When you are making progress and your friends remain unchanged

I just saw a comment from a reader in the article having your own ethics is lonely. He asked the most difficult question on the road to success-what will happen when you are making progress while your friends remain unchanged?

I am looking for some suggestions and guidance, so I found this blog. I felt unhappy four years ago. I have no way out. I decided to seriously reflect on my life and decide to get rid of some bad habits and cultivate some good habits. I also got a part-time job to increase my income and voluntarily chose a relatively poor lifestyle. The situation has developed very well! My economy is getting better. I have the ability to learn what I want. I am healthier and more competent than before. I think I know what God is, and I make progress every day. However, I no longer contact some of my old friends, because I no longer want to do things that I don't want to do with them. They don't care if they are good for themselves. To some extent, frankly speaking, they are no longer useful to me. I prefer to make friends with those I admire and respect. I don't want to tell them what I think they are. They didn't do anything that hurts me, but I don't want to be with them anymore. What do you think of this kind of thing?

Undoubtedly, this is the most difficult problem to solve on the road to success.

Most people do not want to change this state after establishing relationships. However, if you are making rapid development and progress, this will lead to imbalance, alienation from old friends, and split the relationship between friends.

Maybe the worst time is when you are making progress but still unstable. I remember one time, I made a huge health plan. A large number of gym weight loss exercises, complete and healthy diet. But one of my brothers, when we were togetherAlwaysEat junk food. Pizza, chicken wings, hamburger and fried food.

We used to do many things together. You can either go shopping or play game consoles, ask for a bar, or eat at the cheapest small restaurant. We'll order pizza and beer, chicken wings and beer, or hamburger and fried food, just like this.

At that time, most of my friends were very healthy. I often went out to play with athletes, fitness enthusiasts, and fencing runners (I was a fencing enthusiast ). When we are with this special friend, we will find some beer shops and pizza, or play arcade games.

To be honest, I have never really answered this question. I am still playing with him. When he is there, my diet plan will be suspended. In the end, I went to another city where people classified myself in this way. Now we sometimes visit each other. This is not a big problem because good habits have been developed. But when you try to cultivate good habits for the first time, you may be shaken.

I used to like playing poker very much and play well. Many of my friends are my friends. I no longer play cards in a certain period of time (I should take some time to write this story ...).

In short, when I no longer play cards, I lost many card friends. Not specifically, but these friends still play cards in their free time, but I am not. I keep getting invited, but I always disappoint them. Slowly, there is a gap between us. This is how things happen naturally.

I have discussed this issue with many people. Basically, we can draw this conclusion.

1. You have made great progress in some aspects of your life.
2.Very fewWilling to make progress with you. This ratio is approximately less than 1%. Maybe you cannot find one of your friends. If there is one, you are lucky.
3. A small number of others are still very nice to you and admire you. Everything will be as good as before. This type of person is estimated to account for 10-20%.
4. Some people will naturally leave you.
5. The relationship between the rest and you will become awkward.

You may not understand this if you have never experienced such a phase of dramatic improvement in the short term. It sounds frustrating. But when you look at the successful people, you will find that this is what they can't escape. When your friends develop rapidly, you feel complicated.

Of course, not all of them are like this. In rare cases, one or two friends will keep up with you and make progress with you. Some friends will keep a good relationship with you and be loyal to your friendship. But many of your friends will feel uncomfortable when you make progress. It seems that this will hurt their self-esteem. They know that you have the same background and similar personality with them, but you are making progress. They can, but they don't... So, in some way, your progress is an insult to them. This makes them feel uncomfortable and frustrated when they are with you.

This is the case. No matter what you do, no matter how well you do it. If you do the same thing before, they will think you are hypocritical. If you behave differently, they will think that you are out of the group.

This is not the case for everyone. Some friends will still be nice to you and will always be your loyal friends. But many people will.

I know you will be surprised if this kind of thing has never happened to you, but it is indeed a common phenomenon and I have seen many of them, in addition, I have been verified by many successful people.

So what should we do now?

In fact, if you have made some achievements and won a good reputation, your friends will keep an impression of you and will always support you in the future.

You must learn to constantly create such opportunities and treat others well. On the other hand, try to contact different people and see what kind of relationships will eventually be eliminated.

I went around and said, "Give me a request and I will do my best." That's why I met some of my best friends. When you are good at people, 90% of people will not really notice it. 9% of people will report it with reason, but that's all. But the remaining 1% may eventually develop incredible relationships with you, or become colleagues or collaborators.

This 1% makes everything worthwhile... It's worth a lot of friendship and discussion with like-minded people. This is not just about applicability-I mean, it is worth considering at any level.

Therefore, I suggest you help others generously and help others to make them useful.

In this way, it is easier for you to make friends. You can also consider doing some public jobs, just as I am writing this article. I reply to and give feedback to readers, and try to get a good impression from people so that people are willing to contact me. In any case, communication with people without any foundation is even worse. Obviously, it is useful to do more self-introductions, but there is a problem with chicken and eggs. At the same time, you should also consider having some public platforms so that people will shine their eyes when they come into contact with you.

Last thought-I won't condemn such a thing, and I know what you're thinking. But most normal people will have an idea. This sentence: "However, I can no longer contact old friends, because I no longer want to participate in what they do and become one of them, they don't care whether it is good for their own progress. To some extent, this is straightforward, and they are no longer useful to me. "-You may never want to say this.

We do not need to think about this issue in this way. Maybe not, but it is not necessary or appropriate. If you think like this, you should also use a proper method. You are absolutely, absolutely, not just thinking about "useful and useless" forms of friend relationships, just like my other article-"How to Avoid Exchange-based relationships ."

Find friends who share common goals and interests. But don't just think about whether this person is "useful"-if you hold this idea in your mind, there will be distrust between people. I met some friends while traveling in Malaysia. We just went on an adventure together. They are not the ambitious conquest of the world-they are just a group of good, friendly and good people. We can play together and contact each other. It feels good.

Sometimes I was surprised to meet people without any background, but then we found a common topic on some new goals. I understand, as if you quit smoking and quit alcohol, you will try your best to spend less time with friends who like to join in bars. (When you quit, you can consider resuming contact with them)

I don't like to look for some ambitious and progressive friends. In this world, many people have no ambition or great achievements, but they are truly friendly and upright people. These people are worthy of your understanding. Maybe you should adjust your friend standards. Never give up on friends that are only destructive and unconstructive, but you should not set the threshold of friend standards too high to avoid losing many people who should become friends.

I sincerely wish you all the best and thank you for raising such a good question.

 

On Improving when your friends Aren 'tposted on 29 December 2010 by Sebastian

Just got a comment on "having your own ethics is lonely" by a reader. he asked one of the hardest questions about becoming successful-what happens when you're improving when your friends Aren 't?

I found this blog because I'm looking for advice. I 've realized four years ago that I was unhappy with myself. I lived a poor, and dead end life. so I decided to look closely at my lifestyle and eliminate some bad habits and replace them with good ones. I also got a second job to make more money, and lived in relative poverty by choice. and it worked! I'm healthy always Ally and I 've ve gotten a chance to learn anything I 've ve wanted to know. i'm strong and smarter than I used to be. I think I know what God is, and everyday I work to be better than the day before. but, I can't connect with my old friends because they do all the things I dont want to be a part of any more, because they dont care to do well for themselves as much. in a way, to put it Bluntly, they're not usefull to me. I 'd rather make friends with people I truely admire and respect. I dont feel like I can tell them that I basically think They're bad people. they 've done nothing to harm me personally, but I want nothing to do with them. what do you think?

Indeed, that's one of the hardest parts about becoming successful.

 

Most people don't like to change after they get established. If you improve quickly, it can upset and turn off old friends and cause breaks in friendship.

 

Perhaps the worst time is when you're still on a shaky ground with your old improvement. I remember one time, I was going through a super healthy kick. lots of gym, weights, very clean and healthy diet. but with one of my buddies, weAlwaysAte junk food together when we got together. Pizza, chicken wings, burgers and fries, stuff like that.

 

That was pretty much what we 'd do. we 'd either hang out and play video games, or we 'd go to a bar, or we 'd go to a cheap greasy spoon type diner. we 'd have some pizza and beer, or chicken wings and beer, or burgers and fries, or something like that.

 

Most of my friends at this time were pretty healthy, as I was hanging out with a lot of athletes, gym-going types, and other fencers (I was an epee fencer back then ). but when I got together with this particle buddy, we 'd go get some good microbrewed beer and a couple pizzas and play PlayStation.

 

To be honest, I never really fully answered that question. we kept hanging out, my diet wocould be shredded when we did, but eventually I moved to another city and things just sorted itself out like that. now we cocould look each other up and it wouldn't be a big deal, because I'm established in my new habits. but when you're first trying to establish new habits and you're still shaky, yeah, that's tough.

 

I used to play a lot of poker, and I was pretty good at it. Lots of my friends were card-players. Once I quit playing cards (I shocould write that story up sometime... Short version: There was an error at the table at Foxwoods, I pointed it out to a pit boss to save help one guy get the sidepot he shoshould have gotten, and he didn't thank me afterwards... He started playing crazy, going all-in the dark, built up a huge stack, and eventually broke my pocket pair Trip sixes with a pocket pair Trip jacks... Losing me $800 or so... When I stood up from the table like a zombie, no one I 'd be socializing with for the hours I 'd been playing said goodbye, or anything conciliatory-that's when I realized I didn't want to have poker playing as part of my lifestyle ).

 

Anyways, when I quit playing cards, I lost a lot of my card-playing buddies. not intentionally, but these guys wocould mainly play cards in their free time, and now I didn't. I kept getting invitations to games and turning them down, and slowly we drifted apart. it happens, it's natural.

 

I 've talked this over with other people who go on the rise in the world. Basically, it goes like this.

 

1. You improve massively a lot at some part of life.

2.ExtremelyFew people might want to improve along with you. This is like, less than 1% of people. It might be none of your friends at all, or one if you're lucky.

3. Another small number stay cool with you and look up to you, And things stay good. This is maybe 10-20% of people.

4. A few people naturally drift off.

5. It gets weird with the rest of them.

 

Now, if you 've never gone through a massive short-term improvement phase, you might not understand this. this might look bad or sound bad. but when I talk to successful people, this is damn near always the pattern. people will get weird when their friends improve quickly.

 

Well, not everyone. in extremely rare cases, one of your friends might jump on the Improvement bandwagon. a couple of your friends will stay cool and loyal. But a lot of people feel... Something... When one of their impds improves a lot. it's like, it strikes at people's ego. they see that you 've got the same background and makeup as them roughly, And you improved. theyCocouldBut theyAren't... So in a way, it almost becomes like an insult to them that you 've improved. It makes them feel bad and look bad being around you.

 

This is true no matter what you do, no matter how graceful and conciliatory you are. if you keep things the way they used to be, people feel like you're being condescending. if you act differently, they think you sold out.

 

Not everyone. Some of your friends will stay cool, loyal friends forever. But a lot of people are like this.

 

I know this might sound odd if you 've never had it happen to you, but it's a pattern I 've seen hours times, and had confirmed by using successful people I 've talked.

So, what now?

 

Well, the nice thing is that once people meet you when you already have a reputation for steady improvement and coming up in the world, that's how they see you and they keep rooting for you.

 

The tricky part is continuing to repeatedly get out there, be good to people, and otherwise get exposure to others, please different people to see what kind of connections wind up shaking out.

 

One of the reasons I write all over the place, "Drop me a line for anything if I can help" is because that's how I 've ve met some of my best friends. when you do something nice for someone, 90% of people don't really notice, 9% of people are really gracious about it but nothing really happens after that, but 1% of the time you wind up making a really amazing friendship or becoming colleagues or working together.

 

That 1% of the time makes it all worth it... Making friends with someone you 've got a lot of camaraderie and have great discussions with is worth incredibly a lot. I don't mean in just pragmatic terms-I mean, it's worth a lot on every level.

 

So, I 'd recommend you liberally help people and make offers to help people and make yourself useful.

 

It's also a lot easier for some reason to connect with people who reach out to you than vice-versa. so you might consider doing some public work, like what I'm doing here. I try to get something of a reputation for replying and getting back to people, being helpful and cool, and then people reach out to me. for whatever reason, the rates on reaching out to someone from scratch are pretty bad. obviusly introductions work well, but that's a chicken and the egg problem. in the meantime, you might consider getting some sort of public platform, and then making it known that you're very cool when people reach out to you.

 

Final Thought-I won't berate for it, I understand what you mean. but most normal people will. this line-"but, I can't connect with my old friends DS because they do all the things I dont want to be a part of any more, because they dont care to do well for themselves as much. in a way, to put it bluntly, they're not usefull to me "-you probably never, ever want to say that again.

 

That's not necessarily a good way to think. maybe it's not bad, but it's not necessarily good either. but if you do think it, you gotta be more tactful about saying it. you really, really, really don't want only exchange based relationships in your life, as I wrote about here-"How to Avoid Exchange-based relationships."

 

Now, it's fine and normal and natural to look for people with shared goals and ethics, but don't just look for people who are "useful"-if you're 've got that vibe, people are going to be really skeptical. I met some people traveling through Malaysia and we just hung out and played scrabble. they're not hyper-ambitious world conquering types-They're just cool, friendly, nice people. and we hung out, and connected some, and it was nice.

I 've been surprised at the number of times I 've met people with minimum common ground, but then built common ground on a new topic. I understand that if you're quitting liquor or drugs, then you might want to scale back the time you spend with your party-hard-nightclubbing-friends for a while. (Later, when you're more established in your new habits, maybe you can reconnect too)

 

But I 'd go beyond just looking for people that are hyper-ambitious, constantly improving, etc. there's plenty of really good people out in the world who aren't ambitious or high-achieving, but are really pleasant company, decent every ous people, who are set out to live happy lives and treat everyone around them with respect. those people are really cool to know too, so you might want to reset some of the criteria for friends and associates you 've got. definitely move away from people that you're Going to get sucked into destruction by associating with, but don't set the bar too high that you miss a lot of really cool decent people.

 

Best wishes and much respect on the journey, and thanks for asking a good question.