, filial Piety is a lot of money, both sides of the parents are. Also, we need to save money. If we have children in the future, we need to spend a lot of money. If we are ill, we also need money. Enjoying life has nothing to do with me. Enjoying life is a waste of money. You women love to waste money. Don't pull me up.
He is not wrong either. From the appearance, he is a simple, tall, considerate man. He can quit smoking and wash dishes every day if he really listens to Peach Blossom, he suffered a little bit from his background, so he looked very much at the money, which is also normal.
The problem is that their ideals are not only too far apart, but also incompatible. He never likes her new clothes. He never buys flowers for her. He looks ugly as soon as he hears traveling.
So, you really need to know what his ideal is, and you should not throw your temper to scare his thoughts back. If you really want to marry him, you need to check it first, what is the gap between your ideals? To what extent?
If you have different understandings of happiness, at least do not destroy each other. If we say that for him, saving all the money is happiness, then you will no longer be able to see the happiness of the mountains and see the water. Similarly, if you go out for a tour and realize your own ideals, it hurts him to think of your "waste.
Then you need to ask each other how much sacrifice can you make?
The peach blossom problem is actually very simple. Her husband only needs to sacrifice a little money and it will take a little time. Apart from her business trip, she has never traveled any place. Their income is not low and the money is not bad, her husband was not that busy, and she couldn't even get out for a weekend.
However, he thinks that this is a principle, and the principle cannot be accommodated. If you have another one, you will not be able to save the money.
Terrible? She really didn't know what he thought before she got married. She really thought he would listen to her completely.
They are in another situation of marriage. They are deadlocked, that is, the relationship is continuing. Two people are continuing their obligations to their families, but they have nothing to do with happiness.
This is nothing for her husband. He is used to such a simple and dull day. Peach Blossom says: in this way, I am not dead, I am crazy.
You can say that the peach blossom dream is too high, blame her for not lowering the requirements, you can also sympathize with her, why met such a person. You can also sympathize with the peach blossom husband. He can't see his wife's smiling face, but he is afraid and hard to be happy.
The ideal gap exists at any time and there are more contradictions because of these gaps. Unfortunately, even if we know before marriage how different this person is from us, or will he change? Will marriage change him? Maybe he will be better if I pay more?
......
Another common story is the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Of course, her ideal marriage does not include staying with her mother-in-law. But because of her husband's persistence, she gave up. As a result, she was unable to get along with each other and divorced.
They have the same idea about the Ideal Marriage: for houses, for cars, and for raising children in the future, how can we all have a job? How can we survive? There are no special requirements. Both of them are very real and don't pay attention to small sentiment or small atmosphere. They all hope to live a good life and make their careers better over the past few years.
It is reasonable to say that such a consistent goal should be able to form a beautiful small family after marriage. Happiness is at least safe.
They did not consider the third person, just saying "stay together", cannot erase the role of her mother-in-law in life. They have lost their freedom from their eating habits to their daily routine, from their consumption habits to their entertainment activities, and even their sexual lives.
These are what you can't think of before marriage. Our ideal description is too vague. We always feel that we cannot have such clear settings in our life. We can see that there are cars, houses, and two parents are dead. This is a joke.
This joke is very rough and snoop, but the description is clear. If we can compress our ideal description into a slogan or slogan, it may be more crude and snoop.
Her mother-in-law is not a bad guy. She said so when she divorced herself. She just thought she was doing well for her children.
Wen Zhu said that he was crushed by trivial matters. He wanted to treat the old man well, and his mother-in-law was also very sad. He felt that divorce was all his own fault and should not have been with his son. The son said to Wenzhu: I have no ability to make you better. You can find a better one in the future.
What is worse than this? We are good people, and we even understand the difficulties of each other. However, we simply cannot live together, especially in a marriage relationship.

Third question: how to describe your ideal marriage
To sum up, we know that before marriage, we should talk about your ideal marriage. When talking about the ideal marriage, we should understand the gaps between each other. These differences will directly affect our modification, adjust your own marital ideals. After all, two people can get married. In the future, it is best to take into account the two people's ideals at the same time.
Do you mean that I have to get my ideal. Even if I have sacrificed my present, I will not hesitate to do anything. Is this happiness? Or, for him, I can be sacrificed and ignored. If I see him happy, I will be happy?
Extreme is never happiness. The impulse and fanaticism will erase your reason and hurt yourself. A person who truly loves you cannot afford to give up his beautiful ideas. A person who is not good with you regards his ideal as his own, loses himself, and others will not appreciate it.
The premise is that we are truly loving and sincere to face our future lives. I don't think you will talk to the hair washing master about your ideal marriage. You may say this to your friends or your parents, but you should tell him the best thing to do with the person who really loves you, you are also sure to love him, your future child's father, your lifelong partner, and tell him about your ideal marriage.
Many of the Post's JM said that communication is very important. Like many things, we know it is very important, but it is really difficult to do it.
We will think that it is silly for couples to discuss the issue and consider marriage as one thing. It is especially silly. before marriage, we will take all kinds of things after marriage to the desktop first, when we discuss one thing, it's just ......
However, we are very careful about applying masks, and we are tirelessly talking about gossip. We watch TV series for an hour. We eat, chat, and shop for hair, and spend a lot of time and energy.
We would rather do this than discuss marital issues before marriage. We would not like to talk with the other half about foreseeable troubles and differences and try to solve them in advance.
It's just because we are afraid of conflicts, we are afraid to discover problems, we are afraid that we will have a quarrel with the former, and sometimes we know who he is, we still expect to see his change after marriage. We hope that we will keep our life on track when we get married, and we 'd better move on to our ideal marriage track.
This is really impossible. A lot of marriages only make us pay the price to understand and understand a person and what we really want. We must wait until all our fantasies are shattered and all conflicts break out before we know that the previous decision was wrong. It may be very beautiful. You have loved it, and you have made great efforts to eat, drink, and play. However, you have not considered any issues and have different opinions on any specific things. Wrong is wrong, love is not wrong, but in the name of love, barely stick to the hopeless relationship, it is wrong.
Let's talk about what your ideal for marriage is. The more detailed the better. In fact, when you meet the person you want to marry, your ideal will be closer to reality step by step, until it is integrated.
At this time, you will use a few words, just like the friend who wrote at the beginning: two people have a good time together.
It's not that simple. You need to elaborate on the ideal process of marriage. In fact, it is also a process that you understand what you really need. This is not just a sentence or two.
Many people do not know themselves, but are not good at describing one thing and figuring out their own ideas. You need to give yourself some time and tell yourself that this is what you should do, it is more important than beauty and weight loss.
Of course, we can get married in a confused way. We can also put all our ideals on men. Maybe we can live a happy life when we meet a good man. However, which of the many men on the street will come and present your ideal hands? Even if there is such a person who regards love you as his highest ideal, who should compensate him for his own ideal?
Therefore, you should sit down and pour a cup of tea to have a good chat with yourself and listen to your voice. In fact, you have never been far away from the ideal of marriage.
The foundation of Ideal Marriage: What kind of love are you going to get and give.
I think that the love of marriage should first be independent of each other and respect each other's independence. At the same time, we can open our hearts openly. Afterwards, we will be talking, understanding, trust, pity, and inclusiveness, comfort ......
Love is not a brute-force destruction. In the name of "I am always good for you", I broke into the other party's world and burst into tears.
For example, Ms. Sunflower, who inherited her mother's tradition, liked to take control of everything, and liked to make decisions without asking the other party in advance. her other half had always accepted it with silence, and one day it suddenly broke out, because she was always waiting for him to take a rest, his parents said it was not enough. He usually chooses to automatically filter his ears. When he goes to bed, he will not be able to hear it, but she once again shook him up with annoyance, she thinks this is a civilized and effective communication between husband and wife. She was overwhelmed by the explosion of a man, and then she began to fight back ten times as much as she did for him. "Can't you say anything to me ?", She burst into tears, filled with a sense of failure.
Ms. Rose, her boyfriend, is very enterprising. She spends a lot of time on work and study every day. She is despised for her entertaining and relaxing suggestions, at the same time, he also asked her to take a driver's license, take qualification training, and take a foreign language class. He had a sense of crisis and felt that life must flourish. After the qualification exam, Rose got obsessive-compulsive disorder. She was always afraid of forgetting her schedule. She was afraid that the phone would suddenly ring. He shouted over there: Have you gone to class, don't waste your tuition!
We love each other, so we enter into marriage, but we are always two independent people, and no one can replace who lives. One of the weaknesses we inherit from our first generation of parents is that because of love, we confuse ourselves with our children. We unconsciously assume the roles of our parents and children. I love you. I have done a lot for you, so you have to listen to me. I love you, I am right, so you have to obey me.
I love you, you resist me, it hurts me, it does not love me.
Such a mentality is a precursor to the destruction of happiness. Whether it is your own independence or forcing the other party to give up independence, it will make the road to marriage become thorny, you will be confused, very hurt, very angry, because you are all for love, but I do not know the true love. It is to grow and mature together, not to arrange everything as you demand.
Ms. Sunflower's marriage continues. What she learns is: Don't disturb him before going to bed. At that time, he had a bad temper. She started a forum at the dinner table, her daily feelings, there will always be an audience, no matter whether he listens or not. She often told us: My family is so stuffy and doesn't like to talk.
She doesn't know. Mr. XX is the best debater in college. He is always the one who tells jokes and makes everyone laugh.
He gave her the right to speak, and he was willing to play a silent person in exchange for peace. He does not like such communication, but she never thought of other ways. When he has something to say, she always interrupts him and gets to other places.
Before marriage, he thought she was very lively and cute. It was a girl's innocence. After marriage, he got bored and looked for his life. It was boring to accept the marriage.
Similar to many women, ms. Sunflower does not understand or accept who a man is. She has always been willing to create a "sunflower husband". She threw him into a model, use a force to remove all the different places.
Ms. Rose left her boyfriend. She believed that she was totally right. His life would be more perfect because of this extraordinary effort, but she was satisfied with a stable job, like other women, you can share a love affair when you go shopping, eat, and watch movies. Her ex-boyfriend was very puzzled. He said angrily: What should I do after this. It cannot be said that he does not love her. In the end, he still cares about her future. He is a person who fears that he is "not good enough, so we need to make our other half better and better like ourselves. Otherwise, this love will be lost and there will be no value in this life.
You see, we are two independent people. Isn't that a simple task? But why is this the first thing that makes us confused?
Because we know that after marriage, the two of us will depend on each other to finish the rest of our lives. Therefore, we turn love into rules to restrain each other and destroy his independence, they also become vulnerable and dependent. Not independent love is a rope, tied up two people, sink back to back, forget the original direction.
Often, when we describe the ideal of marriage, we may unconsciously write it as: what I want ...... Think about what I can give.
In the process of giving and obtaining, we truly feel the taste of happiness.
You can start to write: What kind of love do I want, how do I need a person to love me? I will be very happy if I have done those things, he will get angry when he does it, and even turn his face when he mentions it.
Similarly, what can I give to each other? How can I love a person? Is this person happy in my love? He doesn't really like those things, but because I have been enduring them?
Clearly write down your "Needs" and "give", and remind yourself at any time in your mind that you have laid a foundation for your own marriage ideals, and then created beautiful buildings, without a foundation, it will crash instantly.

Ideal Marriage structure: different attitudes and concepts can coexist
Coexistence is not a denial. We must keep this in mind. In family life, the Western wind is not the east wind, but the West Wind is overwhelmed by the east wind. Such a rule is suitable for the feudal society. When everyone is together, the competition for power is regarded as the center of work and life. While we live in the modern society, work is our focus. If we want to be strong in our marriage, we also need to constantly strive for a favorable side for ourselves, so that the other party can continue to give up until they give up, you will find that this marriage cannot create a happy person, and your original happiness with him will also be consumed clean.
Coexistence requires limits. You must know that nothing can be forgiven even if you only do it once. You cannot suppress your dissatisfaction. You cannot exchange your patience for peace. Otherwise, your limits will become a threshold that can be crossed by anyone. Feng xinzi is a gentle and virtuous wife. Her husband has a bad habit of getting drunk and talking freely. She gradually does not want to bring her friends together, people don't want to see a good man talking about alcohol and talking nonsense. They don't have to stop messing around with someone. What's even more terrible is that he still needs to drive a car. How can he advise him, in the end, I had to catch him from home and take him home.
She was disgusted with the smell of others, but she had no complaints every night when she picked her husband up, including packing up for him. "Who would like to do this, but we are husband and wife. I don't care who cares about him. Besides, when he wakes up the next day, it will become very good ." Her husband will reward her more gently with guilt.
Gradually this becomes a model: I hate getting drunk-I want to get drunk, because you will forgive me-after waking up, it will be better for me and make up for the dissatisfaction that breaks the limits, feng believes that she had a happy marriage until she received a call in the early morning, her husband drunk driving, was seriously injured.
She is a loving mother who has been indulging him. She has no limits in front of him, and she does not even have a minimum principle. We always think that this is true love. There are also women in domestic violence who repeatedly go back and forth, because the reason is that a man will only whisper at that time and give her enough dignity, so she can carry the swollen scars back to her original life and stick to the next beat.
Without the principles and views of love, although people will feel sweet, but the result of indulgence is getting worse and worse.
　　
Miss Lily loves to instruct her boyfriend, and she treats her call as love. Once she resist her, she cries: You don't love me anymore. Her boyfriend, who had the longest contact with each other, went from underwear washing to pptfiles. She had to pack all for her. She was bored with sending text messages when she had a meeting with her boyfriend, just because she didn't reply to the text message in time, she started to make a fight. My boyfriend yelled at her. She had some housework. She was still busy. The underwear and so she had changed in the corner finally collapsed. "I have spoiled you !"
He had a good life after breaking up with Lily. He said that he hated to wash his underwear at all. What's more annoying is that she treats it as something he should do for her and loves me, you should spoil me and love me. You should not say that I am right or wrong. Otherwise, you don't love me.
Miss Lily insisted on taking this article as the mate selection standard. she decided that she would be her slave to love her. in her life, she was not a good person to get along, I never know what other people's thoughts have to do with her. Self and selfishness are only separated by one line. The difference is that self-centered people do not harm others' territory, while selfish people do not care about others' feelings for their own benefit.
Selfish in marriage is terrible, because you only focus on your own needs and ignore the other half. You regard the other half as a person who can sacrifice all principles to love you, as a result, you can be arrogant and do whatever you want without limits. Such a relationship may cause problems sooner or later.
Based on our own limits, we will find that getting along with each other is actually a wonderful thing. We can be tolerant and take good care of each other's minor faults. We will find ourselves very generous, and we love each other, we can pay more.
After marriage, Ms. tulip found that she and her husband had a very similar routine. She was used to getting up early, and men used to stay up late. They had a quarrel and even had a divorce idea. Finally, she bought another bed. She could go to bed early and get up early in her bedroom to become a hardworking lark. Her husband could also work all night when she was inspired, don't be asked to go to bed. At the same time, she will also run to his bedroom to kiss her husband and ask him to get up and have breakfast, and her husband will accompany her some nights, wait until she goes out to work.
"At first, I had to change him. Staying up late is not healthy. What's wrong when we live a healthy life, he used to write the program. Even if I divide the bed, the bed is not separated. At least I can sleep well and he can be free ." Ms. tulip discovered that her husband was very envious of her colleagues in programmers because she was forced to go to bed by her wife.
"He will know how good it is. Now he gives me breakfast every weekend. Besides, I also have some disadvantages. I love to buy perfume, and I dare to do anything about it. He never told me about it and helped me collect it ." Ms. tulip had a good time. She wouldn't turn into a grievance because she got into bed. Her habits can be adjusted. As long as we decide to live together, as long as we decide, regard happiness as the only goal.

If the concepts are inconsistent, we can agree on a consistent attitude, for example
1. listen to each other's voice, do not interrupt, or criticize;
2. After hearing this, let's think about it and talk about your thoughts;
3. Don't be ironic, scornful, impatient, and bitter ...... To the other half;
4. Do not reject anything that you totally disagree with immediately;
5. If two people have conflicts in principle, we need to discuss what to do;
6. Don't be perfunctory, don't escape problems, don't "Yes, good" to confuse;
7. Don't break up to the point where "you don't love me" and "I want to break up;
Remember what you do not want, do not give to others, and treat each other with a gentle, objective, and frank attitude. First, you must treat each other like this.
Of course, you will say:
He cannot teach well.
He has a problem with the growth environment and cannot change it.
He is not a child and should know how to do it.
I barely agree with him, and I also need to care for myself.
Husband and wife? I don't think it's awkward to teach students by teachers ......
Okay, so you will go further and further on the excuse. You will develop the most common communication mode with the other half, dominated by quarrel, tears, and divorce, you will take the other half as your own venting object, let out all your bad feelings, and then make up and continue, and even make up those days better than ever before.
Gradually, you think that this is the norm of husband and wife life. It is so violent and conflicting. Any specific problem is caused by both sides compromise and both sides are dissatisfied.
Gradually, you have a broken and unrecoverable life. Your child will grow up in such an environment, and his/her subconscious will think that marriage is like this.
Our energy and time spent in our family is really much less than our work. We will spend a lot of time thinking about how to deal with our customers, but we have no choice for the other half.
We will also say this to men:
This is what I do. If you accept me, you accept all of me.
I lost my temper because I showed you the most authentic side.
You are not allowed to listen to me, whether I am right or wrong.
Which one is important to me and your family? You must take me as your priority.
If you dare to quarrel with me, I will break up with you.
......
Women become weak unconsciously in their relationship, because the world has already set our gender as a relatively weak party, so we rely on requests and keep asking each other, these contradictions often make men dizzy and dizzy. They are not good at capturing subtle emotional changes, and they are willing to fight and make changes, it can also lead to headaches for the smartest man.
Your attitude will determine the success or failure of your relationship. This sentence is no exaggeration at all.
He said with ridicule that what he has ever met will always be a long man. Both of her boyfriends are of the same type: their families are very healthy, their personalities are casual, They are cute and fun, and their mothers are waiting for their big boys.
She didn't try to change them, but when she opened her mouth, the other party would be coquetry: Don't bother me, hey, let me play for a while. She will feel soft immediately. If she is ***, the other party will get angry, ignore her, leave, and fight the Cold War. Finally, she will go back and coax them.
At last, she realized that the indecisive attitude would only make this relationship worse. He felt that she was also a woman who needed to be cared for by others. She was so tired that she had to pay for it endlessly and tolerate it.
Ideal Marriage Construction: Emotion Management and time management
A little attention, you will find that there are many people around you who describe themselves like this: I am in a bad temper, speak straight, I am not bad-hearted, you never mind ...... They use this to conceal their character traps, which are extreme, stubborn, impulsive, self-centered, and never think of others. In one sentence, the effect is bidirectional. For example, when you look at others' bodies, you just say what you really feel: How fat? To you is just an indifferent comment. To others, it is likely to be harmful.
This is a gentle example. We should put it in another situation. If your boyfriend described you like this, and you have been losing weight for a week to win his praise, and you are hungry for Venus, will you forgive him for his true nature and truth?
It must be admitted that it is really difficult to control your emotions, and long-term suppression of your emotions will make you more depressed, violent, and anxious. During their growth, many people will observe the two sides behind their parents and predecessors. They are gentle, tolerant, and polite, but go home to their partners and children, it is shouting, ironic, mean, and show no mercy. because the family makes them feel safe, it is necessary for them to suppress the outside and vent their anger on their closest people. How can they all be a family when the door is closed. The number of people who have grown up in this environment cannot help but turn themselves into the same people as their parents.
Intimacy has such a problem. We are willing to expose ourselves as we are close to each other and trust each other, so we have nothing to say. However, if many of the things you do are offensive and harmful, you may be asked to do something as your friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend: be an all-powerful and inclusive person.
This is an excessively demanding requirement. You are saying: Because you love me, you have to endure everything, so you have to pay for me, so you cannot fight back against me, otherwise, you just don't love me.
Is this logic ridiculous and overbearing? However, this is the logic of most people. Most people regard love as a weapon to restrain and punish each other.
Why do we need to prepare for getting married? The biggest difference between getting married and being single is that you want to live with another person. You must first have a good communication mode and have a good tacit understanding, life will be smooth. If you say that love itself is a hormone impulse and cannot talk too much about restraint and management, you must carefully manage and arrange the marriage life that will accompany most people for the rest of their lives.
1. Understand yourself and become rational at critical points.
You will often think about your quarrel like this: It's nothing, and your temper gets out of control as soon as you get up ...... He is not so excited. If you say something bad, just say this. Don't bother me. I want you to look at it ...... I think I'm also angry ...... Sorry ......
However, this situation is still going on. For details, trivial matters, or even a sentence, it will still cause a quarrel. The more damage you accumulate, the more you forget why you fell in love.
There is no mistake in the quarrel itself. In fact, these moments are a process in which you understand each other and test the limits of each other. Everyone will get along with each other and unconsciously strive for a favorable position, it is understandable to fight for control. In addition, every intimate relationship and common life are also the result of constant cooperation and compromise between two people. It is only such a compromise. It is best not to turn into grievance or even resentment.
It is necessary for those who think they have bad temper to set an alarm in your mind. When you are about to erupt, remind you to reduce the temperature and recover to calm. This reminder can be as follows:
I am an adult and want to control my emotions. It's really a bit of a fight, and it's both a loss and a loss. I don't want to do this.
Taking a deep breath, transferring the topic, getting up and pouring a cup of water to yourself will help you save from a situation in which your emotions are out of control, so as to avoid mutual criticism, injury, and damage to your intimacy.
Some people will say that I will show that he will spoil me and will tolerate my willfulness and make no sense. In fact, when you speak truth, he will also be wrong, because you let him get used to the emotional behavior that doesn't care about you, and he gets used to your moody, so it's hard for him to really understand, what are you very serious about? Those are your principles and cannot be violated. (Chuchu street http://www.chuchujie.com)
2. Don't let go of those quarrels
Well, we successfully avoided that quarrel, and we won't mention it any more. After three years of marriage, we encountered the same problem and found that we had to argue for the same problem, and the attitude of the other party had not changed at all. Instead, we did not mention it for such a long time, become More ****. Is this a crashing thing?
Avoiding the critical point of your emotional attack does not avoid problems. In fact, the problems that may cause quarrel are the key to establishing a good communication model. Why do we have to argue? Because your opinions are not consistent, they both feel that the other party is unreasonable. This small problem often represents the greatest difference between you and him. A good communication means to understand the differences between the two sides and seek symbiosis on this basis.
We 'd better have a more objective attitude towards the problem that may make us quarrel. Why do we say male thinking is rough, because they will ignore many small details, he does not think this is a problem. This kind of attitude is often irritating to women. When a woman's mood breaks out, the man will feel unreasonable. In order to be quiet, he is perfunctory, and the next time there will still be the same problem.
Ms. Carnation's boyfriend is the kind of Phoenix male that we all talk about. She was born from a rural area, has excellent academic performance, and has a successful career. His family also had a good time and didn't need to help her too much. The biggest headache Carnation has for him is that he is not a side-by-side person. Before he knew her, he only had two pairs of so, which had been worn with holes and worn out his so, to discard the new ones. He needs to be neatly dressed for work reasons, but the back-collar of his suit often shines brightly. Carnation is not clean, but his habits make her crazy several times.
"I had a quarrel. He didn't listen. He said that I was stupid and I was so anxious that he said that you looked down on the rural people, so I broke up. I told him that the dog jumped into the wall. He said I was nosy ." Carnation cited several colleagues from rural areas as examples. But he cannot be persuaded.
Carnation repeatedly discussed this issue with him many times, from quarrel, joke, to long-spoken preaching. In short, she refused to give up. Finally, her boyfriend found that, if he does not make some effort on health issues, his life will never be better.
At the party, the carnation finally happily took his boyfriend to attend. His clothes and cuffs were white. "I also paid for it. Let's see if I need to wear less high heels, especially when I come out with him ." This is an example of mutual compromise. It is not a perfect outcome, but most male problems end with compromise.
In the face of the difference, you have two options: one is to stick to the end, seeking for a compromise but changing the status quo; the other is to ignore the difference, as acquiesce. Both of these methods can be well handled.
The most terrible thing is that, once and again, the same quarrel is made for the same thing, and the words of the quarrel have not changed. Finally, a female cried, and the man left. After repeating N times, everyone is tired and dying. It is better to break up.
If we cannot change the outcome or the other party, can we at least change our attitude? Your emotions are precious and will directly affect your endocrine and health. Why do you have to fall down and torture yourself in the same place repeatedly? If a quarrel exists for the first time, the same problem cannot be solved by a quarrel for the second time, right?
3. Rules are more required for the small world of two people
After getting along with each other for a period of time, you can record your experiences. For example, what does he dislike most and how do you deal with related things in the future, what do you hate most? Does he know how to deal with it? For example, how do you discuss the problems in the case of family affairs? Those problems are sensitive issues ......
When you write down this diary, you will find that the Basic Regulations of the world of both of you are born.
The ancients said that the principle of self-cultivation, family unity, governance, and the peaceful world begins from you, the people around you, and from here.
The limits of the other party will become an alarm clock for mood management, reminding us not to sting the other party, not to let the other party forget the reason for their emotions.
Here I would like to mention the most basic rule: Do not hurt each other. This should be the most basic rule for two people who love each other.
It is a pity that when we fall in love, we will not only hurt each other, but also ourselves. We often regard this as the norm of love, thinking that conflict, tears, and scolding, these fierce and extreme behaviors are love-loving and strong. Often at the end, love has been worn out in the dark, no longer find the original joy, heart. At this time, the loss can only make two people accept the negative: We are old, do not move, what love, is already family, marriage is the grave of love, we have already entered the grave.
In fact, you don't have. Love is a joy, and we can happily enjoy a healthy love, of course, within the rules.
The rules between Ms Violet and her husband are very detailed, including: Do not betray, do not start, do not lie, share housework, regularly go out to play, have a talk time every week ...... And so on. This piece of paper was set together with the other half during her interactions. At the wedding, the bridesmaid's best man witnessed it and the two men pressed the fingerprint.
Now her daughter is five years old. Violet is going to give her the paper as an adult gift when she grows up. Every mother thought this way. If at first her daughter had taken a straight sunshine path, how nice it would be. Violet also wants to tell her that it is easy to make a promise, and it is the most difficult to keep it. After marriage, Violet once faced the pursuit of a man, his career, income, and various aspects of her husband, and he was her high school classmate, first love. She refused him after a whole day of consideration.
"At the end of the day, I think what my husband will say. He will say: Since he is better and can make you better, let's go. Don't worry about me. But will I have a better time? I think I have a bad time when I leave him ." Violet was proud of her decision. She proved her love and she was very firm. This small world was not destroyed by external temptations.
4. Final Exit of negative emotions
When you learn to recall your anger again and again, tell yourself not to be angry or sad, and lose your rational judgment, you will be uncomfortable and anxious, because your negative emotions have nowhere to go.
Here are several methods recommended by various books and magazines for you to vent your negative emotions:
1) exercise. For example, during aerobics, running, and taekwondo, imagine that you are standing on the opposite side, waiting to be knocked down by you, waiting for you to sweat and take a hot shower, walking out of the gym with wet hair, you are already a person who can smile and see the world;
2) do housework. Negative Emotions can make people have an impulse to abuse themselves. You may wish to make a Cinderella clean up the glass that has not been wiped for many days, or clean up the messy wardrobe, your bad mood will be swept out of your home with useless things. A clean and fresh home environment will make you happy;
3) listen to music and talk to yourself. Close the door of the room and listen to the music with a strong rhythm. Aren't you having a strong quarrel ***? You can start, you will feel much better when you pour out all your words on the wall. Psychology enthusiasts can also consider recording these words for their future analysis to see what mental disorder they have;
4) outing. When you climb the mountains and look at the sea, you will feel that there is no way to worry about all the troubles in front of nature;
5) change your hair style. A new style means you have a new possibility to face yourself. If it is terrible, don't worry about it. You can change to a beautiful short hair;
We 'd better solve the problem in a positive and healthy way, even by venting our negative emotions. Do not destroy yourself with self-destruction, smoking, drinking, overeating, going to bed with others, self-harm, crazy shopping, and other behaviors. These venting will make you regret afterwards.
You need to know that we do these things not only to avoid hurting others, but first to ourselves, to be a person who can control ourselves, so that we can firmly grasp our own health, happy, harmonious interpersonal relationships.
Many people feel aggrieved in their hearts. They always think that I give in to other people to suppress their requirements. How many of these grievances are true? Or do you have to give up when your excessive requirements are not met?
Manage your emotions, do this for yourself, and then be your closest person. Don't take your lover and family members as your anger. Don't rely on their love. You can vent your negative emotions to them at will.
How many people think about breaking up because of "bad personality"? How many others are saying: we are just so proud, so stubborn, and how many others are there, if I love you, I will torture you and hurt my favorite person?
　　
Take good care of your emotions. A calm and sober person can face and solve problems. Your rudeness and willfulness may have hurt the other half without knowing it. When the grievance broke out, everything was too late.