The real reason I love you

Article: Joy Liu 丨 Source: prosperity and Growth Workshop

Surprised to be "recognized"

Fascination, attraction, fascination, and passion may arise at first sight, but Love will not. Love needs our deep understanding, and this profound cognition takes time. People sometimes say that love at first sight is in retrospect when it feels as if it is a feeling of affection that arises when one meets each other, because the feelings of each other are answered and recognized and then the true love arises. Although it is impossible to love at first sight, we do have a feeling of being recognized when we meet with someone for the time being.

The feeling of such an astonishing mutual recognition, "as if seen somewhere", seems mysterious and unexplained. What exactly are we attracted to each other? Yesterday in the "Why do we fall in love with another person" in that article, we mentioned the principles of psychological visibility (psychological visibility), and today Joy wants to delve deeper into the real reason why we are attracted to and loved by a person.

Sense of life

Nathaniel Branden, an American psychologist who studies self-esteem, suggests that if we are to understand love, then a vital concept is the sense of life. Intimacy or love is, in essence, a shared sense of life.

1. What is the sense of life?

The sense of life is an emotional expression of our deepest view of survival and our relationship in life. Is the sum of all the deepest and broadest views we have about the world, our lives and ourselves. All of our value systems are part of it, but they are not enough to express the meaning of a sense of life.

For example, some of us have a sense of life that reflects a strong and healthy self-esteem-they have a strong sense of ego that will not be shaken by the outside world, and believe that this universe will respond effectively to our thoughts and efforts. Other people's sense of life may be a reaction to self-doubt and to the incomprehensible and hostile anxieties of the universe.

Our sense of life may be reflected in our enthusiasm and self-confidence, or in our self-doubt and inward hatred, perhaps in our painful, tragic revolt, in our gentle, non-complaining acceptance, and perhaps in our failure to "learn more and have more reflection", or " A complete denial of our capabilities and values "... You will find that a person's sense of life may be any combination of views and attitudes in varying degrees of various possibilities.

Our sense of life is in fact from the beginning of our childhood gradually formed, we slowly accumulated the perception of the world and the view, and finally formed our so-called character, temper and character. For example, in the course of growth from infancy to adulthood, some people end up reacting positively to all exercises that use our minds, and they feel that doing these exercises is a special enjoyment (such as solving math problems, reading esoteric philosophical books, or learning a new subject). While others feel that these brain exercises are a kind of "responsibility" or errand that they are reluctant to do, but not because they like it, but because they feel compelled to do so, and in the end there may be some who are filled with hatred and fear of these mental exercises, Feel that they are unnecessary burdens and can hide must avoid.

In the end, you will find that two people with different life senses are not likely to attract each other.

2. The premise of love: We have a shared sense of life

We live, and most of us are getting closer to and understanding the "truth" of the world. Einstein once said, "I can't get to the truth, but I can always approach the truth infinitely." "One of the most important truths is to understand that as human beings, we are not omnipotent or never fail."

We will find that all perceptions of the world require not only our conscious efforts, but also our efforts to make sure that we succeed. We can accept that we are responsible for our own thoughts and judgments, and then we are not afraid to bear the consequences of all our actions and conclusions, and we can also refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, and then to avoid possible failures by letting our own consciousness shrink, or by handing over responsibility for our own lives to others.

I've just described two different kinds of life, right?

Can you imagine these two people who have a different sense of life in their lives, in love for life? When people with such great differences in their lives meet each other, the difference is the biggest gap that prevents them from falling in love.

I'd like to cite an example of myself. Yesterday I somehow received a more than 10 years did not meet the junior high school students, she in my circle of friends in this assessment: I think you are a concern for their own, the slightest consideration of others feel, very selfish people. She was leaving a message just for the picture I drew. I was first angry: why do I feel so strangely? Then my anger became puzzling: Where did it come from?

Because we have not contacted each other for 10几 years, so I really do not remember what offended her. Then she sent a long message to me, I realized that she was talking about my 28-year-old is not married, do not consider parents, I do not take responsibility, is really living too selfish.

At that moment, I was deeply aware of how different our world is. She graduated from Junior high School, went to the health schools, later became a nurse, in our hometown of small town married and have children. I went to college, graduate school, Ph. D., and then started to build a Chinese positive psychology community in Beijing. Of course our education does not determine our distinct sense of life, and what is really interesting is that our experience ultimately shapes our understanding of the whole of life and responsibility.

The responsibility I understand is that one has to be responsible for himself first. If I get married, then I will be very responsible to find a very loving person, find a I can wholeheartedly like, adore, appreciate and can grow with me people. If I get married just because my parents don't meet the right person, then I feel that not only I am not responsible for myself, but I am not responsible for them. I will blame them for the eventual misfortune of my marriage, and they will not be happier when they see my misfortune. Also I do not think that the value of a person simply because of age, the years are neutral, a person in the years become more mature more attractive, or become more lost self, all depends on how she spent the years given to her. So for the "older female" worry, I think it is very interesting but very irrational social phenomenon.

And my junior high school classmate with her slightly fierce words to me "sounded the alarm." There are several assumptions in her sense of life. First, the first hypothesis is that we can be responsible for the lives of others, and this person also includes our parents. But can we really be responsible for the lives of others? As I have just said, one of the truths that we need to learn most in this world is that each of us is responsible for all the consequences of our own thinking and behavior. Likewise, we can help our parents to make them happier, but we cannot and cannot be responsible for their lives, because only those who can take responsibility for their lives are themselves.

Her sense of life the second hypothesis is that the way we are filial to our parents is to obey the value system of the parent or society. When a woman is 28 years old and not married, is it not already touching the social value system of women? I think that almost all the "leftover" arguments, all contain the discrimination and control of women. The way I honor my parents, is to cherish them to give me the body and all the talent, and then strive for the happiness of growth for myself; the way I honor my parents is to communicate with them my soul, and then become the best of each other's friends; the way I honor my parents is to let them see, because of their love and guidance, I am close to the truest and self-fulfilling, including my quest for love.

I believe you have seen that our sense of life is so different that we have a difference in the most fundamental of these values. Life is very different people, perhaps not to say love, even friends are difficult.

3. Soul mates are those who share a sense of life with us in the most important ways

Some of our sense of life is the most important, such as our most basic values. And our soul mates are those who share the sense of life with us in the most important ways.

In fact, when we start to contact another person, we will vaguely feel the soul of another person. We will feel the other way of experiencing his joy or fear, approaching or escaping his life. We can feel the beating of each other's life or a kind of lifeless, and our bodies and emotions will respond more quickly to these things than we can express in words, which is why we are not able to describe the perception of recognition when we first meet.

Sometimes our experience of life is reflected in the works of art that we like or dislike. Art is a more direct expression of our sense of life than any other human activity. So you'll find that people who love the same art as you do may also have a similar sense of life.

In a more ideal intimate relationship, the place we are admired is exactly what we would like to be appreciated, that is, the feeling of being "seen" in the previous article. This appreciation of the premise, but also in the most important aspects of the same sense of life.

The real reason I love you

Now, when asked by a partner why we love them, we don't have to be overwhelmed.

Because the real reason I love you is the sense of life we share at the deepest level.

The way you look at life is my way,

The feeling that you experience living is also my feeling,

You see the eyes of the world, and I am so consistent,

I love you

Because you make me feel,

In this world,

and a soul similar to mine.

The real reason I love you