Please do not reprint, personal diary "Slug also has first love"

this year 35, has been had been, the first few days of junior high school students to discuss the 20 anniversary party, I have refused to go, suddenly very much want to my childhood love psychological process written out, also is a kind of liberation, a kind of dumping, as for why to write down, rather than said friends listen, one is because the course is longer, Friends must also have no time to listen to, second, some words are really hard to say, can only be expressed in the form of text, a lot less turnover.

I start by telling the story, because some things are so memorable, some things have been memory blurred, only the way of the story is more appropriate, not too much time order.

I was born in the countryside, according to now is also a suburb of the union, but at the time when I was a child, we are still a typical rural form, wheat, corn, occasionally grow vegetables or in the urban resale. There was no chengguan at that time, and of course it was not nobody's control. These are the big backgrounds of life. Nothing to do with the story.

My father turned out to be a rural teacher, but because I was a family old three, family planning (learned by all), at the time of my birth, my father was at home farming. So in my memory is not the father of the memory of the teaching, but because of mother and neighbor's word of mouth, I have my father's previous occupation is also recognized. And the neighbours ' comments about my father were good, because my admiration for my father was heartfelt from a young age. My father gave me the deepest impression is the silence of the language, and neighbors still have some words, but not much. Not many friends, at least in my memory is not much. For our sister and brother three people, the words are less and less, sometimes frown, as if there is no solution to open the sorrow. may also be a physical cause (the father has tracheitis, do not know the age of people are often overworked, anyway, I remember a lot of people have this symptom more or less), knot down my mother, should say that my mother's love for us is obvious, like the old hen care chicken, We are being defended every moment of the day. But the mother also has shortcomings, education is not high, literacy is not high (please forgive me to use this word), a lot of memory recalled, mother and grandmother, aunt, uncle Home are not, often quarrel, to father is good, but memory is also complained about the majority. How to say, in the 670 's, the kind of rural women typical pungent character my mother has. But in general my mother is still very good, but the relatives of the harsh tut, but better for the neighbours. I don't know if it's the characteristics of that era.

speaking so much, I actually want to explain the reason why I define myself as "slug", of course, this is not my real name, nor is it my nickname. The rural child, the father is the typical duck, the mother's main energy

is to put on the work of housekeeping , daily housekeeping such as our clothing, cleaning is always not very concerned about. This also grew up in my life habits, such as not pay attention to hair, do not pay attention to washing feet, bathing, in short, I

The impression is also relatively sloppy, as a child is always bad hair, but also a clean clothes. If the current memory of the image of the school at that time, it should have just passed, compared to the neatly dressed children, I am

far from enough, but not the worst, ^_^. So, I am here to give myself a name, called Slug, in fact, I do not often go to school runny nose, but always sweating more, of course, now, I always thought

is the mother to wear thick, (like now popular word, there is a cold, is your mother think you cold), so as long as the recess out to play, class when my head always smoke. The smoke steaming.

words in the second grade of primary school, remember not too clear, probably is, our class came a girl, should be other school transfers come, but at that time is not completely concerned about, the impression is not very deep. I've been in the same class. Always to

In grade Five, I was clear about her impression, not at the same table, but every time I adjusted my desk, I always distributed her near the table, left, right behind, or just behind. These are also memories blurred.

By the time I was graduating from grade five, I had one thing to remember very clearly, when a small partner in our Alley (one year older than me, in another class), here did not say the name, let me send her a letter, I thought nothing

, he passed it for him. Later in the mother's mouth to know, (remember is the letter is the day or the first few days), he let me pass is a love letter, oh, primary school love letter. Not only that, he also blocked people at the school gate, do not let go home!

in this way, the little girl did not come to school again, this guy was also the parents of the school, and in our Hutongkou was specially scolded. (I don't know if I was fired or what, I hated him anyway).

the worry-free primary school childhood has passed.

People, as if every change of environment will grow up once. Happy summer vacation passed, in an instant to the junior high school (from our original primary school very far, but the same town), I was surprised to find that the girl came back, with me in a class, and the table is also the same as the primary school coincidence, not left after the right, is directly behind. In short, there has never been a super-open over three tables. And it should be from now on, my eyes will always lock the girl. Maybe it wasn't love at first, just a curiosity, or the guilt of the primary school letter. In short, my eyes are always accustomed to look at her, and look at her too easy, I am in her rear, the first eye is not the blackboard, that is her, and she in my eyes also gradually so different, her every move, all the time affect my mind, gradually, I always try to approach her. For example, I know that she is always the first to study every day (that is, morning reading), so I get up very early every day, early to school to see her approaching the classroom, and every time after school, and so she left me to go, and if you can walk in the morning or evening with a road, I always excited, but chatting is not possible, I was shy at the time (should be the children of our age almost have this mentality, of course, there are bold), and the second is that she is basically two or three girls each time go together. If I could go a long way dozens of meters away, I'd be happy to follow the road. During recess, she and her deskmate, I always intentionally or unintentionally stare at her, of course, is not afraid to stare. But always afraid that she would be a little wronged. Days of hot (then Junior high School is no air conditioning, only a few fans), recess, she also sometimes hot sweat dripping, at this time I will always silently under the seat, pretending to fan fan, in fact, the wind is blowing to her, when I see her always secretly enjoy my fan, my heart is always matchless joy. In winter, we all wear thicker, I always put my desk back to pull, as far as possible to give her enough space for activities, even when the duty cleaning, I also deliberately let her that row of table relaxed some, so as not to squeeze her. With the puppy love of junior high school, more or less everyone also understand a bit of love, Christmas is also popular to send some greeting cards and other things, I remember she can receive a lot of cards every year, there are in the door to him, there is secretly stuffed into her table hole, as if she is our class most dazzling star general, of course, she is always in my But at Christmas, it was as if she were the brightest star in everyone's eyes. I am also a follower of the family, secretly write a card. I remember the first year seems to be a happy Christmas, gave her directly, the second year is that I like you, hey, after school secretly placed in her textbooks. Probably these content, remember not too clear, but every time send a greeting card heart is plop, Good Hope she will return to me a greeting card, but every year hope is frustrated, although is a bit, always did not give me back. This way, I will be depressed one day, but the next day immediately, because I can see her every day,I was happy to see her. To the third day should be considered sensible a little, know the importance of learning, but also slowly heard some of her rumors, may have before, but I did not listen to it.

For example, her family background how good, and so on, at that time I good inferiority, always secretly in the home to write a diary, wrote and tore off, tore and write. But there were two things I was most excited about when I was third day. First, when doing chemical experiments, she took a few beakers from home, and I was going to have one. But on the way home in the evening, I took out to show off, was the same village classmate borrowed, I also very generous outfit do not care, in fact, my heart regret death. Another thing is the junior high School examination we test are very good, at that time all rated "300 excellent", is the top student bar.

but I was so confident that I would be going to the same high school in the future.

Junior high School summer vacation, I have two times secretly from her home in the community (listen to the classmate said, I never followed her, although good want) passing, good want to encounter her, but no success.

after the summer vacation, I wish to come to the legend of the whole district ranked the first high school, when feeling like cattle and sheep, was divided into classes, divided the dormitory. From the beginning of the class, I would like to enter the dream scene. Not familiar with the classmate, but not familiar with her. Several times in each class around, but even met the fellow alumni, also embarrassed to ask her specifically. Just not found. Perhaps because of my character, or other reasons, I always look for her shy, but many times in class, walk, sleep as in the dream, see her sitting in my front row, and I was so affectionate and serene looking at her, but suddenly awakened, found to be into the illusion.

Of course, this is not uncommon, but there are more than four or five times. In this way the middle of the muddle through.

remember is in the second half of a year or sophomore, I suddenly seemed to see her, in the stair corner upstairs, just a figure, a flash. Then I took a few times during recess from those classes passing by, in the class hurriedly. Finally one time, I found her, a little thinner, but a little taller. She and a classmate were walking in the aisle, talking, I walked with her in the opposite. She also saw me, asked the next-level situation (she is the text class, I am Riban) I saw her joy, I pretend to be passing with her greeting the sentence, (in fact, my heart is nervous to die). Until now, I regret my cowardice, why every time I see her must first nervous, but also to pretend to be indifferent demeanor. I'm so hypocritical, so fake. Obviously the heart is happy to jump up, but the mouth to pretend, inferiority? Reserved? Lofty? It doesn't matter anymore, maybe from the moment I missed her. Take me on a more painful edge. Perhaps it is two parallel lines, and I, but the two lines pulled farther!

pull away, continue to say, high school life for me is like a dream, misplaced dream. Remember is in sophomore several classes, at that time into the sophomore when there is filled with ambition, good reading, strive for advanced, class cadres and so on, the results of all come so Ruyi, language branch representative, monitor, group members (like called this name), even English teacher to me is particularly important, know my English is not good, but also take me to the office , listen to the English tapes. Sometimes I buy it even if I have a meal. But I was too easy to be proud, although not to make a case, but also the eyes without elders. Reading novels in class, deaf to the homework, can copy on the copy, as if I was a squad leader in class to make trouble. In short, everything is so abnormal. Or as mentioned above, inferior? Reserved? Lofty? Or the joy and confusion after the meeting? or without her in the side of the wandering? In short, I have no intention to study, but also no timely adjustment of mentality to adapt to everything.

nearly high three o'clock, I have realized that my high school white on, because, (hehe: Gao, sophomore mathematics, chemistry, physics problem basically all do wrong, basic formula did not remember). My heart really felt a loss, a sense of weakness in the future of life. I know that the gap between me and her, both in distance and in school, is getting bigger. And she, in my mind, the Goddess, in school, but as always, steady and steady answer. I finished, with her, no chance to read the classmate, I also do not have the ability to wait silently in her side.

when I was a senior in my home, my father had been quiet and didn't say anything, but I knew he was disappointed in me. And I also know that Father's body is less than a year, sickness, sadness, and many others.

I think the society is too simple, thought make money is very easy, I do not care about the neighbor's vision, the result I was wrong, make money------difficult, spring planting autumn harvest, weeding fertilization, heat preservation and drought resistance, culture seedling breeding ..., every you do not good, wait is no, and even if you have the harvest, want to change into renminbi, Have to go through a ordeal again. The neighbor's vision I can not care about, but my parents, they also want to be a person, also must indomitable spirit. I am a teacher son, but like his father, all day with the Earth as a companion, give up his own learning, director, even love!

the second half of the senior year, I put forward to the school, to participate in the college entrance examination, the school is also educating people, grant me back to school, take the exam. However, knowledge is really to rely on slowly accumulated, when others in the struggle to repeat a difficult problem to practice, I would like a simple question to turn half a day book. At that moment, I really realized what the poor students are feeling, classmates, teachers are reluctant to help you, not to abandon, but to help you too much time, we are immediately jump on the road to the Longmen. Time at that moment, indeed more precious than money.

and that moment, I really have no time to think of her, crap, nor qualified to disturb her, and then silently send her a ride, of course, this should only be read in their hearts.

college entrance exam results released that day, I went to see the results, although expect miracles will happen, but there is no miracle success, only the real effort to return. Yes, I failed.

after the junior high school classmate Father's help, I entered a chemical plant, in this period I learned a lot of truth, in the heart really very grateful to him, like the father of the people. And now my father, too, has died.

and two years later, I have a chance with the goddess of the heart again, at this time she has been Jian Jiang study, and I, at that time just finished learning computer to participate in the work.

There have been a few simple calls, although understand that everything has passed, even never started, but filled with the missing or let me go to the head, I told myself, I want to try, I want to confess, no matter what happens, I can receive all the results. But I am no longer cowardly and hypocritical.

a very ordinary time, the hearts of the goddess and I meet, with the appearance and high school has changed, but with the intimacy of life let me relieved, I finally can not restrain their feelings. Cry. Just two glasses of beer, drunk, heartbroken, enchanted, cup broken.

I've been drunk for the first time since I grew up, my first heartbreak, my first cry.

I was drunk not awake personnel, also dragged her accompany me to go to the emergency room, but also to receive my mother's ask the scold.

that time I was really enchanted, after waking up for three days, just drink water, unable to eat (because eat spit)

Since then, think there will never be a chance to meet, and I, also will these past dust in the bottom of my heart. Perhaps deliberately escape, Yang or character, and the former classmate contact is not much, high school, middle school, the number of people, so

my memory of that part of the past sank into the bottom of my heart, like the bottom of the heaviest gravel.

Everyone may have a similar past, and a good future. The life of the knot is logical, I am a wife, a son, the days and the Meimei. And my wife is also a sincere love, but there is no such a feeling of excitement. Written here, maybe some people think I am so despicable, why did not give all the love to the wife, in fact, this is my all, lost, has not belonged to me. And my love for my wife's family can only be said to be another kind of mature love.

a few days ago junior high school students pull me into groups, junior high School six class, these impressions vaguely some vague name into my eyes. And I, also think that has a kind of free and easy, but also secretly kind of look forward to, she, will come, now also should belong to a group of people on the high. I in the group and slightly have the impression of the students, but also in anticipation of what, of course, still thinking, she should not come, and our gap so big, and even came, many years past is therein people, I can also calm.

Finally, one day, a familiar name to join in, the students also cheered the lark up, have to her to participate in the reunion, and she also clearly said that her own pregnant in the body, can not go. Students let her send photos, 20 years, there should be a lot of changes it. I also faint some look forward to. I took the initiative to send my photos, with the wife of a photo, our recent photo, she is happy to lean on my chest. Perhaps I deliberately emotional rendering, perhaps the students of the booing, she also sent a picture of her husband and children. Looking at her familiar face, I think, she must be very happy.

She does not speak much in the group, I also take time to look at the next classmate group, but I will not see the chat record to see again, as if back to 20 years ago, always want to see her every move in general.

I realized that my mental state had a problem, which would seriously affect my life now. For 15 years I have ascetic, as if nothing can make me feel like a mind to focus on a person, a thing, so long focus.

This moment, my heart is disorderly.

I have been in touch with the good classmate's drinking, want to tell the love, but a lot of words, to the mouth, and can not export, good want to drink down, a drunken side hugh. But everyone is an adult, all know the truth. My wish for a drunken party was dashed. The old classmate slightly knew my mind, gave me some kaixie. I know it's all kind, but no one can know what I'm thinking.

I, my heart, in, think, what!??? , in fact, I do not know. In short, there is no lust, no regrets, and no idea similar to (reunion or relapse). I just want to talk with a person, not the goddess in my heart, just want to find a really willing to listen to my words of the people, to finish.

By the Way, in the group, I gather her on-line opportunity, I privately to her apologized, Bi Yi last drunk when I was so rude, and at that time mother and colleagues, should also not give her good face, I did not know how I was in the accident and emergency room, do not know what colleagues and mother told her what, just feel, There's nothing to be thankful for. And she, as a girl, alone to see me, should have never thought it would be that ending, so that she could not help it. Now think, this is also this life, my closest contact with her, a usually even with her eyes relative to the heartbeat of the boy, but the girl was personally sent to the hospital.

I think of the retreat group, but some do not give up, I know that my state will not last long, either crazy or cut off.

at this time, another classmate joined the group, he graduated from junior high school to become a soldier, but also with her husband and relatives have some dealings. It's not a broken connection. At night, my classmate in the distance drunk, in the group of random words, he said, I think up, think up, junior high school memories. This sentence, like demons, let me awake. Yes, not only did you remember, but my deep memories began to recover. All these memories flashed in my mind like slides.

I know, it's time for me to go away from my classmates. The next day, I sent out the group farewell, vaguely said my present psychological dilemma. I have to go, leave the memory that makes me sad. I think, maybe, she'll understand what I'm saying, just, I don't want her to have any burdens, maybe she really doesn't understand what I'm saying, that's my best hope. Softly I go, as I gently come, waving a wave of sleeves, do not take away a piece of cloud.

The above is my psychological process, so write out, heart some uncomfortable, also some sprinkle, this moment, I really grew up.

Please do not reprint, personal diary "Slug also has first love"