The road of life, Ah, how to walk more and more narrow ...

Editorial comrade:

I am 23 years old, I should say just to life, but all the mysteries and attractions of life no longer exist for me, I seem to have come to the end of it. 　　Looking back on my way, it is a journey from the purple to the gray, a journey from hope to disappointment and despair, a journey of thought that has been the end of a selfless thought. In the past, I was filled with beautiful visions and fantasies of life. In elementary school, I heard people say "how Steel is Tempered" and "Lei Feng's Diary". Although not fully understood, but the heroic deeds also excited me to sleep overnight. I also have Paul about the meaning of life in the paragraph of the famous words: "The life of the people should be so spent: when the memory of the past, he will not because of wasting time and remorse, will not because of mediocrity and shame ..." honorific in the Diary of the first page. The diary ran out, and I copied it on the second one. This passage has given me a lot of encouragement ah. 　　I think, my father, mother, maternal grandfather are all * * * * Party members, I certainly believe in Communism, I will also join in the future, this is no doubt. Then I came across a booklet from the past, "for whom to live, how to behave." I looked and looked, completely fascinated. I began to form my own first, but also the most beautiful view of life: People live, is to make others live better, people live, there should be a lofty belief in the party and the people do not hesitate to give their all. 　　I am intoxicated in a passion for devotion, in the diary of a large paragraph of the large paragraph of the language of light, even deeds imitate the appearance of heroes. However, I often feel a sense of pain, the fact that my eyes see the truth is always with the mind of the education formed a sharp contradiction. Soon after I entered primary school, the wave of the Cultural Revolution began, and then intensified. I have witnessed this phenomenon: speculators, dewford, disregard; the family all day stern, the grandfather carefully prepares to examine, the younger than me the young people all day foul-mouthed, plays the poker, smokes; When my aunt goes to the countryside I go to see off, the people each one masks face to cry, wringing ... I was confused and I began to feel that the world around me was not as seductive as the book I had seen before. I ask myself, is believe in books or the eyes, is to believe in teachers or believe in themselves? I was conflicted. But when I was young, I could not analyze these social phenomena. Moreover, the past education has given me a strange ability, this is to learn to close the eyes, learn to persuade themselves, learn to remember the quotations, hiding in their noble heart. But, later on. The blows of life came to me. That year I graduated from Junior high School and my grandfather died. A harmonious and friendly family suddenly became cold, for the money of the problem of noisy over the sky. My mother in the field refused to send me alimony so that I could not go on to school and become social youth. I really got a bang on the head, God, the relationship between the family is like this, then the social relationship between people will be what? I got a serious illness. DiseaseGood, with the help of a few good classmate's strength, to the subdistrict office letter, got sympathy, was assigned in a small factory collective ownership, began to live on their own. At that time, I still exist on the beauty of the yearning, perhaps the misfortune of the family is only a special situation, I have now embarked on life, life is full of temptation, she waved to me.

But I was disappointed again. 　　I believe that the organization, but I gave the leadership a comment, has become my years can not be the reason for the league ... 　　I turned to friendship, but once I made a little mistake, a good friend of mine, I told her confidences quietly written material reported to the leadership ... I'm looking for love. I know a cadre of children. His father was persecuted by the "Gang of Four" and was in dire condition. I threw my deepest love and deepest sympathy on him, and stroked his wounds with my wounded heart. Some people say that women are the whole pursuit of investment, only in love to gain the support of life. This cannot be said to be unreasonable. Although I was hurt outside, but I have love, love has given me comfort and happiness. 　　Unexpectedly, "Gang of four" after crushing, he turned over, from now on no longer talk to me ... I lay down for two days and two nights without eating or sleeping. I am angry, I am irritable, I am mentally clogged like an explosion. 　　Life Ah, you really exposed the ugly, hideous face, you show me the mystery is this!? In order to find the answer to the meaning of life, I observe people, I consulted the white-haired old man, a fledgling youth, conscientious teacher, lexicon members ... There is not an answer that satisfies me. There are many people who advise me why I have to think, say, Live is alive, many people do not understand it, not so live very well? 　　But I can't, life, meaning, these words, sometimes in my mind writhed, as if in my neck with a rope, forcing me to choose immediately. I turned to the treasure trove of human wisdom-desperately reading, hoping to get comfort and answers, but reading did not make me from the distress of liberation, slowly, I calm, indifferent. The social Darwinism gave me a profound revelation. After all, people are people! No one can escape the law of its own, at the moment of at stake, who chooses according to the instinct of man, without a truly pious obedience to the lofty morals and convictions that hang on Zui tou on weekdays. People are selfish, there can be no selfless noble people. In the past, the propaganda was either hypocritical or vastly exaggerated the facts themselves.

The understanding of life, makes me a double character of the person. On the one hand I condemn this vulgar fact; on the other hand, I drift. Hegel said: "All the reality is reasonable, all reasonable is realistic." "It almost became my motto to soothe and heal the wounds. I am also a person. I am not a noble person, but I am a reasonable person, like all people are reasonable I also earn wages, I also care about bonuses, I also learned to flatter, learned to say lies ... 　　When I was doing this, I was in pain, but I thought of Hegel's words and my heart was calm again. I appreciate the truth that anyone, whether it is survival or creation, is subjective for himself and objectively for others. Just as the sun shines, the first is the inevitable phenomenon of their own survival movement, shining all things, but it is derived from an objective meaning. So I think that as long as everyone is trying to improve the value of self-existence, then the whole human society's forward development has become inevitable.　　This is probably the law of man, and the law of biological evolution--the rule that no arbitrary preaching can be drowned or deceived. Some people say that the times are moving forward, but I can not touch its powerful arms, and some people say there is a broad, great cause, but I do not know where it is. The road of life, Ah, how to go more and more narrow, but I am a person already very tired, it seems as long as a sigh of relief, it means the total destruction. Really, I secretly went to see the Catholic Church Church, I had the idea of shaved, even I thought of death ... 　　The heart is really chaotic, very contradictory. Editor comrade, I wrote this letter to you in a very distressed situation, I disclosed it, not intended to get any prescription from you elixir, if you dare to publish it, I would like to let the national youth see. I believe that the hearts of young people are interlinked, perhaps I can get help from them.

Pan Xiao April 1980 from "Chinese Youth", 5th issue 1980

The road of life, Ah, how to walk more and more narrow ...